Hey man, take what you want from my editing. One more thing, I would add in more examples of self-reliance that are not related to guns. More examples of self-reliance and personal responsibility would round out the essay nicely and convince fence-sitters well. I also suggest a less "one-on-one" conversational tone and more of a formal tone, and your paragraph transitions can use some work too. Overall though very nice rough draft.
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Choices [titles are a good place for humor or irony; how about something witty, like a play on the idiom shooting the messenger? "The Messenger Got Shot in a Gun Free Zone: How Your Freedom and Choice are Being Eroded While Irrational Fear is Promoted]
Let me begin, if I may, with a question. [<-weak start, cut this part, the rhetorical question stands alone great] Do criminals follow the law? If you cannot answer this question with an assured 'No' then please, stop reading. Like almost every math problem in the world there has to be a set of “givens” or “initial conditions”. If we cannot agree on these initial conditions then we may not proceed. If you answered “yes” then please, continue and let's talk about choices. [the givens and such aren't clicking for me. I think a short, hard-hitting paragraph that ends after "then stop reading" would be a great, pithy way of getting across your main thesis and forcing the reader to admit that criminals, indeed, don't follow laws. the rest just dilutes.]
I present to you more initial conditions. In 7 days, these three separate events will happen to you, guaranteed, without uncertainty. While cooking, a small appliance in your home will catch fire. You will be mugged and subsequently stabbed by a thief. While driving home your car will have a flat tire. I also append to these certain circumstances that emergency services will take exactly 10 minutes to arrive. I now propose the question; what are your choices to prepare for these events that will happen to you? [these hypotheticals are powerful, but instead of initial conditions say "Imagine this" - as it is, it is slightly confusing, especially to the potentially hostile/non-favorable reader. also if you had a little bit of a prosaic, conventional paragraph between the current P2 and P1, it would ground the essay nicely. still, good start.]
The worst place in the world is to be on the phone with a 911 operator in need of help. [worst place in the world is a cliche. come up with a more resonant image or phrase that we don't hear all the time.] Something dire is happening to you and the 911 operator has just told you, “The police/ambulance are on the way.” You only have a few seconds till tragedy and the rescue service, which is just getting the call from the dispatcher, are minutes away. I cannot fathom the amount of people in the United States who have been in this situation; situations like house fires, robberies, or just common flat tires. Most state, county, or city governments cannot afford to place enough emergency services to have them respond immediately in a crisis. This places a great responsibility for your own personal safety on you.
[the personal responsibility point, and the FACTUAL point about response time (which needs an inline citation), are VERY relevant and hard-hitting. put them at the beginning of the paragraph!! Time to bring in some hard-hitting facts and more relevant points here. at this point the essay needs to be progressing toward convincing people. this paragraph currently just serves to convince people that having an emergency and making 911 calls sucks, which is basically a given. the appeal to fear/emotion is weak, whereas the point about responsibility is fresh and relevant...and is what your essay is about, correct?]
There are places in the country that have no cell phone service. Great stretches of land where outdoorsman; hikers, campers, and hunters, can go and get away from it all. Remote places like this also harbor criminals that grow illicit drugs.(1) These entrepreneurs are frequently very protective of their crops and will resort to violence to protect it. What does a hiker do against desperate armed men and women who does not want to go to jail? In the above examples the police were exactly 10 minutes away. What if they are unable to respond to you because you cannot call them?
[Good, but streamline it...many people will respond that the odds are so low that it's not worth the time, expense, or even risk of packing heat; are you trying to convince everyone to carry, or simply arguing that the right be available to everyone? there's a difference. remember, you need to anticipate your opponent's arguments and respond as if in dialogue with them]
There are usually two crowds involved in this debate of self protection. [not this debate, "the debate"] There is one crowd that states that the criminal is to blame. The person behind the act is whom we persecute. There is also a crowd that goes after the tool that is used. If a person is murdered in a swimming pool, do we make swimming pools against the law?
The 'swimming pool crowd' usually resorts to self protection issues as a police function. They say that if they are in trouble, they will dial the police, and the police will come and protect them. Jessica Gonzales thought the same thing. Her husband, in violation of a restraining order came to her house unannounced. The husband took her children. Thinking harm would come upon her or her children, Jessica called the police. The police were not concerned because he was the children's father. The husband later murdered her three children even after multiple calls from Jessica about the incident. Jessica sued the Castle Rock police department citing that the police, under the restraining order, were to respond and protect her children. The US Supreme Court ruled 7-2 against Jessica that she could not sue the police for not enforcing the restraining order. Even though the court had ordered the husband to follow a certain set of rules; the police were not there to enforce them. (2)
[very goood paragraph. cut or refine the previous paragraph. try to avoid scare-tactic language and keep it focused on a logical argument. the previous paragraph, which tries to anticipate the argument of the opposition, verges on a straw man fallacy.]
