please help

[shattered00]

I know a female who has been the victim of abuse (physical battery). The guy broke up with her (yes, I know it should have been the other way around), but he had made a threat about killing her while they had been together.

Not that it really matters what type of firearm it is with, but he has an SKS. He has a really bad temper and flies off the handle at the smallest of things. My point is that he has a potentially easy means and mindset to do it. He is an ex-felon but in TX you are allowed to have a firearm after 5 years from the date of your release from jail/probation.

He calls her incessantly asking that they get back together. She keeps refusing to, however, she doesn't simply tell him to leave her alone for fear of the repercussions that could ensue.

He used to live with her (for 2 years), so he knows the entire layout of her apartment and where to find her. Even if she moved, I am sure he would be able to find out through mutual friends as to where her new residence was.

Some positive news is that she does have her CHL and is about to finish the police academy in 5 weeks.

I know this is a long stretch to fit into "Strategies and Tactics," but I would be much obliged if this thread wasn't closed. If there is a better location to post it in, then please move it and accept my apology. Yes, I could post on some other forum that relates more to this, but I value the opinions of many of the members on THR. I also trust that much of the advice will be worthy of being related to this person whom the thread is about.

So to my question; as far as strategies and tactics are concerned, what can this person do to minimize her chances of being a victim aside from the keyboard commandos suggestion of being vigilante 24/7 (which IMHO negates what joy there is from being alive in the first place).

 

[sm]

-Contact Local LEO ASAP.
-File Restraining order
-Leave her current residence if can. If this means getting LEO , or anyone in Legal to assist with getting her documents to present to Landlord to break lease early under "extreme circumstance" clause [however worded] do it.

She needs to get out, go elsewhere, not tell HIM for sure. She needs a sit down with Co-Dependency explained to her and how denial will get her hurt or worse.

Restraining order is not going to do anything in and of itself. It does give some weight in the event something does occur .

These kind of situations are dangerous for not only the parties involved, also anyone they shared as friends, and LEO having to deal with all this.

 

[Old Fuff]

He is an ex-felon but in TX you are allowed to have a firearm after 5 years from the date of your release from jail/probation.

I have no idea what the Texas statutes may say, but they don't trump the Federal one that says that a previously convicted felon cannot posess firearms or ammunition, and one who is can get up to 5 years in Uncle Sam's pen. If he (1) has guns, and (2) it threatning someone they will likely throw the book at him. She can get help.

 

[ZeSpectre]

She needs to move... right now.

While she's waiting for the bus or whatever, buy and read Gavin DeBecker's "the gift of fear".

 

[High Planes Drifter]

I'm not sure she CAN get a restraining order on him at his point if he's only calling her asking to get back together -remember she hasnt informed him to stop calling. If he hasnt made a threat, she hasnt told him to stop attempts to communicate, and he hasnt asaulted her in the past , where there is a record of violence, then there would be no reason for a judge to issue a bond on him. She has to make it clear she does not want to communicate. Then take advantege of that CCW, get a restraining order, I suggest move, only allow people who she trusts(not community friends) know where she moved to, and get help/advise from a specialist organization farmiliar with these things.

Edited, I overlooked the part where he made a threat. I advise she make an attempt at a restraining order with this. Then proceed to get help from a profesional organization that deals with victims of domestic violence if she thinks it that serious.

 

[pax]

Get her a copy of Lyn Bates' book, Safety for Stalking Victims.

pax

 

[XavierBreath]

Fuff,

I thought that sounded weird too, so I looked it up.

Texas Penal Code Sec. 46.04. Unlawful Possession of Firearm.

