Alrighty, then...I am adding a new qualifier to my list of, "...Well, it could be worse..." descriptors. Added a list which has, up to now, included such memorable faves as, "...It could be worse, you could have Leprosy," "...It could be worse, she could be pregnant," and "...It could be worse, it could have been rectal," we are now adding, "...It could be worse, you could get sprayed with OC at the same time."
Last Friday, I became an official Correctional Officer for the State of Texas. Today, I started my OJT, which is the second phase of training, after the Academy. Wow, I thought, now we'll really get to see some action! Finally, we'll be out on the unit, working among peers and convicts...not this dry, old book-stuff!
Alas, last week, the unit locked down for its semi-annual Comprehensive Shakedown--a month-longish period wherein the inmates are confined to their cells, 24 hours a day. Sooooo, upon our arrival today, we got delegated to one of three things: 1) Making PB&J sandwiches for the inmates' meals (during lockdown, they eat in their cells), 2) Doing laundry (they don't leave their cells at ALL, even to go work or to school), or 3) Policing the grounds. WHEEEEE!!! :banghead:
But what of OC, I hear you asking? Well, as part of our ongoing training, at 1400, they lined us up outside, and proceeded to apply a healthy schmear of LE-10 OC spray to one side of our face. For those of you LUCKY SOULS who have never had the pleasure of encountering OC in the wild, let me pause and explain the basic experience:
1) The nice Sergeant asks you which side you want it on. MOOD: Apprehensive.
2) The choice having been indicated, he proceeds to whitewash your face from your scalpline to somewhere around your hip with a cosmetic sponge--which has been pre-moistened with slightly more OC spray than would be necessary for a similar project, say, putting a coating on the U.S.S. Nimitz. MOOD: Slightly panicky.
3) They tell you to take off down the hill towards the awaiting spectators (these events ALWAYS draw a crowd, and rest assured, next year, I'LL be there for it! ) MOOD: Relieved, it's not that bad...yet.
4) Roughly halfway down the way, the helpful man with the stripes on his shoulder orders you to OPEN YOUR EYES. Up to now, the sensation has been a bit of a tingle...nothing terribly unpleasant. You're thinking, "Hey, I must be one of those rare folks that this stuff doesn't affect! COOL!!" Then, as visions of barfights unchecked by the Police with their pepper spray are dancing in your head, it hits you. MOOD: AAAAIIIIIIEIEEEEEE!!!! IT BURNS!!! IT BURNS!!!!! AAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEIEIEIEIEIEEEEEEEEEE!!!
5) Staggering about, clawing at your face, the helpful spectators implore you to turn around and walk into the wind. This is actually helpful, and a jolly good idea. They ALSO tell you that it's imperative that you pry your eye open, "...And get some air to it." This is somewhat less helpful. MOOD: AAAIGGH!!! MUST...TEAR...SKIN...OFF...OF...FACE... MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKETHEBADMANSTOPMOMMY!!!!
6) For the next roughly thirty minutes to an hour (depending on your particular constitution, your tearducts, and the prevailing wind conditions) you will be essentially useless, stumbling about like a blind, three-legged dog trying to keep pointed into the wind, and wondering why , exactly you responded to that add in the paper/internet/job fair... MOOD: OOOOOH, F*** THAT SMARTS!!
7) Once the actual blinding, searing agony in your eyeball proper has diminished to the point that you can see , you are still not through this ordeal. No, because now the helpful Sergeant and his merry little band of elves come around, passing out damp paper towels, "...So you can wipe the stuff off." They try to keep a straight face as you attempt to do so, knowing full well that water basically just reactivates the compounds. Hilarity ensues as the whole process starts all over. MOOD: Wow...Thanks, Serge--AAAIAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!! MURDER!!! FIRE!!!! AAAAAAIIIIIGGHHH!!!!!
8) If you are the lucky type who get over it quickly, or have a high pain threshold, within a scant hour and a half, you are blessed with sight again, and indulgin in the hilarity of watching your lesser-capable classmates going through their throes. MOOD: I need to get OC-Training certified, because pepper spray is, apparently, the gift that keeps on giving.
