Let's play, "what would the reporters say about me"

[Gordon Fink]

They would probably just misquote me as usual.

~G. Fink

 

[vnepilot]

Wow im glad I live in Kennesaw, GA. I got pulled over for speeding on the way to the shooting range.

Officer "do you have any weapons in the car".
Vnepilot "a few"....
officer looks in back seat I had 7 pistols 2 ARs and my UZI and my shotgun.
Officer asks me to call him next time I go shooting so he can play too and gives me a warning for speeding...

I doubt the average "arsenal" would even make the local blotter

 

[DavidVS]

He and his wife have widely different tastes in fiction novels. How could they have such a happy and healthy marriage?!

 

[ECVMSparky]

Wow im glad I live in Kennesaw, GA

Is "offshoots" still there? I know there are like a MILLION training schools there, some more reputable than most.
Knew a guy from one of the schools, Last name of Little, said he LOVED it there, and i should consider moving there.

 

[vnepilot]

I dont know of an "offshoots" off hand. buti thought any city that has a law saying you most own a gun, is a good place to live... and it is. (not a thread hijack please share the original stories)

 

[ECVMSparky]

I dont know of an "offshoots" off hand. buti thought any city that has a law saying you most own a gun, is a good place to live... and it is. (not a thread hijack please share the original stories)

Didn't think it would be, it was about ten years ago, those thing scome and go, i'm gonna seriously consider that, i've heard nothing but good things about that part of GA.
Hey, i don't think it counts as a hijack if the person who started the thread was the one who got you sidetracked..

But please, MORE,MORE, This is funny stuff.

 

[vnepilot]

true true I failed to notice you started it

 

[Nameless_Hobo]

Depends on which paper, if it was the local paper it would probably be "frigging cops arrested an innocent person for ownership of a gun."
If it was from the People's Republic of Mecklenburg County if would probably be along the lines of
"Young male arrested for ownership of of a "gun cabinet" full of boxes of ammunition and gun. Included were a Saiga assault weapon, a type of AK47. Several shotguns were found, including a single barrel that can be made to conceal easily, and a semi-automatic weapon called 1100, both are capable of spraying bullets. A .44 caliber black-powder revolver was also discovered, in a "cowboy" holster for speedy drawing. Police say the most deadly device was a Russian should-fired field artillery piece called a "Mosin Nagant M38." This weapons fires a 7.62 caliber bullet that is capably of penetrating body armor and shooting down planes.
Police also recovered ammunition, including steel bird-shot that is capable of blowing off a person’s torso. The person had two 20 round boxes of Wolf FMJ cop-killer bullets, a box of Winchester FMJ bullets and a box of PMC-brand jacketed soft point bullets that expand inside the body to cause extra damage. The Male had over 400 rounds of 7.62x54R full metal jacket and jacketed soft point for the Russian military rifle.
His computer had been used to research weapons, ranging from 9mm cop-killer pistols to long-range sniper rifles in calibers from .30-30 to .308.
In addition to the weapons, police recovered a library of books on combat and history. Several books that were found were pro-evil-capitalism, including Adam Smith’s Wealth of Nations. The male also possessed books such as Plutarch’s Lives Darwin’s Origin of Species and works of John Locke. Locke is famous for implying people have “rights.” These books are highly dangerous to Government, as they can cause thinking in the populace. Thinking is evil.
Police Chief Joseph “Pol Pot” Lenin is stated to say “This young man obviously was troubled. Rather than watching Television he was reading books, which he may have later used to educate peers. We feel that if he may have gone on a shooting spree, but he cannot be blamed, it’s the weapon’s fault for making him do so.”

Heh, I had to much fun typing that.

 

[Sage of Seattle]

Nationwide Manhunt Ends With Arrest

New Dork Times
by columnist Shuck Chumer

Detectives have made an arrest that stunned locals late last night. The Sage of Seattle, 35, was taken into custody in Boise, Idaho by members of the brave tactical squad. It only took two helicopters, six patrol cars, seventeen heavily armed officers, eight attack dogs, several armored cars, two high school cheerleading squads and half a marching band, firing several thousand rounds, including tear gas, to effect the arrest. (Pictured here being wheeled to the armored car in his wheelchair) Only five cheerleaders were treated due to overzealous use of taser stun weapons, but none of the police thankfully were injured so that they could go home safe to their families, though several pairs of boots had to be cleaned when one of the attack dogs got a tad too excited.

"We arrested The Sage on charges that we'd love to tell you, but since it's considered a national security issue, we can't release that information at this time, mainly due to Secret Homeland/International Terrorist and Treaty Items rules." said police spokesperson Paul Oinker in a rather festive three day block party/press conference which ended earlier this afternoon. (click link here for common hangover remedies)

"It took us a while to track down Sage, due to the clever manner in which he misdirected police inquiries by calling himself "The Sage of SEATTLE" yet living in a completely different town," Officer Oinker said. "But he first got onto our radar by posting lewd and lascivious poetry on a so-called 'comedy' website, and then flaunting his violent tendencies by posting paranoid stories about his 'trouble with geese' on a website which goes against all common sense and promotes subversive thoughts of 'self sufficiency' and other terroristic ideas. We knew immediately that he is a lurking meanace to the United States of America, ready to take anyone out in a moments notice."

