Yeah, but it's so fun...
The Complete Military History of France
- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
-The Dutch War - Tied
-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
-World War II - Lost. Twice. It’s important to note that during Operation Torch at the beginning of the US invasion of North Africa, US Forces battles French forces for 4 days… by the end of which, we had destroyed the French Navy and they of course surrendered to us. Later, conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." – Mark Twain
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." – General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." – Norman Schwartzkopf
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." – Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" –Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." – Rush Limbaugh,
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." – Regis Philbin
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." – P.J O'Rourke (1989)
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" – Jay Leno
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." – David Letterman
"The heaviest cross I had to bear was the Cross of Lorraine." – Winston Churchill
How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France!
Why wasn't Jesus born in France? God couldn't find three wise men, much less a virgin.
Why are the streets of Paris Lined with trees?
So the Germans can march in the shade.
Have we been misjudging the quality of French gunsmiths all along?