(a) A person who has been convicted of a felony commits an offense if he possesses a firearm:
(1) after conviction and before the fifth anniversary of the person's release from confinement following conviction of the felony or the person's release from supervision under community supervision, parole, or mandatory supervision, whichever date is later; or
(2) after the period described by Subdivision (1), at any location other than the premises at which the person lives.
(b) A person who has been convicted of an offense under Section 22.01, punishable as a Class A misdemeanor and involving a member of the person's family or household, commits an offense if the person possesses a firearm before the fifth anniversary of the later of:
(1) the date of the person's release from confinement following conviction of the misdemeanor; or
(2) the date of the person's release from community supervision following conviction of the misdemeanor.
(c) A person, other than a peace officer, as defined by Section 1.07, actively engaged in employment as a sworn, full-time paid employee of a state agency or political subdivision, who is subject to an order issued under Section 6.504 or Chapter 85, Family Code, under Article 17.292 or Chapter 7A, Code of Criminal Procedure, or by another jurisdiction as provided by Chapter 88, Family Code, commits an offense if the person possesses a firearm after receiving notice of the order and before expiration of the order.
(d) In this section, "family," "household," and "member of a household" have the meanings assigned by Chapter 71, Family Code.
(e) An offense under Subsection (a) is a felony of the third degree. An offense under Subsection (b) or (c) is a Class A misdemeanor.
Acts 1973, 63rd Leg., p. 883, ch. 399, Sec. 1, eff. Jan. 1, 1974. Renumbered from V.T.C.A., Penal Code Sec. 46.05 and amended by Acts 1993, 73rd Leg., ch. 900, Sec. 1.01, eff. Sept. 1, 1994. Amended by Acts 2001, 77th Leg., ch. 23, Sec. 2, eff. Sept. 1, 2001; Acts 2003, 78th Leg., ch. 836, Sec. 4, eff. Sept. 1, 2003.

I will leave it to the courts to decide whether the Texas law conflicts with federal law.

 

[Zundfolge]

aside from the keyboard commandos suggestion of being vigilante 24/7

Unfortunately whether you like it or not, this is the best advice.

One can be vigilant 24/7 and still have plenty of joy in their life ... Joy doesn't require one to be in "condition white" or pretend there are not bad people in the world.

Fact is, even if she never met this guy, vigilance is still the best way to stay safe (armed or not).


Edit: I just noticed that you spelled it vigilante ... did you mean "being a vigilante" (and hunting this guy down)? Or did you mean being "vigilant" (keeping one's eyes open and being careful)?

I agree that "being a vigilante" and hunting this guy down would be a bad idea

 

[favorite .22]

hire the A- team....
.

 

[cassandrasdaddy]

police academy

shes about to become a cop and she needs someone else to rescue her?
She needs to be asking for your help or its time to put away the armor and stable the white horse.

 

[Glockfan.45]

shes about to become a cop and she needs someone else to rescue her?

Yes I am having trouble with this as well . If she cant handle this problem then law enforcement does not sound like the best career path for her (as well as those she will be sworn to protect).

 

[XavierBreath]

Let's offer viable suggestions, not judgement.

 

[BullfrogKen]

Glockfan.45 said: If she cant handle this problem then law enforcement does not sound like the best career path for her

Its an unusual occurance in anyone's life to confront such things.

Conversely, she will likely find a way through some trials and tribulations to solve this problem, and will grow from it. Afterwards, her personal experiences will make her better equipped to help those she comes into contact with on the job.

We must all find our own ways to solve problems. Its part of the education process. She'll reach out, learn from others, and grow from the process. I'd steer her towards those in her community committed to helping women like her for help.

 

[highlander 5]

Too bad she doesn't live in Ma they hand out RO like toilet paper. I agree get the courts and the police involved and maybe call the BATFE on this FELON in possession of a firearm. Move if possible
get an unlisted phone number or maybe get a disposable phone
and tell NO ONE the number unless its absolutely nessesary.

 

[shattered00]

Sorry for the misspelling; I meant vigilant.

She is going to make a great cop. The fact that she was beat by a guy and she didn't report it has very little to do with her ability to be a cop. In fact, for all I know that could be part of the reason she wants to be a cop. I know many people who can deal with others' problems yet have some difficulty when the problem is a personal one. As a cop, nothing is taken personal. A cops peace can't be breached...

She didn't ask for my help or advice. She simply told me the problem, and I could not just sit idly by. I am not donning my white armor to rescue a maiden in distress. I would hope that anyone else in my situation would at least give some effort to try and help whether that help be listening or whatever. I simply want to assist a friend in any way possible. I am sure she is able to deal with this problem, but I just wanted to gather some more information to give her. Knowledge can be power.