Confiscated in the raid was a cache of swords, one of which is described as a 'cavalry saber,' a replica of a sword that was used to bloodily maim and kill thousands of brave American soldiers during the Civil War. "Even though Sage denies ever owning a horse, this kind of sword is nothing but a killing machine. A guy would get on his horse, gallop by someone else who perhaps dissed him one night during a kegger, and vip! off goes his head. One could think of it as the precursor to the modern drive-by shooting. Pure evil." Oinker grunted. "And it wasn't even sharp. Everyone knows that a dull blade is much more likely to injure than a sharp one. It's just common sense."

Officer Oinker continues. "And, worse yet, this kind of assault weapon is virtually unregulated. Heck, my six year old could easily steal my credit card and order one of these things online and poof! Instant accident waiting to happen! Ever hear the term 'falling on one's sword?' Well, that was said for a reason and it ain't pretty!"

Also seized in the raid were nine "cop killer" bullets in .380 caliber, found secretly hidden in a pouch of pipe tobacco. The tobacco is being analyzed at the police lab to make sure it's something illegal. Sage is quoted as saying that he hasn't the faintest idea why those deadly bullets were there in the first place. These special bullets were designed specifically to open horrifically upon impact with law-enforcement flesh. Their small size belies the manevolent power contained inside. The .380 is over eight times more deadly than the dreaded .44 magnum round, because three hundred eighty is a lot more than forty-four. "You don't have to be a mathematician to figure this stuff out. It's really very simple." Says bureau spokesperson Ima Dumkopf.

She goes on to say that a huge number of subversive books were found in the 900 square foot compound. "It was like a library in there. Books all over the place. I almost felt like I was standing in a place where someone reads a great deal. Creepy." Ms. Dumkopf shudders with the memory. "I found books with horrible titles like 'How to Date Young Women for Men Over 35' and 'Freedom from Work.' It just demonstrates how perverted and shifty Sage really is."

Several hundred kilos of cocaine were also found at the home, conveniently stacked on a shipping pallet in the middle of the living room floor. "The cocaine has unfortunately been accidentally lost in transit from the crime scene to the police evidence locker. We're looking into it, however. I mean, it should be found eventually; that was some really high quality stuff. Get you high for hours." Ms. Dumkopf sniffs and rubs her nose. "Sorry. I've got allergies."

Sage has so far remained unavailable for comment.

 

[ryoushi]

Upon a complete forensic analysis of his hard drive and ISP records, Police revealed Mr. Ryoushi spent hours and hours on internet gun forums engaging in hypothetical conversations such as "What gun for the mall?" and "RON PAUL vs Predator?".

 

[Avenger29]

A South Carolina college student's house was raided today. He had an arsenal of military assault rifles (an old Mosin 91/30 and an 870), several bananna clips (for the 10/22). A large stockpile of ammunition was discovered. with several hundred bullets for each weapon. The student was later revealed as a racist (cause I'm white and a Southerner, of course) loner, with access to small airplanes that are particuarly deadly tools for terrorists (A Cessna 172). He is believed to be a member of several militias and terrorist groups. He was killed in the raid. Unfortunatly, several brave federal agents (BATFE JBTs) were killed as they tried to surround the compound.

 

[WolfMansDad]

...trained hunting dogs were routinely allowed to run loose in the home, where there were children present. Also uncovered were a high-capacity, double-barreled shotgun, similar to the kind that can be sawed off, detailed topographical maps of remote locations, two hundred rounds of ammunition, and several knives.

Neighbors said the suspect was always friendly and outgoing, and that they never suspected his secret life.

'It really freaks me out that he had all this stuff, and we never knew.' Said one nearby resident. 'I mean, why would a hunter need two barrels on his gun? Isn't one enough?' Authorities, with the cooperation of the BATFE and the department of Homeland Security, are probing just these sorts of questions.

Around here, the papers usually throw in something about meth possession or stolen credit cards, charges which mysteriously never make it to the arraignment.

 

[Tom Servo]

Officers responded to a call that Mr. F was running around his front lawn, complaining loudly that "the Man" had taken away his tinfoil hat.

Mr. F explained to the responding officers that he used the hat to "keep out the government's mind-control rays."

"It might have been an easier situation if he'd been wearing pants," said Officer Snertly. "Also, he was covered in a silky sheen of Eezox and Hoppe's No. 9, which as we all know, are chemicals used to clean and maintain firearms. Firearms, like the ones that kill baby harp seals and Bambi's mother. With all that lube, he was certainly hard to grab ahold of."

