The Mall Ninja

[Mr White]

Every board has its legendary morons, but I think Mall Ninja might top most, if not all, of them. I LMFAO at that post. Its a good thing the guy who posted it made the disclaimer about not taking responsibility for coffee being spit out onto keyboards, or his a$$ would be buying me a new keyboard right now.

Prank or not, it was funny as hell and pretty spot-on for for some of the mall guards I've run into. Yup. You can never be too tactical when you lay your life on the line everyday to keep the kiddies from wasting ketchup at the food court!

 

[ETXhiker]

This guy's talent is wasted - I'll buy a copy of the paperback. Too bad Chris Farley is gone, he'd be perfect for the screenplay.

 

[heypete]

I have come to the conclusion that whatever anyone tells you about what they did in Special Forces, it isnt true. If they're a mall ninja, who is making up a bunch of wild stories, they are all false. And if the guy really is in Special Forces, he will probably say something like "Oh I was just in the area helping out with a bit of training. No big deal", and subtely change the subject, if he says anything at all. He's not just gonna come out and tell you the details of all his operations. A: it's probably illegal. and B: the vast majority of guys who make it that far into the military and special groups tend to have a lot ot tact, civility, and humbleness. Bragging about "dark ops" is just doesn't fit.

*nods* When I was the army, one of my buddies was so subtle about it that he didn't even wear the Special Forces or Ranger tabs (he more than earned both), nor a bunch of the different qualification badges he had (many). He kept all of those in a little lined box in barracks wall locker.

The only thing that he had on his BDUs (other than his nametapes and unit patch, obviously) was a combat patch from his first tour.

He showed me pictures of himself with a bunch of other SF buddies (with tabs on their uniforms) in a few remote areas. Nothing staged, just a bunch of the guys relaxing back at their base after a mission or something.

This guy was "calm and quiet" in the extreme, and called no attention whatsoever to himself. Still, he was an incredibly nice guy, educated and well-versed in many topics, and could shoot the balls of a gnat at 200 yards with a .22.

When he got really sick (we both met in a medical unit for Operation Iraqi Freedom folks -- I had an injured foot), one had to be careful about waking him up to give him food...he was a bit jittery, and had a way of waking up and being prepared to kill whoever woke him up. He said the only folks who could clamber and climb all over him when he was asleep was his wife and daughter. A little odd for him to wake up going for your throat (at least he warned me the day before), but after a while he got used to me waking him up.

Overweight braggarts are rarely, if ever, vets of any kind, let alone SF types. While I may be in possession of a modest (20lbs or so) emergency food supply, I just used to drive tanks for Uncle Sam.

You know, I should really see about getting in touch with this guy again...it's been a few years...

 

[Joe Demko]

Mall Ninja was definitely a satirist. Read through the excerpts Tecumseh has posted here. Much of it should sound familiar, for Mall Ninja drew his material from boards like this one. IOW, we were the ones he was satirizing. I, for one, find his lampooning of tacticality to be dead on and hilarious. His bigotry-disguised-as-situational-awareness also cracks me up. The constant swipes at "liberals" and Democrats is priceless. Mall Ninja, whoever he was, was a genius.

 

[DRMMR02]

...I believe I saw someone who may have been Muslim driving down the street. IT sent me into a tactical alert...

Wow.

 

[DontBurnMyFlag]

oh...my...god...






Im laughing hysterically in my college computer lab and people are so confused.

 

[imprezagm4]

^ I'm working in my college's computer lab and I too was laughing like an idiot to myself

Perhaps the most amusing part of it all is that the Mall Ninja could very well be any member of THR, TFL, or even packing.org

 

[Autolycus]

Chris Farley would make an awesome mall ninja. Can you see him doing a tactical roll when he sees a car diving down the street?

 

[Joe Demko]

Chris Farley would make an awesome mall ninja

I think he's otherwise engaged.

 

[DRMMR02]

ouch

 

[Mr White]

Do you think the Myspace Ninja is a gun guy poking fun at mall ninjas/chairborne rangers, or a lib making fun of gun owners and CCW holder stereotypes?

My thought is that its the latter.

