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Ex-MA Hole

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...I'm sharing this on all the forums I read...It's been almost 24hours and I'm still sick to my stomach...Yesterday my Daughter came up to me and asked to talk. She looked serious and scared. She told me that she did something wrong and wanted to tell me, but I had to promise her I wouldn't be mad. I assured her that as long as no one was dead, she would be fine. She told me that a while ago when Jen and I were upstairs in the shower and she was downstairs playing with her dolls and two boys knocked on the back sliding door and told her to let them in and that they wanted to play with her. She told them through the open window, as I have told her 1,000,000 times before, that she needed to ask her Mommy and Daddy and she'd be right back. They told her no and to let them in. She said no and went to ask us. She said when she tuned around to head upstairs, they took off.

She was scared because I told her to be nice to people and she was, in her five year old mind, mean to them and felt awful about it. I explained to her that I was VERY proud of her and that she did the right thing. I told her that she was polite but telling the that she couldn't let them without asking Mommy and Daddy, and that she was great for not giving in. I told her that she was REALLY, REALLY good for doing what she did, and that she did EXACTLY what she should have, except that she should have told us right away.

She said that she didn't tell us because she didn't want to get into a timeout out for being mean to people.

I recognize that this may be the creation of a five year old little girl's mind, or she may have seen it on tv, or it may have been the kids in the neighborhood selling candy for the school fundraiser...but...I guess even living in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire, you never know...
 
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Addressing 'stranger danger' is a critical component of HD/SD and should be very much a topic for discussion here. As Jeff White has stated in the past more elequently than I, if you're dealing with household intruders then you've likely (but not always) already failed at least one aspect of your responsibilities.

The vast majority of 'keeping the household safe' would seem to be teaching the household members the skills needed to avoid trouble. It sounds like your daughter did just fine.
 
Wow what good thing she decided to be "Mean" to these people , while she did great you need to tell her there most certainly times in life where being mean to people is more than acceptable .

Sounds like you need to get that little lady a new Puppy to play with outside since the weather is getting nice and make it a well bred German Sheppard and you can all relax when it is full grown as it will instinctively take care of being "Mean to strangers" trying to get into your house and or bothering that little girl again .
 
I recognize that this may be the creation of a five year old little girl's mind, or she may have seen it on tv, or it may have been the kids in the neighborhood selling candy for the school fundraiser...but...I guess even living in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire, you never know...
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Even if it was a creation in her mind, she knows what to do and how you feel about it if it does happen. Assuming it's real, and we really don't have a reason to believe it's not, she did a fine job. Either way, it's a good thing. I've got a little girl about to turn 7 and I'm the most nervous son of a gun I've ever seen. I worry about things like that. She's good about stuff like that though. Sounds like yours is as well.
 
She told me that she did something wrong...
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This is the thing that bothers me so much. What are we doing that makes them think they did something wrong? How do we keep our kids from thinking they did/are doing something wrong?
 
Good for daughter, and good for dad for teaching her well, I say.

The only thing that I might throw out there is the possibility of talking to any neighbors that you are on friendly terms with to see if this has happened anywhere else close by.

If I was a neighbor with a little girl of similar age, I'd want to know about this, even if there is a good chance that it was nothing.

JMO.
 
Great work! You should be proud, not scared. Don't live in the "could have happened". Thanks for sharing. It helps reinforce the fact that we need always be ready and alert, at all ages.

Geno
 
two boys knocked on the back sliding door and told her to let them in and that they wanted to play with her.
Click to expand...

If she knew who the were, she did the right thing. If she didn't know who they were, the teaching you gave her may have prevented a tragedy. In either case, be proud of her, and of yourself for teaching her well. Now your task is to teach her not to be nervous about telling you right away. Lots of praise for her good decision are in order.

Les
 
You should be proud! Reward that little angel with a big ol' dog as has already been suggested.

I've got to say I'm sorry this happened, but I'm glad she's safe.
 
Children are a reflection of the parents.

You both did good, and definately a trip to Dairy Queen/Tastee Freeze/etc. should be in order.




Kris
 
ChRoMo (post #10)- that was the big issue, and the learning experience for me as a parent.

She thought that she did something wrong because I have been doing what I thought was right, teaching her to not talk to strangers, but, yet, teaching her not to be rude and to say please and thank you. Along with that, when we are out in a store and someone says "Hi", you say "Hi" back. I've been teaching her since she could talk how to order for her self. She has a mouth and I'm teaching her to use it. There is no reason that she, as a five year old, can't answer a basic question at a restaurant "What do you want to drink"?

"Apple juice, please". It gives her a sense of pride to be somewhat self sufficient.

When the waitress drops it on the table, she says thank you.

When we go to the bank and she wants a sticker, I make her ask.

When we go to the Doctor and she wants a sticker, I make her ask.

When we are out in a store and someone asks how old she is, she proudly holds up five fingers.

