Review my paper

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The_Future

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My english teacher said that we had to have papers peer edited. Well I thought why not just you all tear into it.

Gun Control
Gun control, few issues seem to stir up such large amounts of feelings on both sides. I believe that gun control is wrong because gun laws don’t affect crime positively, guns are less dangerous than they seem, and guns are effective tools for self-defense. Some for gun control say it’s for the children, yet more children drown in pools than die from guns, others say it prevents criminals from arming themselves but criminals are not known to follow the law in the first place. Therefore I don’t believe gun control is about safety. Then what is it about? I don’t know.

“80,000 members of Japan’s organized crime have weapon’s… when guns are outlawed only outlaws will have guns”(Francis, 133). Criminals aren’t know for their ability to follow all the laws but the one they plan on breaking. They usually break a lot of them when they commit a crime, you don’t see many car chases within the speed limit do you? This also applies to guns: very few criminals get guns through legal channels, most are stolen are bought illegally. Outlawing guns only removes the law-abiding citizens of their property and means to defend themselves. In fact banning firearms can dramatically increase the crime rate. In Australia province of Victoria all handguns were banned yet after the ban homicides with firearms rose three hundred percent (Francis, 133). In Japan all private ownership of guns is banned yet violent crime is the highest
ever (Francis, 132). I don’t think taking guns away from citizens makes a criminals job any harder, or makes the society any safer.

Then the laws that target something that is popular with law-abiding citizens and rarely used in the commission of a crime. The Assault Weapon Ban of 1994 was just such a law. The Ban outlawed the manufacture of a rifle with a detachable magazine, and two of the following features: a folding of collapsible stock, a pistol grip, bayonet mount, flash suppressor or threaded barrel, and a grenade launcher (Casewell). I have shot rifles with that would be considered “assault weapons” and it did not seem any deadlier than a standard rifle. Also some might think the ban was good for banning the grenade launchers, well the grenades are considered a Destructive Device, and require a person to obtain proper licensing before buying the grenade. All of the previous listed features are only cosmetic and don’t affect the function of the firearm (Casewell). Some people ask why own an “assault weapon” well why do some people own a Corvette? That’s what “assault weapons” are; they are the sport cars of firearms. The car analogy can be continued to “assault weapons” being used in crimes, I haven’t seen many Corvettes used as get way cars, and I haven’t seen many “assault weapons” used in the commission of a crime. Gun laws don’t positively crime rates or even relevant.

Guns seem like they are extremely dangerous to have around but there are many things that are more statically cause more deaths than firearms, twice the number of children 14 and under die for bicycle accidents than firearms and four times that number die from drowning (Rabik, 145). You don’t see campaigns against pools for bicycles as loud or as large as you see them against guns. There is no bill sitting in committee requiring any house with children to have a lock able fence around the pool, but there is one, H.R.1022, to reinstate the Assault Weapon Ban of 1994.

“We don’t train children early in dangerous activities such as driving, why make and acceptation for firearms” (Emerson, 40). From the opposite side we have the NRA saying to expose and teach your children about firearms to remove the child’s curiosity about them (Emerson, 40). I would have to side with the NRA on this, I exposed to driving and an early age and didn’t feel the need to find out more about it. I was also given the chore of mowing the lawn with a riding lawn mower, teaching me some driving skills. This can also be applied to firearms, you teach your children about firearms and you have them shoot a BB gun under your supervision for them to learn the proper way to handle one. Also the NRA has a program that teaches children to not handle firearms without an adult.

The average rate for accidental firearm deaths is 1,500 a year while the accidental death rate for doctors and hospitals is 120,000 (Schlafly, 17). Now consider that there are around 50 million guns owned privately in America. The accident rate isn’t as bad as say accidental deaths involving cars. Another surprising fact: in the 20th century 170 million people were killed by their own government (Cottrol). Most of those were killed after being disarmed, Hitler, and Stalin both used gun control to disarm political opponents and silence them. You can see that there a lot of things more dangerous out there than guns in law-abiding hands.

The last reason I believe gun control is wrong is that guns are affective means of self-defense. Despite what some say guns are effective means of self-defense and they are commonly used for it. The Department of Justice estimates the guns are used defensively anywhere from 750,000 to 3.6 million times a year (Emerson, 11). The percent of these that shots are fired is somewhere around ten percent. Guns are also the most effective means of self-defense. “Women facing violent assault were two and half times more likely to suffer serious injury if they had no firearm compared to those who did” (Rabik, 146). That debunks the idea that if a woman has a firearm and is attacked it will be taken away and used against her, which is simple not true. The idea that shootings are an epidemic in states that allow the carry of a concealed weapon is also false. “Over on million Americans have been licensed to carry firearms” (Cottral). Nor are people who carry concealed weapons legally any more likely to be arrested. Florida since 1987 has had laws stating anyone who meets the requirements must be issued a permit; in fact the arrest rate for those that hold a permit is one in fourteen thousand (Reynolds, 116). Criminals don’t follow the law and enacting laws that keep law-abiding citizens from protecting themselves only serves to makes the criminals life a little safer. “The requirements in most states include a background check, 10 to 15 hours of training with a test over the laws of self-defense, and a test of the applicants accuracy, the test must also be passed every time the permit is renewed” (Reynolds, 116). The states are not allowing anyone to just apply and receive a permit but are making sure that the people who hold these permits actually have some training. This is why I feel guns are effective for self-defense.