Please don't post **** like "hire the A-team." All that does is raise my blood pressure, attempt to turn this into some inane situation, and waste THR's bandwidth. If you have anything pointless to type, please don't type it at all.

 

[cassandrasdaddy]

no good answers

from me about what works. I do have some experience with trying to help and it backfiring on me and/or the person i wanted to help. Thats what made me use the armor reference. Its more in reference to my personality than yours.I have with good intentions done some things that i wish i could take back. having that happen often i have adopted a policy of letting folks know i am there to help if they ask. I then retreat till they ask. What has happened before i did this was that my well intentioned help actually prolonged or made things worse. Folks seem to need to make certain decisions without my help, to finf their own bottom. For myself NOT doing anything to help is more difficult than helping.Plus in any relationship there are 2 sides to the story and i find i have a tendancy to only consider one side, usually the cute girls side, (till my wife made me stop that nonsense).

 

[Spreadfire Arms]

a restraining order in Texas does not allow the police to arrest the violator of the restraining order on sight. this is handled in civil court. so, a restraining order is pretty much worthless in this scenario. if she could demonstrate the need for an emergency protective order then she may be able to get a judge to sign one. however if she did not file any assault reports against him in the past then there is no documentation that prior assaults occurred. that is especially bad since it is considered family violence and assault w/ injury is a Class A misdemeanor (vs. assault by contact being a Class C misdemeanor).

seeing she did not ever file any prior police reports of assault, there is no prior documented history of abuse. further, if she did not file a report about him making any specific threats (terroristic threat - class c misdmeanor) then again there is no documentation.

just because he happens to own an SKS does not mean he is going to kill her with it. owning a rifle and having homicidal tendencies have little to no relation, in the absence of any documented history of violence.

also, just being a graduate of the police academy doesn't make you superman(or superwoman) and doesn't make you qualified to be a police officer. remember this person lacks experience and field training. the only difference between a citizen and a police academy graduate really is a matter of academics.

and for those of you who read the Texas Penal Code:

Texas Penal Code Sec. 46.04. Unlawful Possession of Firearm.

(a) A person who has been convicted of a felony commits an offense if he possesses a firearm:
(1) after conviction and before the fifth anniversary of the person's release from confinement following conviction of the felony or the person's release from supervision under community supervision, parole, or mandatory supervision, whichever date is later; or
(2) after the period described by Subdivision (1), at any location other than the premises at which the person lives.

read subsection (2). UCW by Felon applies if the felon is located with a weapon at any other place besides his place of residence.

so to answer the question of what she should do? well, she should have had him arrested years ago when he first laid hands on her. that would have nipped his behavior in the bud quickly and she would not have to deal with this now. however we can't monday morning quarterback her life.

keep in mind that this relationship did not occur overnight. it occurred over years, and because of this, there is not one panacea to cure all the problems that have accumulated over the past few years. she needs to realize that she needs to break ties for him for good. the problem is, she never has, and probably never will. so she will be both a cop (in her public life) and a professional victim (in her private life).

my advice to her is to:

1. separate all ties with him. that means not only him but all mutual friends that are going to filter him information about her whereabouts, etc.

2. move out of the area. move to a place that has good security, or move in with another cop and get an apartment or something.

3. get rid of her existing car and get a different car. if she can afford it, that is. if he knows what she drives, he probably also has a copy of the car key and maybe even a remote control to unlock her doors.

4. next time he calls she needs to tell him to stop calling and if he does not she needs to file a report for telephone harassment. that will get him arrested so long as she has caller ID. he's probably dumb enough to leave messages too. save all the messages and they can be recorded as evidence.

and as inconvenient as it is, she needs to change her phone numbers. it is a small price to pay to separate ties with him. and, if he somehow gets her new #, it further shows the cops that he is stalking/harassing her and makes it easier to get a warrant out for his arrest.