When we met a police officer on our street two weeks back when a tree went down across the road, she asked to bring him something to drink. She went tot he fridge, grabbed him a Coke, tossed on her coat and got me, we walked up and she said hi, and gave him the Coke, then asked to see his car...

I'm trying to teach her not to be rude.

To me, as a (somewhat) mature adult, the line was clear, to a five year old, it wasn't and I had never thought of the conflict in what I was telling her.

-------------------------

To update...

Called Concord, PD, they wanted to talk to her...picked her up at daycare...

Went to the police station and met with a VERY nice detective. He must have kids because he saw her and went from bad ass to softie in 1/2 second. Awesome guy, GREAT with Sam...asked direct questions and listened to her.

Based on his line of questioning (he was far better at asking the "right" questions than I was), it seems that they are early teens and it was last summer. There is nothing they can do at this point to figure out who it was, which I assumed, but he did document it as an attempted home invasion. That just sounds scary to me.

Once he figured out that I was not a typical lunatic, he asked me if he could give me a suggestion, I told absolutely. He told me my Daughter is special, but that I should not worry about what had happened too much. He said that he has had zero reports of any other problems in the area, and it was probably neighborhood kids or some of their friends bored and looking for something to do.

He did agree 100% that things could have gone SERIOUSLY south, and to continue to lock doors, etc, but that being the only complaint, he didn't think it was serial behavior in the neighborhood.


On the way out, Sammi asked him if she could see a police car, he told he absolutely. We walked through the station and out the back door where someone was ending their shift. The guy asked him if he minded showing her the cars. He, too, had a soft spot for kids- she got to sit in the drivers seat and play with the lights and sirens.

He asked why we were there so I told him, he got knelt down to her level and told her how proud he was of her and that she did the right thing, then he shook her hand.

She was beaming.

Kudos to Concord PD for treating her the way they did. I was very happy with how they handled it.


Yes, she got dinner and a stuffed dog....she didn't want ice cream as she needed to go home to "feed her new doggie".

Sigh, kids.
 
As a parent of daughters, I'd like to share some thoughts. We strive to teach our children (among other things):

(1) To be polite, courteous, kind, etc.

(2) To follow the rules we teach them for their safety.

(3) To stand up for themselves.

As in this case, children often find themselves conflicted when multiple teachings apply to a situation, and working through these cases and learning when to apply and balance the teachings is a normal part of growing up.

I expect that the experience with the police was a very powerful confirmation and reassurance that, as you told her, she'd made the right choice between conficting teachings.

One huge challenge we face in raising our daughters is that our society and culture powerfully pressures females to avoid making anyone else feel unhappy -- even at the expense of their own safety and psyche. This is a very hard tide to fight, but for the benefit of our daughters, and ultimately society, we have to do the best we can. Here's an example of where things break down when women internalize the belief that they must not stand up for themselves when it causes others discomfort:

http://www.defensivecarry.com/vbull...sion/102850-my-self-defense-class-tussle.html

Sounds like you're doing great so far. Hang in there -- you've got years to go :).
 
...when Jen and I were upstairs in the shower and she was downstairs playing...
Click to expand...

ummmm....what?

Don't know if this just came out wrong, but I get my "quality time" when the kids don't need watching, i.e., after they're in bed. :D

We're starting to work on this stuff with my 3 year old. I don't think you can start early enough.
 
Showering together saves money.

To bring it back on topic, good on you for keeping your daughter smart.
 
I don't think you can start early enough.
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Agreed, although you clearly have to be careful to make sure that the message is digestible by the child (as the OP demonstrates).

In my household, we started the kids off with simple rules and no ambiguity - never answer the phone or open an outside door without prior permission of an adult no matter what. Once the kids grew to the point where we could start the 'stranger danger' dialogs and begin to impart the notion of OPSEC about household items and issues, the rules could be nuanced to allow for some judgment to be exercised by the kids (under controlled circumstances).

For some reason, answering the door and the phone are Really Big Responsibilities in the eyes of a young child. It's almost as if the doorbell and the phone ringer are the equivalent of wrapped gifts - surprises just waiting to be opened -and the kids simply want to be The One To Open The Present.

You really have to watch how your kids react to strangers to know how best to structure the lessons and rules. Some kids are naturally suspicious of anyone (my youngest), others are cautious but completely let down their guard when they hear their name (my oldest), and some (my middle child) are completely without a notion that not everybody that they meet is their new best friend.
 
no advice to be given.
You seem to be doing alright in every aspect.

Another vote on you owe her some
icecream. :)

Mindset is essential.
With a kid its
1. Mindset
2. Scream, run , contact adults.

... as an adult
mindset, skillset, toolset set in.

IMHO giving kids access to a martial arts class
is a very good way of furthering this social skill.
 
:cool:the toughest thing to do is teach a young child the right thing to do in each situation. no matter how hard you try you just cant teach what takes years to learn. you have taught your daughter well, and she applied those lessons nicely. it sounds like she will grow up to be a fine young lady that you can be proud of.
 
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