Gun Control doesn’t affect crime, demonized an inanimate object, and denies citizens of their right to defend themselves. Politicians will continue to try and pass more gun control laws unless we speak up. If you don’t care either way go out and shoot with a responsible firearm owner and see how much fun it is.
 
Gun Control
Gun control, few issues seem to stir up such large amounts of feelings on both sides. I believe that gun control is wrong because gun laws don’t affect crime positively, guns are less dangerous than they seem, and guns are effective tools for self-defense. Some for gun control say it’s for the children, yet more children drown in pools than die from guns, others say it prevents criminals from arming themselves but criminals are known to follow the law in the first place. Therefore I don’t believe gun control is about safety. Then what is it about? I don’t know.

"...known not to follow..." Just my opinion. ;)

You also might want to not use the word "you" since this is not a personally letter to someone.

But for the subject matter, I think the main thing left out was the 2nd Amendment was about the People being able to keep our government in line if it ever gets out of control.
 
The first thing for you to do is thoroughly read your paper for spelling errors, verb agreement, and verb-tense consistency (like making sure your verbs in a sentence, in a paragraph, etc. are consistently in present-tense, or past-tense, etc). Then, look at sentence structure. When you have an introductory clause, you should typically separate it with a comma from the independent clause; look at this sentence as an example. When you have two independent clauses in one sentence, you should provide either a transition, such as ", and". Alternatively, use a semi-colon after the first independent clause. For the tone of your paper however, simply make two sentences out of it. For what grade level is this essay written?

As far as content, you do a good job citing your sources (make sure you transcribed the quotes accurately). You need to share your assignment with us in order to judge how well your paper address the assignment.
 
Gun Control doesn’t affect crime, demonized an inanimate object, and denies citizens of their right to defend themselves. Politicians will continue to try and pass more gun control laws unless we speak up. If you don’t care either way go out and shoot with a responsible firearm owner and see how much fun it is.

Not to be a wiseguy, but there's something wrong with this paragraph and I think it's in several places.
 
Criminals aren’t know for their ability to follow all the laws but the one they plan on breaking.

How would they follow the laws they plan on breaking?

You might want to give it a couple hours, let yourself have a break, then edit a few things you might catch that you are missing right now.

I don't want to tear your article apart but there is some poor grammar choices and a few words missing that can change the meaning greatly.
 
The last reason I believe gun control is wrong is that guns are affective means of self-defense. Despite what some say guns are effective means of self-defense and they are commonly used for it. The Department of Justice estimates the guns are used defensively anywhere from 750,000 to 3.6 million times a year (Emerson, 11). The percent of these that shots are fired is somewhere around ten percent. Guns are also the most effective means of self-defense. “Women facing violent assault were two and half times more likely to suffer serious injury if they had no firearm compared to those who did” (Rabik, 146).

I think it would read better, "The Department of Justice estimates that guns are used defensively around 750,000 to 3.6 million times a year (Emerson, 11), about ten percent in which a shot will actually be fired."

The next line, "Guns are also the most effective means of self-defense," has already been stated at the beginning of the paragraph....unless it was "...effective means of self-defense for women." But that would be a separate paragraph as it is a new thought.

That debunks the idea that if a woman has a firearm and is attacked it will be taken away and used against her, which is simple not true.
Is it not true or is it debunked? You don't need both in that sentence.
 
Lots of typos you need to correct, so do a good re-reading before you hand it in.

For a peer review though, I'm assuming you want suggestions more than you want someone to go over everything with a bright red pen :) So here are mine:

You spend a good portion of the essay talking about accidental gun deaths by comparing guns to pools, cars and hospitals, but I think you're wasting your time there. It doesn't fly with the anti's--they'll say people need hospitals and cars, and that the only purpose of a gun is to kill or maim.