Upon searching Mr. F's house, the police found a stash of "assault weapons," including several bolt and lever-action rifles--the same types used by Charles Whitman in the 1966 University of Texas massacre.

They also found numerous pistols, some of which resemble pistols used by famous movie villains, and all of which should therefore be banned. A stockpile of ammunition arranged to "eerily resemble a Frederick's of Hollywood advertisement" were also found, claim onlookers. A library of violent videogames and outdated college textbooks were present, indicating the possibility that he might have been planning a school shooting.

The contents of Mr. F's sock-drawer remain classified until scientists can determine whether he has achieved Cold Fusion or simply committed a terrible sin against nature.

Mr. F is currently unreachable for comment as he disappeared following the appearance of strange lights over Kennesaw mountain last night. His last recorded utterance was, "Bigfoot and Jimi are a'comin' to take me home."

 

[flynlr]

Well, since I'm in Utah-

Police raided the home of a suspected terrorist in Tooele (too-ill-uh) today. He had an unbelievable amount of contraband and "questionable" if not outright illegal items in his home.

First were the cigarettes. He had posession of several packs of full-flavor 100's displayed openly. Several types of alcoholic beverages, though not in an excessive amount, and about 7 types of coffee. Then there were the magazines, Pen****se, Pla***y, some old copies of Hu****r, and others. Several videos and DVDs that aren't even mentionable, and a computer FULL of 200+ gig of downloaded files.

Oh yeah, he had some guns and 30 round magazines in his possession too.

quit spying on me will ya!

 

[.cheese.]

Local man's home found with excessively large DVD collection of terrible movies. - Also found was an unbelievably large cache of weapons and ammunition including assault rifles, sniper rifles, and a number of Glock handguns. Police are currently questioning a rubber duckie, found inside the residence. If you have questions or comments about your corn dogs, please call customer service.

 

[jeepmor]

Story at 11, I got to stay up late that night.

I was on the news when I was 6, boy puts xmas ornament on tree at local Denny's for some charity he can't remember. My 15 minutes has been over for 30 years. May yours be too.

Plus, my back was to the camera. Elvis lives...

 

[Phaetos]

man's hard drive, including the infamous "Anarchist's Cookbook",

Now that's interesting. I almost bought a hardcopy of that at the last gunshow I went to Along with several other books/pamphlets about improvised munitions and survival help. Wonder what that write up would look like?

 

[Seancass]

Local Student Has a Gun.

A local college student was found to be in possession of a revolving assault firearm today, along with many high powered assult weapons, shotguns, sniper rifles, grenades, explosive, thousands of rounds of explosive ammunition, hundreds of rounds of non-explosive ammumnition, several hundred John Deere tractors, many books about tractors, and one tactical assault cat. Investigators are trying to search his computer but having trouble getting past the hundreds of gigs of porn and viruses. His family is currently making plans to convert his bedroom into a game room in his absense. Police say he will probly never see the light of day again,... because his eyesight is very bad.

 

[dm1333]

I don't know what the reporter would write but I can hear the crime scene technicians "Man, all this guy ever looks at is TFL and internet porn!"

 

[Torque]

They would probably just misquote me as usual.

So Damn true.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

This is how the miranda warning SHOULD be read.

If they raided my house I don't know what they would say. I'd rather not find out.

 

[gunsmith]

an incredibly handsome man

was interviewed by police today after it was discovered
that he is also incredibly intelligent.

 

[BobCav]

"...he is survived by his wife, daughters and grandchildren..."

 

[G36-UK]

Now that's interesting. I almost bought a hardcopy of that at the last gunshow I went to Along with several other books/pamphlets about improvised munitions and survival help. Wonder what that write up would look like?

I thought it would be the old copy of Mein Kampf and the SS dagger that people might wonder about.

 

[collateral]

Monroe County police raided the home of a right wing militant today uncovering a shocking arsenal of high-powered military weapons. The house contained several SKS assault rifles which have been used against American soldiers in conflicts such as Vietnam and the current war in Iraq, a long range sniper rifle (ruger 10/22 with scope) with a 90 round drum, and a high capacity assault shotgun (870 with 2 round mag extension). The militant was also said to have possessed several hundred rounds for each of the weapons as well as 40 (stripper) clips for the assault rifles. The suspect's harddrive contained photographic evidence of himself and other insurgents taking part in guerrilla warfare training (pictures from the range).

 

[coyote_jr]

Local man's home found with excessively large DVD collection of terrible movies. - Also found was an unbelievably large cache of weapons and ammunition including assault rifles, sniper rifles, and a number of Glock handguns. Police are currently questioning a rubber duckie, found inside the residence. If you have questions or comments about your corn dogs, please call customer service.

Pissing. Oh man this thread is hilarious.