My wife wasn't too interested in guns until I started referring to the gun she liked the most as "hers". She will ask about the right bullets and grips, but only speak about her gun. Anytime I trade in a gun, she says " not mine, I assume". She goes shooting with me twice a year.
Wives and guns
- Thread starter Trent
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oneounceload
member
Along with this sage advice, remember
"If momma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy"
You need to step it up, stop trying to change her and be happy she isn't totally pissed about your hobby
We see it all the time - a man marries a woman hoping she will never change and a woman marries a man hoping she can change him - and therein lies the conflict. If she doesn't totally accept your hobby, why are you trying to force a round peg in a square hole? That will just tick her off even more. Go low key, don't mess up HER house, don't use the dishwasher or washing machine for ANYTHING gun related, keep the smells, mess, etc out of the house
After a nice LONG respite from the mess, etc. THEN start to see if she might like to try it - but if she resists - STOP RIGHT THEN and do not push it further - self defense or whatever be damned
coolluke01
Member
I also thought it was a little rough. But he is right. You have been very upfront and vulnerable by bringing this up here. That's commendable.
You should realize that there is a root problem here, her dislike of guns is just a manifestation of the root issue. But I think you see that. You're on the right track. Good luck.
You should realize that there is a root problem here, her dislike of guns is just a manifestation of the root issue. But I think you see that. You're on the right track. Good luck.
A little rough?
We discussed the issues civilly, I put thought in to what factors (plural) were contributing to the issue, took feedback, admitted I had to change, and acted on those changes.
THEN, after all of this, I get drug through the mud and slapped in the face by a moderator on a board whose existence is to exemplify taking "the high road."
Speaking of the High Road, I have nothing else remaining to say about this issue and will take my leave. I got the answers I was looking for, and appreciate all the help you folks provided today.
We discussed the issues civilly, I put thought in to what factors (plural) were contributing to the issue, took feedback, admitted I had to change, and acted on those changes.
THEN, after all of this, I get drug through the mud and slapped in the face by a moderator on a board whose existence is to exemplify taking "the high road."
Speaking of the High Road, I have nothing else remaining to say about this issue and will take my leave. I got the answers I was looking for, and appreciate all the help you folks provided today.
Ala Dan
Member in memoriam
My late wife didn't mind me owning firearms; just so I had a means too pay
for them, and did not take away from the family budget. Nowdays, without
her income, I have slowed down considerably~!
for them, and did not take away from the family budget. Nowdays, without
her income, I have slowed down considerably~!
larryh1108
Member
I think this thread/topic may have really helped your marriage, as a whole. Believe me when I tell you it's nice to hear about some things from the mouth of your spouse instead of an attorney. Men and women, both, are guilty of hearing but not listening. Unfortunately, we figure our spouse knows "how to read between the lines". By wishing your wife would learn to shoot you opened up some healthy dialogue that can go a long way in rekindling a marriage. If nothing else, your wife got to share feeling she may have been hinting at for years. Actually hearing and listening to your mate goes a long way in truly understanding who they are and what they need to be happy. Listening to what your spouse really says is probably the best way to keep a happy home. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
JTHunter
Member
Trent - that "plan" sounds like a good one. For you wife's sake, I hope she enjoys herself!
When my mother (a tomboy) was a child, her dad tried to get her to learn to shoot, to no avail. But, because of her smaller fingers, he had her help clean the pistol as she could get in the tight areas better. Unfortunately, this left her with a pronounced dislike for the smell of Hoppe's #9 (or whatever).
Fast forward to ~10 years ago. She's in her early 70's and realizes that her husband isn't going to be of any help and she asks my help to learn. I started her with a Ruger Single Six in .22LR/Mag. She did pretty good shooting at a spinner target I have as well as an old fire alarm bell (dome-type) so we tried her with my .380. Not so good, esp. when we find she can't rack the slide, so we start shopping in ernest.
We ended up getting her an SP101 in .38 Spec. and she does fairly well with it. I also came across a Marlin Mod. 60/Glenfield (?) and she has done quite well with it. She likes to shoot it at the "stinkpot" turtles and muskrats around her small lake and has even gotten a snake that was swimming by - this from a second story deck!
So, give her a chance! Start small and let her take it at her pace.
Good luck!
When my mother (a tomboy) was a child, her dad tried to get her to learn to shoot, to no avail. But, because of her smaller fingers, he had her help clean the pistol as she could get in the tight areas better. Unfortunately, this left her with a pronounced dislike for the smell of Hoppe's #9 (or whatever).