5. get the local cops that work in his area and her new residence area to be on the lookout for him. if he or his vehicle is seen in her new area then he needs to be stopped and talked to, and if possible, cited or arrested. if he is cited or arrested every time he goes into that particular city or neighborhood he may decide it's not worth it. if he realizes that the cops know he is there every time he shows up in her neighborhood, then he may be persuaded to leave her alone.

imagine him getting a ticket every time he drives within 5 miles of where she moves to (like the other side of town where he has no business being). if he gets 2-3 tickets a month, the price alone of those tickets (or fighting them) out to dissuade him. and if he doesn't pay them, the next time they stop him he can get arrested for having a suspended license. that's a Class B misdemeanor and arrestable.

the cops in his neighborhood can do the same. lean on him and let him understand that he needs to leave her alone. im sure they will do that for a fellow copper.

6. she needs to protect herself, not only with a deadly force option, but also a nonlethal option as well. not every situation is going to justify deadly force. but she surely can justify using pepper spray on him if he approaches her after she yells really loud for him to leave her alone (so witnesses can hear).

7. she may need to find a new boyfriend, or a big mean dog. bottom line is she needs to be vigilant, but also needs to change her lifestyle and circle of friends if she really wants to get away from him.

PM me if you need more advice. if she is in the Austin area i'm sure i can help out.

 

[WESTTX357]

In Texas make sure you get a protective order not a restraining order ...........these are two different animals and a restraining or has no teeth to it in the middel of the night when a confruntation is happening while a protective order dose and gives cops much more to work with . Also have her get intouch with an area battered womens shelter they can help her re-locate get protective order supply her with cell phone and all kinds of other things at there disposal.

 

[vynx]

She should talk to some of the police on the Dept. where she is going to get a job in 5 weeks - if shes in the academy she could talk to an instructer and get some tips

 

[Jeff White]

None of these situations are as cut and dried as they seem at first glance

Be prepared for her to turn on you. That's right, you're trying to help her. But the emotions that this type of situation bring out in people are just crazy.

It's hard for most people to accept the fact that someone they have been involved with is bad for them. They will see the light, take action, then think about it and backslide and even take the person back into their lives.

Be supportive, offer to help, but don't put yourself between them.

I have arrested more people who were subject to an order of protection and then had the protected person invite them back into the house then you would believe.

When she's ready to be done with him, she will be. Until then, nothing you say or do will make her be ready to tell him to go away. Unless you have been privy to all her conversations with her, you don't know what she's telling him. People who are victims of abusive relationships will often tell their friends and family they want out because they know how bad it makes them look to be seen as a victim, but tell the abuser something totally different.

It isn't just women who are this way. That kind of behavior crosses gender lines.

Be there for her, help her with what she asks for. But don't try to be the white knight riding in on your steed to save her from the abuser. It will most likely cost you a friendship and could be dangerous for you.

Jeff

 

[donkee]

If she put up with it before and doesn't tell the guy to back off, she'll either get back with him or with some guy just like him. Seen it all too often........

 

[jeepmor]

Encourage healthier decisions

Your support may be helping her, but is also may be enabling her. Personally, a conversation with any friend I have in this situation would go something like this.

You've been telling me how volatile this guy is for some time now, but you're still leading him on by chatting with him, dating him, or whatever it is you two are doing together. This is not discouraging these actions. Unless you do something to discourage these actions, they won't stop. If you're only strong enough to whine about it, but not do anything about it, you're on your own. I have problems too, but in my experience, whining about them never fixed them, never once. Discussing your problems is fine with me, but we've been having this conversation for a while and you are not doing anything different, you're just whining now. Doing something about it or just shut up, because I'm your friend, but I've heard it and don't want to listen to it any more. You can bring it up again when you have progress, until then, lets talk fishing.

After that, everytime the subject comes up, I give the "are you still whining about that, when are you ever going to get off your butt and do anything about it? I'm really tired of your whining.

I've had these conversations with friends over the years. And to be honest, until you break through the denial, acknowledgement of it even being a real problem will not occur.

jeepmor

 

[sm]

Living Problems have symptoms like any disease. These diseases are no respecter of persons; Gender, Profession, Education Race, Religion or anything else, a disease does not respect or care when or whom it inflicts.

Abusive behavior is a disease.

Just as Doctors, Nurses become addicted to prescription medications or Alcohol - they may be taking education to become a Doctor or Nurse, it does not mean they are immune from the disease of drug and alcohol addiction. Becoming a Doctor or Nurse does not mean they are further immune.

