OT, but I need some support.

[thefitzvh]

This is probably OT, but I need some advice from people who've been in this situation before... I live in an area where, for various reasons, I don't associate with the people that live near me. Other than my fiance, you guys are the whole group of friends I have. So, I know this is off topic, but I figured I'd ask for advice, since I've never had any bad advice given to me on this board.

I just found out my sister is back home. About a year ago , she moved out to SF to live with her boyfriend. Today, she came back. Her boyfriend forced her to, because she's addicted to cocaine (news to us), and apparently she almost died recently.

I just came to a fairly frightening realization that, no matter how good your parents are, or how "well rounded" your family is, stuff like this can happen to anyone. It's disconcerting to say the least.

I called my commander and let him know that I'm not gonna be in today, and I'm going to make sure my sister is alright. I want some advice from you guys. Has anyone here had a loved one addicted to drugs? how did you deal with it? How can I help her without coming across as condescending or lecturing...

I don't want to lecture her, because I love the kid. As much as I used to argue and bicker when we were kids, I'd hate it if anything happened to her. On the other hand, I wanna smack the hell out of her. But I think the most important thing I could do right now is be supportive, so I'm gonna try to go talk to her and see how she's doing.

Anyways, mods please move or delete this if you'd like, but there's no one I trust for advice more than the members of THR. Here we have a collection of some of the most level headed and responsible people in America, and that's what I need right now.


Thanks guys,
James

Gun Related: until she started F**king up, she was a helluva shot with a ruger mkII.

 

[clipse]

That is a rough situation. I think one thing she will need is alot of love. I have a younger sister that moved to texas with her BF and she is big into smoking weed. I was constantly trying to get her to stop. Her moving just made it all that much worse. Alot of love and caring. Try and get her to realize that she needs to stop. I know its harder to do than to say but then again thats what bothers are for. Good luck.

gun relate: My sister loved my sks. She said it made her happy.


clipse

 

[bogie]

Support her with anything she needs, except for $$ to buy stuff with. Don't condemn her - treat it like an illness. If she needs a ride to a therapist, make sure she gets it. Don't let her make excuses, or give her the opportunity to make excuses. Odds are she knows she's got a problem, and that's the first step.

 

[Smaug]

Yes, you should be supportive and try not to nag too much. Maybe help her to find something else to take up her time. (guns may not be good, as they would enable her to mug people for drug money)

But also, be aware the cocaine addicts are known to steal, even from family, to support their habit. Keep an eagle eye on her; maybe invite her to move in with you and your fiance for a bit if you two think it may help.

I do have a few friends aside from my girlfriend who lives with me, but not as many as I would like. I have a LOT of online friends, here and on Glocktalk.

My advice to you is to publish your state and area of residence in your profile information, so it is visible to all of us. I have hooked up with a couple of people through Glocktalk that way, and have made a few friends that way. It is always nice to make a 'virtual friend' into a 'real friend'. Additionally, when you see someone who has posted who lives in your state, ask him where he lives and if he may be interested in going shooting together. You may find out you have more in common than you could have guessed. It is all about being open.

 

[spacemanspiff]

hopefully the mods will let this stay open.......

one of my cousins (who has been more of a brother throughout the years) got addicted to crack when he was 18. he was pretty much trying to find the most extreme way to act out and booze just wasnt enough. at his peak he was spending $200 a day on crack and only a few knew about it.

those of us who did know decided that an intervention just wouldnt work, so we did what we could, which wasnt much, until one day he asked us for help. he knew he couldnt afford it much longer, and he was humble enough to come to his closest friends.

i told him i'd help, but that i wasnt his baby sitter. it was up to him to come to me when his cravings kicked in and when he did that, i wouldnt turn him away. he had a few setbacks, but we wound up doing a lot more spontaneous things like hitting the highway at 1 in the morning and getting away from any opportunity for him to contact his dealer. we'd rent movies, play video games, do anything to keep him busy. all that was from him realizing he needed to have someone there when the withdrawals and cravings kicked in.

he did kick the crack habit, and dabbled with coke the next few years, but he never got addicted to it.

what you have to realize is that you cant do anything for that person unless they want it. what i mean is, your efforts will not be appreciated if you try to force it on them.

my sister got on H and coke, and her husband (whom she was seperated from at the time) wanted to get back at her so one day when she was off getting her fix, he gathered the kids up and put them on a plane from seattle to my mother up here in alaska. true, the kids werent being cared for, and my sister is/was an unfit mother, but his reasons were simply to get back at her for cheating on him.
being away from her kids seemed to jolt my sister into doing the right thing. supposedly she is not doing drugs, has a job, and her kids seem to be happy.

while i'd like to avoid sounding like oprah, one must identify the cause of the addiction. some are genetically predisposed to addictions, and some seek it out.

 

[Standing Wolf]

I was acquainted with a serious drug addict years ago. I didn't know he was an addict until we'd known each other a year or two. Turns out he'd done everything from pot to cocaine to heroin and all parts in between.