Fast forward to ~10 years ago. She's in her early 70's and realizes that her husband isn't going to be of any help and she asks my help to learn. I started her with a Ruger Single Six in .22LR/Mag. She did pretty good shooting at a spinner target I have as well as an old fire alarm bell (dome-type) so we tried her with my .380. Not so good, esp. when we find she can't rack the slide, so we start shopping in ernest.
We ended up getting her an SP101 in .38 Spec. and she does fairly well with it. I also came across a Marlin Mod. 60/Glenfield (?) and she has done quite well with it. She likes to shoot it at the "stinkpot" turtles and muskrats around her small lake and has even gotten a snake that was swimming by - this from a second story deck!
So, give her a chance! Start small and let her take it at her pace.
Good luck!
Trent, I'm not sure if this will be helpful or not, but have you considered downsizing your hobby some, and spending some of that money/equipment/time on, and with your wife?
I don't think your wife has a problem with guns, so much as your marriage is being stressed by everything going on in your lives... (It sounds like you both recognize that.)
If you really are that busy, why not hang up the crossbow, and forget about bagging a deer this year. Sell off a gun or two, and use some of that to get your wife some flowers and a day at the spa. The next gun you should purchase (after some time...) should be the one of her choosing, and so on. Your wife needs to see that you she is more important than your hobbies. Your kids need to see you make that commitment to her as well. It definitely sounds like some sacrifices need to be made, for your wife, and your family. You, your wife, and your children will all be better for it.
I'm not trying to pick on you, as it seems you have been willing to admit some of this yourself. I wish the best for you, your wife, and your family as a whole.
I don't think your wife has a problem with guns, so much as your marriage is being stressed by everything going on in your lives... (It sounds like you both recognize that.)
If you really are that busy, why not hang up the crossbow, and forget about bagging a deer this year. Sell off a gun or two, and use some of that to get your wife some flowers and a day at the spa. The next gun you should purchase (after some time...) should be the one of her choosing, and so on. Your wife needs to see that you she is more important than your hobbies. Your kids need to see you make that commitment to her as well. It definitely sounds like some sacrifices need to be made, for your wife, and your family. You, your wife, and your children will all be better for it.
I'm not trying to pick on you, as it seems you have been willing to admit some of this yourself. I wish the best for you, your wife, and your family as a whole.
I have learned very little about women and their thought process in my 59 years, but I have learned a few things.
1. When a woman wants you to do something, she'll convince you it was your idea to start with.
2. In a battle of wits, we men are under-armed.
3. Never try to count coup with a woman.They may let you win a skirmish but you will loose the war.
4. Never horse trade with a woman. She's too slick.
5. Remember the magic words: "Yes Dear" "Certainly Dear" "Right away,Dear" "Whatever you say,Dear" "Of course you were right,Dear"
Generally but not specifically gun related.Admins, please delete if inappropriate.
1. When a woman wants you to do something, she'll convince you it was your idea to start with.
2. In a battle of wits, we men are under-armed.
3. Never try to count coup with a woman.They may let you win a skirmish but you will loose the war.
4. Never horse trade with a woman. She's too slick.
5. Remember the magic words: "Yes Dear" "Certainly Dear" "Right away,Dear" "Whatever you say,Dear" "Of course you were right,Dear"
Generally but not specifically gun related.Admins, please delete if inappropriate.
I'm sure you'd give the same excuse if she tried to teach you all of her knitting needle and stitch types, LOL.
So much passive-agressive and manipulative behavior goin on in this relationship...amazing.
Hso's advice was to the point and spot on in post #50...don't go off pouting and proove his comments about you acting like a kid correct. Re-read what he wrote and adjust yourself accordingly.
She sounds like an excuse machine...my wife can be the same way about things, it frustrates me to no end. Just back off and enjoy your "me" time.
So much passive-agressive and manipulative behavior goin on in this relationship...amazing.
Hso's advice was to the point and spot on in post #50...don't go off pouting and proove his comments about you acting like a kid correct. Re-read what he wrote and adjust yourself accordingly.
She sounds like an excuse machine...my wife can be the same way about things, it frustrates me to no end. Just back off and enjoy your "me" time.
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Haha no, definitely not. I was working with my son after a range trip on his shooting stance a little, when my wife chimed up "I can't hit the broad side of a barn with a handgun."
