My son turned my carry gun on himself

[Open Carry]

More than a week ago, my 19 year old son took my 9mm carry gun out in the middle of the night and turned it on himself. He never gave any sign that he was suicidal until he and my handgun turned up missing in the morning. He took a short walk into the desert and was not found for three days. I taught him firearm safety and we shot recreationally together. I never imagined that he could do such a thing.

Amazingly, my wife has not blamed the availability of guns one bit. I was hesitant to bring up the subject, until she asked me if I was going to ask for my pistol back. I really did not know what to say. We both agree that the problem was in his mind and not the handgun. My enthusiasm for firearms has soured a bit, and I have so been looking forward to September.

I suppose that my message to you is that it really is possible to think of firearms as just tools and nothing more. If I had never had even one, my son would have just found another way to carry out his deed. I think that he made the wrong choice, but it was his choice.

 

[Warren]

My wife and I send our deepest condolences.

 

[Warbow]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[abdrdude]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family in this time of loss.

 

[Stand_Watie]

Add me to what I know will be a long list of people praying for you.

I know it is no consolation whatsoever, but I certainly agree with you that he would have done it another way absent a gun.

 

[mattf7184]

My prays are with you and your wife. My condolences.

 

[Tharg]

OMG - i can't imagine what it would be like to lose one's own flesh and blood... i don't have any. Chose that route - but i see it in my dad's eyes when he looks at me... that it IS something special. Just too jaded to have my own...

point being that even in that deep mire of emotional stress you are mindful of the circumstances... and i commend you.

I had a friend that lost his kid to a true accident... not a suicide... he was a mess... and i don't blame him, to be honest.. i REALLY wouldn't blame you for being a mess....

My (close - lived in the same duplex) cousin commited suicide when i was all of 11.... i'll never forget it - it wasn't w/ a gun - you are right - they will find thier own way if they choose to do it.

I can only offer my sympathies - and from an unknown i don't know that it means much - but they are there. I'm not a deeply religious man - but i find it a hard sell to think God doesn't forgive even those transgressions, and your son is in a better place where he doesn't need to feel like he did when he made that choice. I've been in the position where i was making that choice... and chose different. I'm sorry he didn't see different than he did

If it helps --- i've heard from close sources that you never know what true depression is until you experience it... I didn't believe them. I was there making that choice once since then tho. And i'd have to agree. Its not that you "feel bad" its that you "feel nothing" ... a very scary place to be if you even felt scared... It takes a massive force of will to get out of the deep depressions and i'd like to think i understand that. The minor one's ya see creep up on ya and adjust... its the massive one's that suck - no mater how they come about - brain problems, whithdrawl, or whatever... Its a rough road....I'm so very sorry your son lost feeling. When you feel nothing - its like no one cares... there is no point... being isn't being. The rational go - its a wimps way out - think of all the hurt you leave behind... but a truely depressed person isn't feeling anything anymore. You have to feel remorse about how someone else would feel to understand that "logic" of what would dad feel like if i did this... or mom ... or anyone... when you don't feel you don't FEEL - so it doesn't register. I guess my advice is to not blame yourself about what you did wrong. When you don't feel its not about wrong or right or what someone did to ya or whatever... its truely about the fact that you don't feel a dang thing to even interject any logical feeling into it.

Take care and best wishes

J/Tharg!

 

[cslinger]

Dear God,

I wish I could offer more than prayers but I cannot.

I will pray for all of you. It seems so meaningless and usless but it is all I can offer.

Please accept my sympathy. I wish I could do more.

 

[hso]

My deepest sympathy for you and your wife.

I can tell you that you are absolutely correct in realizing that your son would have found a way to do this regardless. I had a good friend do the same with a shotgun he bought while one of my wife's tech's son used a rope. Not having the shotgun or rope available would not have prevented their deaths as they would have found the means.

Again, my deepest sympathy.

 

[Jim March]

Oh man.

I am so, so sorry.

Is it possible that plain biological (medical, that is) depression hit, and he didn't know how to handle it?

 

[Rabbi]

O.C.,

My deepest sympathies to you and your wife in your time of loss. The loss of one's child has to be the worst pain a parent can imagine.

I pray the Lord gives you strength and peace and hastens your healing.

Rabbi

 

[Open Carry]

Thank you all for your kind words. I know it will take time to heal and I will never understand the circumstances that caused my son to choose his path. Suffice it to say that he had previous personal knowledge of someone who sought hospitalization for depression and also a close relative whose brother committed suicide. I'm sure he had no clue of the rippling effect of pain and anguish that would ensue. We are still dealing with the aftermath, but his mother and I will go on.

I will be away from my computer for a while, so forgive me if I don't respond to any messages until I return.

 

[MAURICE]

I can say nothing that will lessen your suffering, but I will keep you, your wife, and your son in my prayers.