He said Narcotics Anonymous—apparently just like Alcoholics Anonymous—saved his life. It didn't save him from a felony conviction, which was why he couldn't go target shooting with me.

 

[R.H. Lee]

Ditto.

Narcotics Anonymous is your best resource right now. Call them.
Remember, there are no guarantees. Nobody can make the addict quit until the addict wants to quit more than they want to use. Addiction is an EXTREMELY complex problem, but AA and NA seem to give the best chance.

 

[buy guns]

make her watch some drug movies (like reqiuem for a dream and scarface)where people get ????ed up bad in the end.

 

[RED-DOG 40]

....N.A. ,and" tough love"....if she is going to be with you, watch her like a hawk.
The rest is up to her. .....Good luck.

...Oh,BTW when you get back from the range with your WEAPONS(gun relation here),teach her how to clean your WEAPONS.

 

[thumbtack]

Until she admits that she wants to stop there is nothing that you can do but watch. If you try to stop her before she is ready to quite she will run away again.

Once she is ready to quite don't be surprised if she has a relapses or two. And try to remember that she feels like every fiber in her body is screaming for more coke.


Go here for more info
http://www.alanon.org

Good Luck.

 

[Penman]

She will need to admit to her problem, and to realise that she needs help before any progress can be made. There are recources for family members, and you need to contact the local NA chapter to get some support for yourself also. It may be difficult, but you need to be sure that in your concern for her, you do nothing that enables her addiction. See if you can hook up with some of the members here, that will help a lot.

 

[Dionysusigma]

Talking from experience here. I was in your sister's shoes, but on the other coast (DC) and into almost everything that's out there, as far as substance abuse goes. This was about 3 years ago, my junior year of high school.

I just came to a fairly frightening realization that, no matter how good your parents are, or how "well rounded" your family is, stuff like this can happen to anyone.

My mom was working for the American Nurses Association at the time and my dad was/is pursuing a degree in Biblical Languages from Catholic University. I understand more than enough what you mean here--I was raised going to church every Sunday, Wednesday, and every activity they had.

How did you deal with it?

Five weeks of rehab, but that was more of a secondary measure compared to the real one:

One day, after not going to school for three months, I was trying to think of someone's place I could crash at and finish off some heroin I had. I was sitting on a bench with a friend, listing off possibilities...
"What about <Person A>?" "Nah, they're under house arrest."
"Is <Person B> still around?" "No, they're in the hospital."
"<Person C>?" "In jail."
"<Person D>. We can go there, right?" "They died last week."

I hope you see the situation I was faced with. I think I did in time, and (what most people don't know) is that I was clean for about two weeks before I even started rehab. As soon as I was out, I got out of DC, away from it all and moved here (Oklahoma) so that I could have a chance to start anew, in a new place with new people that didn't know anything about me. If I had stayed in DC, I most likely would be dead.

How can I help her without coming across as condescending...I don't want to lecture her, because I love the kid. As much as I used to argue and bicker when we were kids, I'd hate it if anything happened to her. On the other hand, I wanna smack the hell out of her.

Be honest. To a fault, if you have to. Tell her how you feel. Be courageous... but you've already got the right idea:

But I think the most important thing I could do right now is be supportive, so I'm gonna try to go talk to her and see how she's doing.

I could've never made it through those times without my family and friends showing me how much they cared. After I got out of rehab, my friends, my parents, and I all went on a train ride to New York City for 4 days. Some of the best memories I've got in my 20 years were of that trip.

Be there for her. It's going to take time. But in the end, if you remain supportive and don't "smack the hell out of her" (or its equivalent), she will come out of it stronger than she's ever been before.

Don't give up.

 

[Josey]

NEVER LET HER NEAR A WEAPON OR UNATTENDED WITH WEAPONS IN THE HOUSE!! She may just steal them and trade or sell them for drugs. She might try a armed robbery. She may kill herself. Do not trust her. You must deal with the fact that the sister, the lttle girl, the good shot are gone, instead you now have a drug addict. She would kill you for some coke. She might prostitute herself for some coke. She will steal and rob to get some coke. Try to get her to self-admit to a treatment facility. If she doesn't, accept it. The courts will give her a free admission when she is arrested. She is no longer trustworthy, she is no longer your sister, she is a messed up individual. Do not give her a chance to steal and rob from you or access to any firearms. Do not trust her. Get her into treatment. You should look into taking her to court and having her declared non compus mentas. Arrange for a guardian/power of attorney to be appointed. Find a criminal defense attorney. She will probably need one. I have dealt with these drug addicts. Suicide is usually a option in their minds. They view it as a way to clean the slate and start over. Difficult to do when you are dead.

 

[Dionysusigma]

There is a difference between having an addiction and suicidal depression. One may cause the other, but one may prevent the other as well. With all due respect, the only time that all hope is gone is... frankly, when you stop caring.