So I tried working with her (indoors, without a gun) on the same triangle posture I was working with my son on, and she couldn't bend forward slightly at the waist with her arms extended, even with her knees bent. She got really upset.
I've tried to isolate my wife from gun maintenance stuff as much as possible. I keep a folding table in the garage that I set up for cleaning rifles. That way it's out of the house / out of sight, and it makes it a little easier to do certain things. Like clean the MG42 or PKM after shooting corrosive ammo. I can leave them disassembled for a few days so I can check it over each day for surface rust spots forming, and re-clean if necessary.
I used to do it all at the kitchen table, but starting earlier this year that changed.
The biggest stress we have is a tie between our 5 kids, and my mentally disabled sister. Following my mother / step-father's divorce a few years back, the guardian ad litem approached me and indicated the state was not viewing either of them as favorable custodians. No one else in my family was in a position to take on the responsibility, so the state approached me and asked if I'd be willing to serve as a guardian. My mother and step father didn't even bother showing up for the hearing and I was awarded guardian of my sister's estate and person.
We've been taking care of my sister now for close to three years. We got her placed at a local government outfit that does contractual janitorial service for local companies; she's held down the job now for over two years and is being considered for a staff position (permanent employ). Teaching her how to do shopping, how to budget money, how to make good decisions, and so on; in a year or two we'll probably get her an apartment of her own.
The gun hobby causes a lot less stress than other stuff. I didn't even go shooting in 2010, only went to the range 5 times in 2011. This year saw some changes; I downsized my collection from 120+ firearms (peak of my collection when I closed the gun shop down); now I'm down to 86.
Looking back, I think what ruined guns for my wife was when I had my FFL. I'd work all day at my day job then go work the gun shop at night. Before I had my FFL she went shooting with me. After 2006, I can't remember her EVER going shooting with me.
To be honest, the FFL pretty much ruined guns for ME for awhile too. I got so sick of lugging ammo and guns around to gun shows, etc. I was so busy between the two jobs I didn't have ANY free time.
So when we moved out in the country I gave it up. Haven't regretted that decision.
buckhorn_cortez
Member
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2010
- Messages
- 532
My wife and I have been shooting together for nearly 30 years. She would accompany me to shoot because I liked to do it and she wanted to be with me.
The best thing I ever did was encourage her to take a pistol class for ladies only through our local gun club. If you can find that kind of a class, I would suggest encouraging your wife to take it.
My wife really liked it because there were no men in the class and so there was no macho ego competition between the attendees - something my wife commented on after taking the class. She came away from the class believing she could handle a gun, load it, and shoot without anyone helping her.
She's now so involved with shooting that she's a regular at the action pistol competitions at the local gun club, and is checking out a night competition at the local indoor range.
I go with her to watch her shoot, reload for her, and help her analyze the stages. I don't shoot because I want this to be her activity and I don't want to be in competition with her in anyway. This is her "thing" and I just fully support her.
The bonus for me is that she never asks about me buying a gun, ammunition, or going shooting; and will often call me and ask if I can meet her at the range. I can leave a gun cleaning box on the kitchen table for weeks and range bags in living room with no complaints.
When she starts moving the gun cleaning box around...I just say, "About time I looked at your XDm and get it all ready for Saturday." That usually stops her and she forgets about it for another 4-5 weeks...
The best thing I ever did was encourage her to take a pistol class for ladies only through our local gun club. If you can find that kind of a class, I would suggest encouraging your wife to take it.
My wife really liked it because there were no men in the class and so there was no macho ego competition between the attendees - something my wife commented on after taking the class. She came away from the class believing she could handle a gun, load it, and shoot without anyone helping her.
She's now so involved with shooting that she's a regular at the action pistol competitions at the local gun club, and is checking out a night competition at the local indoor range.
I go with her to watch her shoot, reload for her, and help her analyze the stages. I don't shoot because I want this to be her activity and I don't want to be in competition with her in anyway. This is her "thing" and I just fully support her.
The bonus for me is that she never asks about me buying a gun, ammunition, or going shooting; and will often call me and ask if I can meet her at the range. I can leave a gun cleaning box on the kitchen table for weeks and range bags in living room with no complaints.
When she starts moving the gun cleaning box around...I just say, "About time I looked at your XDm and get it all ready for Saturday." That usually stops her and she forgets about it for another 4-5 weeks...
OilyPablo
Member
Some good advice in this thread.