I'd recommend spending more time going over what the bans actually cover, as a lot of anti's are horribly uneducated on what is and isn't legal in America (you do a good job of touching on this point when you mention the AWB and DD's, but go into more depth.) A lot of anti's seem to think the AWB was the only thing keeping every criminal in the world from walking out of Wal-Mart with a select-fire AK-47 with a silencer. Explain that the only functional difference between most "assault rifles" and most hunting rifles is the way they look. You pull the trigger once, one bullet fires--AWB's aren't mowing down children in playgrounds. (For that matter, neither are machine guns. No machine gun legally owned by a civilian has ever been used in any crime.)

Also, I really like your point about guns only being fired in 10% of their defensive uses--the presence of a gun is already an effective deterrent against crime. I'd use that idea to segue into an exploration of how states that moved from May-Issue to Shall-Issue saw a drop in violent crimes as criminals shied away from crimes involving people and towards property crime. Like you say, criminals are going to commit crimes. The best research I'm aware of on the subject is the Lott study--let me know if you need help finding it.

I'm going to see if I can find an old essay I wrote a few years ago and post it here, you may be able to get some ideas or some references from it. Great work so far.
 
No machine gun legally owned by a civilian has ever been used in any crime

Not true. There are two known cases. One was an off duty LEO who legally owned one, the other was 100% civilian.
But those two are shootings. No one can say that none have ever been used in a crime since there are a lot of unsolved crimes and people don't have to be shot for a crime to have been committed.
 
Not true. There are two known cases. One was an off duty LEO who legally owned one, the other was 100% civilian.
But those two are shootings. No one can say that none have ever been used in a crime since there are a lot of unsolved crimes and people don't have to be shot for a crime to have been committed.

Thanks--I wasn't aware of the second instance, and worded my claim to ignore the first. That said, the anti's lie and manipulate stats, so when I write to support gun control I don't mind carefully selecting quotes and phrasing arguments to put our cause in the best light. I'm sure it wouldn't take long to find a legitimate source that said only one machine gun legally owned by a civillian has ever been used in a crime, and that's all he needs for his argument. (I don't consider police officers, off duty or not, to be civillians.)

And I found that paper, but I don't think it would really be any use to you, Future. It's more analytical than argumentative, but the Lott study is a real winner--lots of juicy quotes and statistics for your paper.
 
review

I agree with many of the posters that grammar needs to be correct, same with spelling.
Layout of the paper needs more force. Start out strong, fill with facts and arguments, finish strong.

Starting strong-- the bill of rights are personal freedoms and the second of these states quite clearly that the right to keep and bare arms shall not be infringed. I can't think of any way to say it better. All gun control is an infringement.

fill with facts-- stick to the facts that add to your arguement ie.

1) less chance than; being struck by lightning, hitting the lottery, killed in a car crash etc.

2) gun control doesn't work; only keeps honest people from having guns, crime rates go up, (use NY, Chicago and other large cities in US) England

3) Assault weapon bans- bans ugly guns, all Fully auto guns are already baned and hasn't deterred any crime. All weapons bans are unlawful under the second amendment.

finish strong -- Talk about our founding fathers, the forming of a new nation and their strong distrust of government including the one they were making.
They believed in the individual freedoms so much that the first thing they added to the Constitution was the Bill of Rights. These rights are personal rights of such importance that they had to be written down so that the government MUST respect and obey these indivdual human rights. Since then each and every one of these rights have been challenged and we have lost portions of some of these rights. Each and every time that restrictions are placed on these Rights we lose some freedom for some sort of security.

give quotes from Jefferson, Madison and Franklin that supports these beliefs.

Good luck and if you can change just one persons mind its all worth it.
 
weapon is singular. I have one gun
weapons is plural. I have three guns
weapon's is singular posessive. Something belongs to this gun (it's scope)

Criminals aren’t know for their ability to follow all the laws but the one they plan on breaking.

huh? They plan on following the law they plan on breaking?

How about something about 'the very definition of criminal is someone who has shown they don't obey the laws, what makes gun laws any different?'

This also applies to guns: very few criminals get guns through legal channels, most are stolen are bought illegally.

change to and/or Also suggest noting in places where there are supposed to be no legal guns to steal, criminals still seem to be able to get them.

In Australia province

needs a the in there

highest ever

Really? Since the beginning of time? be more specific, such as 'since records were kept'

I don’t think taking guns away from citizens makes a criminals job any harder, or makes the society any safer.

Honestly, I don't care what you think, make statements of facts. "Taking guns away from citizens does not make a criminal's job harder, nor does it make society any safer."

this would be a great spot for a comment about how criminals fear armed homeowners more than they do police. To document that google john stossel gun control myth


Then the laws that target something that is popular with law-abiding citizens and rarely used in the commission of a crime.

eliminate then, define something. Follow this up with a stat about what percentage of firearms used in crimes are 'assualt rifles'

I have shot rifles with that would be considered “assault weapons” and it did not seem any deadlier than a standard rifle.