And there you have it. It's now four hours later, and after a shower, I have what feels like terminal sunburn on one side of my face. Anyone else got any amusing OC anecdotes to relate?
Last Friday, I became an official Correctional Officer for the State of Texas. Today, I started my OJT, which is the second phase of training, after the Academy. Wow, I thought, now we'll really get to see some action! Finally, we'll be out on the unit, working among peers and convicts...not this dry, old book-stuff!
Alas, last week, the unit locked down for its semi-annual Comprehensive Shakedown--a month-longish period wherein the inmates are confined to their cells, 24 hours a day. Sooooo, upon our arrival today, we got delegated to one of three things: 1) Making PB&J sandwiches for the inmates' meals (during lockdown, they eat in their cells), 2) Doing laundry (they don't leave their cells at ALL, even to go work or to school), or 3) Policing the grounds. WHEEEEE!!! :banghead:
But what of OC, I hear you asking? Well, as part of our ongoing training, at 1400, they lined us up outside, and proceeded to apply a healthy schmear of LE-10 OC spray to one side of our face. For those of you LUCKY SOULS who have never had the pleasure of encountering OC in the wild, let me pause and explain the basic experience:
1) The nice Sergeant asks you which side you want it on. MOOD: Apprehensive.
2) The choice having been indicated, he proceeds to whitewash your face from your scalpline to somewhere around your hip with a cosmetic sponge--which has been pre-moistened with slightly more OC spray than would be necessary for a similar project, say, putting a coating on the U.S.S. Nimitz. MOOD: Slightly panicky.
3) They tell you to take off down the hill towards the awaiting spectators (these events ALWAYS draw a crowd, and rest assured, next year, I'LL be there for it! ) MOOD: Relieved, it's not that bad...yet.
4) Roughly halfway down the way, the helpful man with the stripes on his shoulder orders you to OPEN YOUR EYES. Up to now, the sensation has been a bit of a tingle...nothing terribly unpleasant. You're thinking, "Hey, I must be one of those rare folks that this stuff doesn't affect! COOL!!" Then, as visions of barfights unchecked by the Police with their pepper spray are dancing in your head, it hits you. MOOD: AAAAIIIIIIEIEEEEEE!!!! IT BURNS!!! IT BURNS!!!!! AAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEIEIEIEIEIEEEEEEEEEE!!!
5) Staggering about, clawing at your face, the helpful spectators implore you to turn around and walk into the wind. This is actually helpful, and a jolly good idea. They ALSO tell you that it's imperative that you pry your eye open, "...And get some air to it." This is somewhat less helpful. MOOD: AAAIGGH!!! MUST...TEAR...SKIN...OFF...OF...FACE... MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKETHEBADMANSTOPMOMMY!!!!
6) For the next roughly thirty minutes to an hour (depending on your particular constitution, your tearducts, and the prevailing wind conditions) you will be essentially useless, stumbling about like a blind, three-legged dog trying to keep pointed into the wind, and wondering why , exactly you responded to that add in the paper/internet/job fair... MOOD: OOOOOH, F*** THAT SMARTS!!
7) Once the actual blinding, searing agony in your eyeball proper has diminished to the point that you can see , you are still not through this ordeal. No, because now the helpful Sergeant and his merry little band of elves come around, passing out damp paper towels, "...So you can wipe the stuff off." They try to keep a straight face as you attempt to do so, knowing full well that water basically just reactivates the compounds. Hilarity ensues as the whole process starts all over. MOOD: Wow...Thanks, Serge--AAAIAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!! MURDER!!! FIRE!!!! AAAAAAIIIIIGGHHH!!!!!
8) If you are the lucky type who get over it quickly, or have a high pain threshold, within a scant hour and a half, you are blessed with sight again, and indulgin in the hilarity of watching your lesser-capable classmates going through their throes. MOOD: I need to get OC-Training certified, because pepper spray is, apparently, the gift that keeps on giving.
And there you have it. It's now four hours later, and after a shower, I have what feels like terminal sunburn on one side of my face. Anyone else got any amusing OC anecdotes to relate?