Abusive situations just like doctors and nurses abusing medications and alcohol have an effect on the persons most close to the situation. Enabling. Enabling is something these diseased persons have the ability to spread germs of, and very often the person recipient, is not aware of exposure and they themselves go into denial and other coping behavior to rationalize behaviors.

To parallel again using drug and alcohol abuse, and using the 12 Steps of AA as an outline, the person with the disease [Abused] needs to get the assistance of Professionals, including those those that have "been there" [abused themselves] to assist in recovering.

"Admitting I am powerless over _____" is the First Step in any program of recovery, it does not matter what the "disease" is, as long as one is in Denial, no further improvement can occur.

Now I am going to come flat out and type this. I do not care if you agree or disagree with 12 Step Programs or not. It works if you work it!

Band-aid fixes on drug and alcohol abuse, just like band-aid fixes for Abused, do not, cannot work if one never Accepts a problem exists by admitting there is one.
If one never faces Denial , and gets past Denial - they cannot win this fight. Pure and Simple.

It does not matter if Professional , Rich or Poor,Level of Income , Race, Creed Religion or anything, these diseases have "Stinking Thinking". Those that are family get a different strain of these Diseases, Friends and Acquaintances, that get too close, get a strain of these Diseases.

AA is for the drunk. AlAnon is for the family, friends of the drunk. AlaTeen is for the kids, or younger ones.

Pay attention here, those attending AlAnon and AlTeen are as sick as the one in AA. They too have to get past Denial, and accept they have a disease. Symptoms of these diseases incude Enabling, Denial.

Jeff and others already shared how many times they arrive at a Domestic Violence call, evident a beating has taken place, and as the abuser is put in back of squad car, the Abused turns and starts attacking the Officers to protect the Abuser.

AlAnon./Teen members : They do not attend because _____ has a problem.

They do attend because : "My name is ___ and I am concerned about ______'s drinking/drug use/ gambling/ sex/ abusive behavior, and MY life is unmanageable .

One cannot BullCrap a BullCrapper. Diseased folks excel on BullCrapping themselves and others and win them over to be enabled, used and abused by them.

That is why Clergy , LEO, and other Professionals take training, and constant training to NOT get too close, and how to handle Drunks, Druggies and Abusers and the Abused.

I am dead serious here, any layperson that thinks they can change another that is an abuser, or abused is going to be a victim of the one they are trying to change. Not IF - When.

Parallels those that try to assist another abusing alcohol or prescription medications/ illegal drugs. Professional Doctor, Nurses, get burned bad trying to assist other Doctors and Nurses in abusive situations, battered coworkers, drug and alcohol use.

If the trained and educated Doctors, Nurses, LEOs , Clergy and other Professionals get burned assisting their fellow Professionals...

Do not sit behind the keyboard, as a layperson, that has no experience in this and pass judgment, or give flippant replies. Don't.

You would not appreciate a smart-aleck reply if the victim of abuse were you, or member of your family , or close friend.

The Abuser and Victim call smell Bullcrap a mile away. They can smell it and use it against those that are closest to them, and will. They will do it with trained Professionals they do not know - still Professional assistance is best.

Laypersons need to step back, Let the Professional do their job.
Professionals will themselves debrief each other - it is well advised the untrained layperson get honest with themselves and get help if they have been or are too close.



Yes I know a bit about this, from various perspectives. From seeing the abused to being in on the organ harvest of the victim, and those meaning well to help a victim battered - all sorts of stuff in between.

<steps off soapbox>

 

[ilbob]

Jeff White has it right.

Never get involved in these kind of situations if you can avoid them. Both sides are likely to turn on you.

She has to want to get away from this guy, and she can if she really, really wants to. But many abused women do not want to leave the abuser. They think they can reform them. It rarely if ever works out that way, but they keep trying.

I believe there is a secret side of many women where they like the idea they might have power over some violent thug. But, it just does not work out that way in the real world.

 

[tegemu]

There is most likely an Abused Women's Shelter in her area. I strongly recommend she contact them ASAP. Those folks deal with these situations on a daily basis. Your local Police should be able to put her in contact with the shelter.