Larry,
I really enjoyed MHI. I thought it was generally well put together and entertaining. I kept reading because I kept wanting to know "what happens next." Always a good sign. I liked the characters and the universe and the surprises like the Elves and Orcs.
I do have a criticism. I wasn't going to bring it up, but you mentioned it first.
For reference, MHI is actually pretty darn long. An average action/fantasy novel usually clocks in under 150,000 words. In fact, that was my biggest hurdle over the last year while I was trying to get a traditional publishing contract
I'm with the group that thought the book was a bit too long. I thought the narrative flow, and the internal tension, would have worked better if the book would have been about 20% to 30% shorter.
At the length it is know there are times where the story loses momentum. It never quite *totally* stops, but it sure slows down in a few places.
In my very original draft I had more information about Lord Machado and his motivations, as well as a prolog from the events in Poland from WWII. The thing is, it really slowed the story down too much. Doing away with the prolog, enabled me to open a lot faster, and get the reader's attention.
Excellent decision. One of the areas where I wish it was shorter was the backstory with Lord Machado. I wanted to read more about the heros and the backstory was tedious to go through.
Do you ever read any Elmore Leonard? He gives a great piece of advice, "Leave out the parts that the reader's skip." For me, that would be the Lord Machado backstory. Less exposition, more action.
Actually, I have one more criticism. For a fantasy/horror/action novel, I think you like your characters too much. Too many of them survive the final apocolyptic battle at the end.
When the heros started to die in the swamp I thought, "Wow, I can't believe he killed *that* character. Gutsy move." Then, when they pretty much *all* died, I knew there'd be a reset in there soon.
At the end I thought too many of the main characters were left standing and I got the feeling it was because of how much you liked them as opposed to what worked for the story. Heck, Susan died *twice* and lived in the end. Too much of that and you undercut the tension.
Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed the book and I'm looking forward to the sequal. I just figured you could handle some honest criticism as well. Take it for what it's worth.