My wife is nearly the same, but only because she hasn't taken the time. She does know the difference between a .22LR and .45ACP, for example. She's interested when I mention all the Microsoft girls at the local indoor range.
That said, something struck me as odd when reading the OP:
I've heard this more than once at a Gun store!! No I didn't jump in and mention the .45GAP!
My wife is nearly the same, but only because she hasn't taken the time. She does know the difference between a .22LR and .45ACP, for example. She's interested when I mention all the Microsoft girls at the local indoor range.
That said, something struck me as odd when reading the OP:
I've heard this more than once at a Gun store!! No I didn't jump in and mention the .45GAP!
wodaddy
Member
My wife has shown no interest, so I don't bother. I have no interest in attending some of her hobbies either. But if either of us want to talk to each other about our experiences, we listen. Simple as that. I don't do shopping at malls, and she doesn't come to the range. I understand your fears when you travel, why not an alarm system and a dog or two.
Sam1911
Moderator Emeritus
About 11 years ago my wife was all set to come out and shoot a PPC league with me and I figured she'd really learn her way around handguns.
Then within about a month she discovered she was pregnant with our first and has been either pregnant or nursing since then. So no lead, noise, and range time for her. She's pretty supportive of my activities, and of the kids getting into shooting, and she'll probably pick it back up again whenever she's done with the (very) young'uns. But it's been a long wait.
Then within about a month she discovered she was pregnant with our first and has been either pregnant or nursing since then. So no lead, noise, and range time for her. She's pretty supportive of my activities, and of the kids getting into shooting, and she'll probably pick it back up again whenever she's done with the (very) young'uns. But it's been a long wait.
Reloadron
Contributing Member
My wife is not a gun person, never was and never will be. She owned and operated a brick and mortar gun shop with me for 10 years. She does own a small Walther PPK and is proficient with it but does not go to the range every time I do. Maybe a few times a year at best. If I am away her gun sits on her night stand but when I am home she relies on whatever is on my might stand. She understands the basics but has no real desire to become an avid shooter and that is fine with me. She demonstrates the abilities to become a very good shooter but again has no interest. I am not about to push her towards what I happen to love.
If Lucifer Sam's suggestion can be made to work for you that is fine but keep in mind you can take a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Not everyone enjoys the shooting sports like many of us do and I figure to each their own.
Just My Take
Ron
If Lucifer Sam's suggestion can be made to work for you that is fine but keep in mind you can take a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Not everyone enjoys the shooting sports like many of us do and I figure to each their own.
Just My Take
Ron
Esoxchaser
Member
My wife was always a good shot, but not all that interested in spending much time at the range beyond keeping sharp with her EDC. Then we put a Bushnell trophy on top of a Ruger mark III Hunter. She has a ball with that gun, running the targets to the back of the range and dumping mags into a 6" target at 25 yards. Then moving it up to 15 yards and seeing how big a hole she can make in another target. She will keep it up till my thumb is raw from keeping her in loaded mags.
My wife never showed any interest in my guns. I got rid of all of them a few years ago to help pay off some bills but have re-purchased a wider variety now. I began concealed carry in 2009. She did not know until about 3 months ago. I did take her out to shoot about a year ago and she did quite well and have taken her a few times since. Recently she has taken a greater interest. We even watched a gun show on self defense tonight. She had some great questions and I did not even realize she was paying attention.
Now she has made the decision to have a handgun available for her when I am gone. I set up a safe she has specific access to with coded keys. I put 2 white dots on the safe and on the key that opens it. Inside she has an SR9C with a Crimson Trace and 2 magazines. It is even in a bedside type container that she can lock up if she desires. Now she wants to learn how to use all my guns. I like that idea. I would love to get her comfortable. Now to convince her to get her CHL. We even had the deadly force talk tonight. She actually agrees with my point of view there.
Now she has made the decision to have a handgun available for her when I am gone. I set up a safe she has specific access to with coded keys. I put 2 white dots on the safe and on the key that opens it. Inside she has an SR9C with a Crimson Trace and 2 magazines. It is even in a bedside type container that she can lock up if she desires. Now she wants to learn how to use all my guns. I like that idea. I would love to get her comfortable. Now to convince her to get her CHL. We even had the deadly force talk tonight. She actually agrees with my point of view there.
Tried something new, I haven't ever done before. I laid out the 15 handguns I own on the couch tonight. Checked/cleared them where necessary, then handed them to her one by one without saying anything that might influence her judgment.