 

[1911Tuner]

God Bless

I don't have the words...

May God bless and keep you in your time of grief and loss.

 

[citizen]

No words; just my prayers for you both. May God help you in recovery.

 

[JoeRapture]

You are in our prayers and thoughts.

 

[Black Majik]

wow...

absolutely disheartening to hear.

You have my condolences, best wishes and prayers to you and your family.

Good luck through everything.

 

[Ed Straker]

I'm really sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry for what I'm about to say:
Your title for this thread concerns me. Yes, you say your son would have found another way. And your enthusiasm for firearms has soured a bit. Sounds like you're blaming yourself. You better not! Also sounds like you're blaming the inanimate object, the tool. You better not!
I'm sorry to be a hardass, but let me give you a little background. I don't say stuff like this often, especially in public, but it fits here:
I've suffered from mental ilness for many years. I know firsthand that all the 'warning signs' are crap. There's no way you could have known. NO way.
Having said that, I made a promise to myself that I would never become a statistic for anyone's propaganda. Meaning I would never shoot myself. I've lived on the verge of suicide for many years. The main reason I haven't acted is in the above paragraph, plus with major depression one doesn't have the energy.
People who blame Prozac, Zoloft, etc, for their famiy member's suicide don't understand that's why it happens. The meds allow the person to have the energy they had before, and suicide is how they choose to spend that energy.
Sorry for the rant/admonition/ramble, whatever. But this is something that hits home.

 

[IRONFIST]

My condolences to you and yours during what must be the hardest time of your lives. Please be aware that there are many people here who support you and even some who have gone thru the same experience and who will understand the emotions raging thru you and your wife. I hope that your son can rest easy now and whatever the pain and burden was that drove him to do this act, has now disappeared like a gray cloud hit with the sun. Remember him with love and turn to the good people in your life when you need a shoulder to cry on. Again, my condolences to you.

 

[jamz]

Thinking of you guys.....

 

[Freedomv]

Words cannot convey my feelings for you and your familly,what a terrible tragedy. My deepest sympaty,and prayers to you and familly.

Please don't blame yourself and try to understand that there are things that you cannot understand.

You are very wise to open this dialog with us (THR). Talk to us when you need to. there will allways be some one here.

Vern

 

[Preacherman]

I know that there are no words that will comfort you at such a time. I can only assure you from the depths of my own heart that I do understand: that I've "been there, done that" with many families: and that the heartbreak is something that will work its way out in your life, and your wife's life, over a long, long time to come.

All I can say is: Stand tall, and face life together!

There will be times when you (or she, or both of you together) feel crushed and broken, as if you can't go on. That's why you have each other: when one doesn't have the strength, he/she can draw on the other, and when neither have the strength, at least you can kneel together rather than sprawl alone.

There will be times when well-meaning but ill-advised folk, whom you might otherwise like and respect, will say the most crashingly ignorant and hurtful things, oblivious to what they've said or how it's affected you - and instead of screaming at them, you have to go on, ushering them out of your presence and not letting them bring you to the point of collapse. They can never, and will never (please God) understand what you're going through. Excuse them in their ignorance, and walk on.

In all of the sadness, don't forget to remember the joy. There will, I'm sure, have been times of joy in your lives with your son. When the tragedy and sadness get too heavy, let them be counterbalanced by the joy and satisfaction you found in one another. The latter are as real as the former, and neither can be taken away from you. "For better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; etc." You now have that relationship in full with your son.

I have no idea of your religious beliefs, if any, and I won't presume that you share mine. However, I would like to offer you this comfort: at the end of the darkness comes the light. Your son now experiences this in a way that no living human can understand or explain to us. Your own darkness will lift in time, and light will come back. When things are very dark, and you can't believe that you can endure another minute of the darkness, remember that the light is there, and will return. May God give you the love and strength you need, in whatever way you know the Supreme Being.

Finally, please feel free to PM or e-mail me if you would like to make contact. I've been able to help many on this board, and previously on TFL, and am at your service if you would like to talk about anything.

God bless and keep you, your wife, and your son - forever family.

 

[0luke1]

I'm sorry.

Please get counselling. Nobody can handle this on their own.

What Tharg said about depression is very important. There's nothing wrong with getting help if you need it - your brain can be hurt or damaged just the same as your elbow.

 

[hksw]

I am truly sorry for your loss. My condolences.

 

[MP5]

I'm so sorry for your loss; please accept my condolences. If it's any small consolation, you're right about the gun just being a tool. I had a classmate who took his life and knew another person who tried to. Neither incident involved firearms. Determined people will find a way.

As others have suggested, please don't try to carry this burden by yourself. Seek comfort from clergy, counselors, and close friends. We weren't meant to bear such things alone.