What about specific examples were police were not able to respond in time to protect civilians. [error, need a "?", and also "What about" and "Let's pick on" are too colloquial and not formal enough for a paper] Let's pick on the phrase “going postal.” Since 1983 there have been more than 40 people killed in more than 20 incidents involving postal worker shootings. (3)
School shootings are also a prime example of the inability of police protection. Many of these are covered extensively by the media. Most of us know about Virginia Tech, Columbine, and the most recent University of Washington shooting of Rebecca Griego (4). Many events like this, especially in situations like Columbine and Virginia Tech, the police arrived when the event was unfolding but could not intervene. All they could do was surround the area and wait till the criminal either stopped, or in those situations, turned the gun on themselves.
[these are decent examples but you need more compelling examples. anyone who wants to dismantle your argument only needs to cite the incredibly low odds of facing a school shooting]
How many killings do you hear about coming from areas like shooting ranges, army bases, or gun shows that are not from accidents? In the post offices and schools, the murderer used firearms. If they are the problem, then where there are a significant amount of them being used; it must be a murder festival.
[army bases actually do now allow most people to carry guns - also, there are a significant number of domestic abuse cases there - poor example, but everything else is pretty good. also rather than speaking to the reader conversationally I would adopt a somewhat more formal tone]
If you are lucky enough to be reading this in a post office, a school, a courthouse or other government building then you have had your choice removed. These areas are called “Weapon Free Zones.” They bar weapons of any kind onto their property. But wait! Didn't I ask a question at the beginning, who follows the law? Law abiding citizens follow the law, criminals do not. In all of these examples it was illegal to murder someone. Yet the murderer broke that law. It didn't matter if they used their fist, a baseball bat, or a firearm.
[nice tie-in]
What these “Weapon Free Zones” do is remove your choice. If you agree that the police are not there to defend you and you are legally barred from being able to carry a firearm for your defense, doesn't that give the criminals more choice?
[good conclusion. however, i think you need some mention of these weapon free zones throughout, rather than just at the beginning and end]
(1) : Marijuana Eradication Efforts Move to the White Mountains
Written by Tom Woods Thursday, 17 September 2009 15:44 http://www.ksrw.sierrawave.net
(2) Castle Rock v. Gonzales, Supreme Court case: 545 U.S. 748 (2005) Failure of police to enforce a restraining order
(3) Edmund, OK, 1986. Ridgewood, New Jersey, 1991. Dearborne Michigan, 1993, Dana Point California, 1993. To name a few specifically.
(4) Two Killed in University of Washington Shooting, April 2, 2007 http://www.king5.com/topstories/stor....25f0537f.html
--
Choices [titles are a good place for humor or irony; how about something witty, like a play on the idiom shooting the messenger? "The Messenger Got Shot in a Gun Free Zone: How Your Freedom and Choice are Being Eroded While Irrational Fear is Promoted]
Let me begin, if I may, with a question. [<-weak start, cut this part, the rhetorical question stands alone great] Do criminals follow the law? If you cannot answer this question with an assured 'No' then please, stop reading. Like almost every math problem in the world there has to be a set of “givens” or “initial conditions”. If we cannot agree on these initial conditions then we may not proceed. If you answered “yes” then please, continue and let's talk about choices. [the givens and such aren't clicking for me. I think a short, hard-hitting paragraph that ends after "then stop reading" would be a great, pithy way of getting across your main thesis and forcing the reader to admit that criminals, indeed, don't follow laws. the rest just dilutes.]
I present to you more initial conditions. In 7 days, these three separate events will happen to you, guaranteed, without uncertainty. While cooking, a small appliance in your home will catch fire. You will be mugged and subsequently stabbed by a thief. While driving home your car will have a flat tire. I also append to these certain circumstances that emergency services will take exactly 10 minutes to arrive. I now propose the question; what are your choices to prepare for these events that will happen to you? [these hypotheticals are powerful, but instead of initial conditions say "Imagine this" - as it is, it is slightly confusing, especially to the potentially hostile/non-favorable reader. also if you had a little bit of a prosaic, conventional paragraph between the current P2 and P1, it would ground the essay nicely. still, good start.]
The worst place in the world is to be on the phone with a 911 operator in need of help. [worst place in the world is a cliche. come up with a more resonant image or phrase that we don't hear all the time.] Something dire is happening to you and the 911 operator has just told you, “The police/ambulance are on the way.” You only have a few seconds till tragedy and the rescue service, which is just getting the call from the dispatcher, are minutes away. I cannot fathom the amount of people in the United States who have been in this situation; situations like house fires, robberies, or just common flat tires. Most state, county, or city governments cannot afford to place enough emergency services to have them respond immediately in a crisis. This places a great responsibility for your own personal safety on you.