 

[Lonestar]

These guys are wasting their talents. I don't watch a lot of TV but if they had a sitcom about the life of a group of mall ninjas, I would tune in every night There I said it first COPYRIGHTS

The scary thing is I have ran into people on gun boards and in real life that are dead serious about being a tactical "chair borne" ranger (Good one Mr. White)

 

[psyopspec]

Mr. White, if it's the latter suggestion that you proposed, they sure put an awful lot of time into researching gunboard culture.

I share a philosophy with Roger Rabbit - If you don't have a sense of humor, you're better off dead. That's some well-written satire right there.

 

[Mr White]

Don't get me wrong, I LMAO at it, but just the way he kept throwing the "I'm a CCWer" around, it sounded like it could come from the other side, from a viewpoint of "see what idiots the gunnutz/CCWers are."

I know a few chairbornes (I didn't invent that term) and I wouldn't say that they give normal, responsible gun owners a black eye. Maybe a big red clown's nose, though. Theres a group of student security patrol officers at the college where I work. They mostly direct traffic, act as crossing guards at big events, and wander around with a sense of importance at football games. You'll see some of them with a big leather tac belt on, with a tactical light and a bunch of other stuff. They are armed with a pen, a pad of paper, a radio, a flashlight and a whistle. That's all the tactical you need. They can't carry knives, batons, pepper spray, or anything even remotely resembling a weapon, but they can sure look semi-tactical when they try. It's pretty funny.

 

[crunker]

This guy may have some talent, but in all likelyhood he's a paranoid person.

I can understand wanting to have some heavier weapons in an arms room, but an MP7? That's just unreal. I wouldn't go for MGs at all, they'd make me look more liable in court. A civie MP-5 would do nicely though.

 

[Autolycus]

Mr. White:

I think it is a bit of both. The ninja I wrote about admitted it was a joke on a myspace CCW board. Some people flipped out and others thought it was funny as hell. I think it just takes few shots at us but it is funny. I can see where they got a lot of the things off of this board and other gunboards. The author admitted that he used to post on Glocktalk but that they were not "tactical" enough for him. I figure we have to be able to laugh at ourselves before we laugh at anyone else.

 

[jerkyman45]

This has gotta be one of the funniest things ever, the gecko45 postings, the blog, someone tell me this is a joke and nobody can be this unbelievable. I havent stopped laughing in a good 15 minutes. thanks for posting this.

 

[Wesker]

I actually had to walk away and stop reading it

 

[Autolycus]

Wesker was that because it is to funny? Or is it to stupid?

 

[DWARREN123]

Maybe I could be a Mall Ninja, all I need is a high cap mag for my revolver and tactical clothing with Ninja boots.

 

[Mr White]

I agree, Tecumseh. We do have to be able to laugh at ourselves, and I LMAO at the Mall Ninja and the Myspace CCW Tac Patrol Ranger, I just don't like it when other people laugh at ourselves.

 

[OldBillThundercheif]

Anyone who uses the word tactical more than once in a conversation is fairly questionable. The word is very rarely used correctly. Unless there is a thermonuclear-armed alternative, using the adjective tactical is unnecessary and redundant.

Of course it's a "tactical" rifle! I have yet to see a strategic rifle.

Even this one would not qualify as a strategic rifle as it fired "tactical" nuclear projectiles...

 

[Diamondback6]

[humor]OldBill, now THAT's what I'm talkin' about! Where do I get one?

Mmmm... a 280mm with an EOtech, a laser, a Surefire and all the standard "tactitroll" accessories... [/humor]

And then there was GunTroll and his assault wheelbarrow...

[humor]What gun to hunt mall-ninja?[/humor]

Indeed, you must laugh at yourself before you can laugh at others. Which is why I have my "Tackleberry Lite" act...

 

[TimboKhan]

I have come to the conclusion that whatever anyone tells you about what they did in Special Forces, it isnt true

I can't tell you how many "Navy SEALS" I have met over the years. Once, I had a kid at school try and convince me that he was a Ranger and was taught to kill using a crossbow. About 99.9% of the time, I rank ANYONE who claims to be SF right up there with the people that know people that wait in the limbs of trees with knives until the deer walks underneath.

 

[carpediem]

What, you've never tried that?