You must deal with the fact that the sister, the lttle girl, the good shot are gone, instead you now have a drug addict... She is no longer trustworthy, she is no longer your sister, she is a messed up individual.

don't want to lecture her, because I love the kid. As much as I used to argue and bicker when we were kids, I'd hate it if anything happened to her. On the other hand, I wanna smack the hell out of her. But I think the most important thing I could do right now is be supportive, so I'm gonna try to go talk to her and see how she's doing.

I don't know thefitzvh, his sister, or Josey personally, but I've given my advice. The instant you treat her like a dangerous outsider may be the point where she really has nobody left. Keep the guns away for now, yes, but remember that she is your sister. Remember that, and it'll help you both through.

 

[P95Carry]

Lot of good input already ... none from me cos I have been fortunate enough to not have been very close to an addict.

dionysusigma relates a salutary but encouraging tale .... and often first hand experience is the best. I do know one local guy who was into .... well, everything ..... recently he came with me to a show and described it all ... quite how he kicked it I am still not sure but probably it was the love of a good woman (who he married) that clinched it.

 

[Psssniper]

PM sent
please give me a call

 

[Holly76201]

My Mother and my brother are both alcoholics. I spent years trying to get them to stop and engaging in every type of enabling behavior known to humankind.
IMHO, the best thing you can do is encourage her to get into a rehab program [usually the local Mental Health authority has a sliding scale program] and then follow up with Narcotics Anonymous.
For you and other family members, there are support groups , too. They can help you help yourself as well as your Sister. The NA group in your area can put you in touch with them. If there's no NA group near you, or her, go to AA. An addiction is an addiction, it's just that our culture , usually isn't as tolerant of drug use as it is of alcohol use.

Good Luck and let us know how things go, for you and for her.

Holly

 

[XLMiguel]

Thumbtack & Penman nailed it - she won't get well until she recognizes she has a problem and wants to step up and deal with it. The good news is she has you.

There is no half-way, one must quit & make a big change (and commitment) in lifestyle. Even then it'll be tough and will take time, maybe a few relapses, etc., but if she's willing to do the work, and you can back her up, it'll happen. NA and similar programs do work, but it takes dogged determination, and don't fool yourself, there's a lot of tough sledding ahead. Hang in there.

Good luck & God bless, best wishes & prayers for a successful outcome.

 

[Josey]

I have experience and training. I have been a social worker. I became a law enforcement officer. There is one other thing, have her tested for HIV/AIDS, TB, Hepatitus and other diseases. She has a chance. It is up to HER.

 

[Larry Ashcraft]

Dionysusigma...

Thank you for your input, not many would be man enough to stand up and relate his own experiences to help a brother in need.

A fellow High Roader needs our help. Glad you are here to provide it.

I'm proud of you.

 

[Trebor]

Ger her professional help. Don't let her try to just kick it on her own.

Remember that she's your sister, but DON'T TRUST HER. Not at all. not until she's earned it, and even then for a long time it will have to be "Trust, but Verify."

In the end, there's only so much you can do. She has to make the hard choices and do the hard work herself. The best you can do is be supportive when needed and not do anything to make the situation worse. Don't make it easy for her to stay on drugs, help her have a reason for staying OFF drugs. Let her know that you still love her, and that eventually she'll be able to earn back your trust, but for now, the trust bank is empty.

 

[sm]

My experience is with Alcoholics. Same disease , different drug of choice.
Get a copy of the "Big Book", you need to read it because "you are concerned about your sister and this makes you uncomfortable/ makes life un-manageable".

This is a self diagnosed disease. She has to Dx it, nobody else can. NA for her and a support group for you. Is my suggestion...seen it work, these twelve step programs. You both will benefit.

" Even those without our disease can find a better way of living life on life's terms, by following these steps" -Bill W

AA in '84 saved my bacon...

 

[TCD]

what you have to realize is that you cant do anything for that person unless they want it. what i mean is, your efforts will not be appreciated if you try to force it on them.

this can't be said enough....


A couple years back I was fairly addicted to drinking and smoking(some illegal stuff) My parents wanted me to stop and even made me promise them to stop

Didn't change a damn thing

However, I reached a point where I saw all my friends heading down a wrong path that I didn't want and I stopped pretty much cold turkey.


She has to want it, and want it for the right reasons.

 

[sturmruger]

Fitz hang in there.

I had a buddy that turned to drugs. I tried to always be there for him. He finally hit rock bottom and asked me for help I helped him but not by giving him money. I drove him around and helped him shop at goodwill for some decent clothes to go to interviews I paid for his interview outfit, and a few other items like soap and deodorant. I wouldn't let him stay at my house because I don't yet have a safe for my guns and I didn't trust him enough to leave him in the house when I was at work. I hope all works out well for your sis. We will keep your family in our prayers.

 

[fjolnirsson]

From experience with friends and my sister, she has to want to stop.
If she wants to stop, the most important thing,IMO, is to keep her away from ANYONE associated with her drug use. She must not have contact with anybody from that part of her life. It makes it too easy to slip back into the habit. No calls, no visits, no letters. Those people must be dead to her. That has been the common denominator in the folks I have known who were able to beat addictions.