[the personal responsibility point, and the FACTUAL point about response time (which needs an inline citation), are VERY relevant and hard-hitting. put them at the beginning of the paragraph!! Time to bring in some hard-hitting facts and more relevant points here. at this point the essay needs to be progressing toward convincing people. this paragraph currently just serves to convince people that having an emergency and making 911 calls sucks, which is basically a given. the appeal to fear/emotion is weak, whereas the point about responsibility is fresh and relevant...and is what your essay is about, correct?]
There are places in the country that have no cell phone service. Great stretches of land where outdoorsman; hikers, campers, and hunters, can go and get away from it all. Remote places like this also harbor criminals that grow illicit drugs.(1) These entrepreneurs are frequently very protective of their crops and will resort to violence to protect it. What does a hiker do against desperate armed men and women who does not want to go to jail? In the above examples the police were exactly 10 minutes away. What if they are unable to respond to you because you cannot call them?
[Good, but streamline it...many people will respond that the odds are so low that it's not worth the time, expense, or even risk of packing heat; are you trying to convince everyone to carry, or simply arguing that the right be available to everyone? there's a difference. remember, you need to anticipate your opponent's arguments and respond as if in dialogue with them]
There are usually two crowds involved in this debate of self protection. [not this debate, "the debate"] There is one crowd that states that the criminal is to blame. The person behind the act is whom we persecute. There is also a crowd that goes after the tool that is used. If a person is murdered in a swimming pool, do we make swimming pools against the law?
The 'swimming pool crowd' usually resorts to self protection issues as a police function. They say that if they are in trouble, they will dial the police, and the police will come and protect them. Jessica Gonzales thought the same thing. Her husband, in violation of a restraining order came to her house unannounced. The husband took her children. Thinking harm would come upon her or her children, Jessica called the police. The police were not concerned because he was the children's father. The husband later murdered her three children even after multiple calls from Jessica about the incident. Jessica sued the Castle Rock police department citing that the police, under the restraining order, were to respond and protect her children. The US Supreme Court ruled 7-2 against Jessica that she could not sue the police for not enforcing the restraining order. Even though the court had ordered the husband to follow a certain set of rules; the police were not there to enforce them. (2)
[very goood paragraph. cut or refine the previous paragraph. try to avoid scare-tactic language and keep it focused on a logical argument. the previous paragraph, which tries to anticipate the argument of the opposition, verges on a straw man fallacy.]
What about specific examples were police were not able to respond in time to protect civilians. [error, need a "?", and also "What about" and "Let's pick on" are too colloquial and not formal enough for a paper] Let's pick on the phrase “going postal.” Since 1983 there have been more than 40 people killed in more than 20 incidents involving postal worker shootings. (3)
School shootings are also a prime example of the inability of police protection. Many of these are covered extensively by the media. Most of us know about Virginia Tech, Columbine, and the most recent University of Washington shooting of Rebecca Griego (4). Many events like this, especially in situations like Columbine and Virginia Tech, the police arrived when the event was unfolding but could not intervene. All they could do was surround the area and wait till the criminal either stopped, or in those situations, turned the gun on themselves.
[these are decent examples but you need more compelling examples. anyone who wants to dismantle your argument only needs to cite the incredibly low odds of facing a school shooting]
How many killings do you hear about coming from areas like shooting ranges, army bases, or gun shows that are not from accidents? In the post offices and schools, the murderer used firearms. If they are the problem, then where there are a significant amount of them being used; it must be a murder festival.
[army bases actually do now allow most people to carry guns - also, there are a significant number of domestic abuse cases there - poor example, but everything else is pretty good. also rather than speaking to the reader conversationally I would adopt a somewhat more formal tone]
If you are lucky enough to be reading this in a post office, a school, a courthouse or other government building then you have had your choice removed. These areas are called “Weapon Free Zones.” They bar weapons of any kind onto their property. But wait! Didn't I ask a question at the beginning, who follows the law? Law abiding citizens follow the law, criminals do not. In all of these examples it was illegal to murder someone. Yet the murderer broke that law. It didn't matter if they used their fist, a baseball bat, or a firearm.
[nice tie-in]
What these “Weapon Free Zones” do is remove your choice. If you agree that the police are not there to defend you and you are legally barred from being able to carry a firearm for your defense, doesn't that give the criminals more choice?
[good conclusion. however, i think you need some mention of these weapon free zones throughout, rather than just at the beginning and end]
(1) : Marijuana Eradication Efforts Move to the White Mountains
Written by Tom Woods Thursday, 17 September 2009 15:44 http://www.ksrw.sierrawave.net
(2) Castle Rock v. Gonzales, Supreme Court case: 545 U.S. 748 (2005) Failure of police to enforce a restraining order
(3) Edmund, OK, 1986. Ridgewood, New Jersey, 1991. Dearborne Michigan, 1993, Dana Point California, 1993. To name a few specifically.
(4) Two Killed in University of Washington Shooting, April 2, 2007 http://www.king5.com/topstories/stor....25f0537f.html