Of the 15 she found three that "fit her" comfortably. Her favorite was the Sig Sauer P6. Next favorite was the Taurus PT-92. Third favorite was a Smith & Wesson M&P 9. It's interesting that she picked all 9mm's. Rejected the P95 and all the 45's; thicker grips must not have felt right. Which is fine, with her little wrists a 45 wouldn't be a good first pick.
Of the 15 she found three that "fit her" comfortably. Her favorite was the Sig Sauer P6. Next favorite was the Taurus PT-92. Third favorite was a Smith & Wesson M&P 9. It's interesting that she picked all 9mm's. Rejected the P95 and all the 45's; thicker grips must not have felt right. Which is fine, with her little wrists a 45 wouldn't be a good first pick.
RetiredUSNChief
Member
I'm a little late in coming to this string, so if it seems I've not "waited my two minutes" I appologize.
Trent, have you considered that you may be attempting to fix a problem which doesn't exist? As at lease one other member as pointed out, she simply may not be all that interested in guns and your hobbies with them.
Couple a lack of personal interest with a full load of household work day in and day out and she's even less likely to be interested.
Add to that any perceived issues with the mess involved with it and the usual marital issues like the work/play differences between you and her, and her interest drops even more.
There are lots of ways to approach this...and so much is dependent on issues we don't have any clue about between the two of you.
However, instead of tackling this in the preferred male way (which is the head-on, "get-er-done", direct approach) you might try more subtle, indirect methods (which is the preferred female way).
- Don't make it a big issue...or any issue at all.
- Knowing your wife's OCD tendencies, be neat and meticulous about your hobby.
- Don't offer "trades" for this. They're nice, at times...but sometimes it comes across as "What do I need to do to get YOU to do what I want you to do?" (Female translation: "It's still all about him.")
- Simply make the time to do some things around the house in order to help her. And make a REAL effort to do it to her standards, or better. Not one-time-events, either...routine events. Doesn't have to be big, either. But in her world, it would be really noticable if suddenly she notices that she no longer has to deal with one thing or another simply because it gets done right without her having to do it.
- Help each other coordinate getting things done so that you can do things together. And those "things" shouldn't be focused exclusively on your gun hobbies. ANYTHING together that doesn't involve work, or the perception of work, to her.
There is no guarantee that this will eventually lead to her taking up an interest in your gun hobby. After all, if she's not really interested in it in the first place, it won't be natural for her to do so.
Don't expect "fast" results with this. But if the environment changes, then the possibility will increase that she may eventually get involved...of her own volition. Doing things "together" is important to her. But not everything needs to be done together.
Good luck, whatever happens down the road.
Trent, have you considered that you may be attempting to fix a problem which doesn't exist? As at lease one other member as pointed out, she simply may not be all that interested in guns and your hobbies with them.
Couple a lack of personal interest with a full load of household work day in and day out and she's even less likely to be interested.
Add to that any perceived issues with the mess involved with it and the usual marital issues like the work/play differences between you and her, and her interest drops even more.
There are lots of ways to approach this...and so much is dependent on issues we don't have any clue about between the two of you.
However, instead of tackling this in the preferred male way (which is the head-on, "get-er-done", direct approach) you might try more subtle, indirect methods (which is the preferred female way).
- Don't make it a big issue...or any issue at all.
- Knowing your wife's OCD tendencies, be neat and meticulous about your hobby.
- Don't offer "trades" for this. They're nice, at times...but sometimes it comes across as "What do I need to do to get YOU to do what I want you to do?" (Female translation: "It's still all about him.")
- Simply make the time to do some things around the house in order to help her. And make a REAL effort to do it to her standards, or better. Not one-time-events, either...routine events. Doesn't have to be big, either. But in her world, it would be really noticable if suddenly she notices that she no longer has to deal with one thing or another simply because it gets done right without her having to do it.
- Help each other coordinate getting things done so that you can do things together. And those "things" shouldn't be focused exclusively on your gun hobbies. ANYTHING together that doesn't involve work, or the perception of work, to her.
There is no guarantee that this will eventually lead to her taking up an interest in your gun hobby. After all, if she's not really interested in it in the first place, it won't be natural for her to do so.
Don't expect "fast" results with this. But if the environment changes, then the possibility will increase that she may eventually get involved...of her own volition. Doing things "together" is important to her. But not everything needs to be done together.
Good luck, whatever happens down the road.
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