Advice on peaceful debate, from Dr. Michael Edelstein
Communication Strategies For Building Consensus (10/20/04)
1. Assume responsibility for your role in a dialogue. Do what _you_
can to improve the process. (As good as it may feel for the moment,
resentfully criticizing others for communication breakdowns doesn't
help and often accelerates a downward spiral.)
2. Bring up and then address one issue at a time.
3. Remain positive and give the other person the benefit of the
doubt. For example, if you suspect they may be using a sarcastic
tone, assume the best.
4. Respond only to the constructive content of a message. Ignore,
when possible, sarcasm, innuendo, name-calling, etc. (It's usually
pos sible). This helps avoid escalation.
5. Avoid accusations, especially overgeneralized ones, such as: "You
never...", You always...", "Why can't you...?", "I can't believe you
said that," etc.
6. Say "Please," "Thank you," "I apologize," "Great idea!," etc.,
generously. These words are the lubricants of
communication--especially "I apologize." ;-)
7. Before criticizing a position, consider feeding it back to the
person advancing it, to confirm you've understood it.
8. Do not label the individual you're speaking with, e.g., "You're a
troll," "You're intolerant," " ...disrespectful," "...oblivious,"
"...obnoxious," etc. This rarely helps and often makes matters worse.
Similarly, calling their arguments stupid, destructive, "I can't
believe you said that," etc. is poor technique.
9. Keep in mind that "agreeing to disagree" is usually a fine option
when stuck in a communication rut. There's often no
right or wrong in our disagreements. Differin g opinions may rest on
different styles, proclivities, or comfort levels.
10. If you wish someone to communicate more constructively, offer a
specific suggestion and begin it with "I prefer..." For example, "I
prefer you not call me intolerant. Rather, please cite specifically
what I said that you disagree with." (Alternatively, trying to prove
you're not intolerant, or launching a counter-offensive, rarely is
constructive.)
11. If you feel the process is breaking down, discuss this with the
other person. Collaboratively work to improve it by focusing on
future behavioral change, rather than by assigning blame for past
communication difficulties.
12. State negative feelings in a positive way by stating the other's
best self, e.g., "I know you're a tolerant person," or "You often
have excellent ideas." Then let them know you feel they're not living
up to their usual high standard.
13. If you're communicating by computer, consider moving to the
teleph one should communication get stalled.
14. Give positive feedback, praise, appreciation, "atta boys"
wherever possible.
15. Preface constructive criticism with positive feedback.
16. If disengaging is a viable option with someone who seems
generally angry and negativistic, politely end the dialogue.
Alternatively, consider suggesting ending it for continuation at a
future date, when one (or both of you) will have had a chance to
collect your thoughts and calm down.
17. Keep in mind that everyone is a free agent with free will,
consequently you can't force anyone to understand or agree with you,
no matter how self-evident your view seems to you.
18. Remind others--and yourself--of our common goal: to build a free
society. Consequently, collaboration, rather than one-upmanship, is
essential.