You are not an expert, you should either be pointing things out I know, or bringing in new facts. Example, 'worry about a bayonette, a knife, mounted on a gun?

go over 'features' like pistol grip only having an impact on the controllability of full auto models, which were illegal (close enough for this paper) since the 1930s, so we understand why these features exist in the first place.


well the grenades are considered a Destructive Device, and require a person to obtain proper licensing before buying the grenade.

Never use well unless you are refering to a hole in the ground.


Some people ask why own an “assault weapon” well why do some people own a Corvette? That’s what “assault weapons” are; they are the sport cars of firearms. The car analogy can be continued to “assault weapons” being used in crimes, I haven’t seen many Corvettes used as get way cars, and I haven’t seen many “assault weapons” used in the commission of a crime. Gun laws don’t positively crime rates or even relevant.


I disagree with this tactic. It seems to state that once criminals do start using an item, it is okay to ban it. Instead go with comparing the two, then go with 'no one NEEDs a sportscar, but then no one needs a lot of things we have. That is what freedom is about, the right to have books and religion and a say in government, things that aren't 'needed' the way food, water, and shelter are.
 
Gun Control
Gun control, few issues seem to stir up such large amounts of feelings on both sides. I believe that gun control is wrong because gun laws don’t affect crime positively, guns are less dangerous than they seem, and guns are effective tools for self-defense. Some for gun control say it’s for the children, yet more children drown in pools than die from guns, others say it prevents criminals from arming themselves but criminals are not known to follow the law in the first place. Therefore I don’t believe gun control is about safety. Then what is it about? I don’t know.
"for the children" is a catchphrase.. "to protect children" may be better

“80,000 members of Japan’s organized crime have weapon’s… when guns are outlawed only outlaws will have guns”(Francis, 133). Criminals aren’t know for their ability to follow all the laws but the one they plan on breaking. They usually break a lot of them when they commit a crime, you don’t see many car chases within the speed limit do you? This also applies to guns: very few criminals get guns through legal channels, most are stolen are bought illegally. Outlawing guns only removes the law-abiding citizens of their property and means to defend themselves. In fact banning firearms can dramatically increase the crime rate. In Australia province of Victoria all handguns were banned yet after the ban homicides with firearms rose three hundred percent (Francis, 133). In Japan all private ownership of guns is banned yet violent crime is the highest
ever (Francis, 132). I don’t think taking guns away from citizens makes a criminals job any harder, or makes the society any safer.
other than three references to the same source which may indicate taking words out of context no real issue.

Then the laws that target something that is popular with law-abiding citizens and rarely used in the commission of a crime. The Assault Weapon Ban of 1994 was just such a law. The Ban outlawed the manufacture of a rifle with a detachable magazine, and two of the following features: a folding of collapsible stock, a pistol grip, bayonet mount, flash suppressor or threaded barrel, and a grenade launcher (Casewell). I have shot rifles with that would be considered “assault weapons” and it they did not seem any deadlier than a standard rifle. Also some might think the ban was good for banning the grenade launchers, well the grenades are considered a Destructive Device, and require a person to obtain proper licensing before buying the grenade. All of the previous listed features are only cosmetic and don’t affect the function of the firearm (Casewell). Some people ask why own an “assault weapon” well why do some people own a Corvette? That’s what “assault weapons” are; they are the sport cars of firearms. The car analogy can be continued to “assault weapons” being used in crimes, I haven’t seen many Corvettes used as get way cars, and I haven’t seen many “assault weapons” used in the commission of a crime. Gun laws don’t positively crime rates or even relevant.
the last sentence doesn't apply to the paragraph. "the cosmetic distinction of assault weapon is irrelevant to the use of a gun." may be more appropriate

Guns may seem like they are extremely dangerous to have around but there are many things that are more statically cause more deaths than firearms, twice the number of children 14 and under die for bicycle accidents than firearms and four times that number die from drowning (Rabik, 145). You don’t see campaigns against pools for bicycles as loud or as large as you see them against guns. There is no bill sitting in committee requiring any house with children to have a lock able fence around the pool, but there is one, H.R.1022, to reinstate the Assault Weapon Ban of 1994.
there are laws in places requiring bicycle helmets.

“We don’t train children early in dangerous activities such as driving, why make and acceptation for firearms” (Emerson, 40). From the opposite side we have the NRA saying to expose and teach your children about firearms to remove the child’s curiosity about them (Emerson, 40). I would have to side with the NRA on this, I exposed to driving and an early age and didn’t feel the need to find out more about it. I was also given the chore of mowing the lawn with a riding lawn mower, teaching me some driving skills. This can also be applied to firearms, you teach your children about firearms and you have them shoot a BB gun under your supervision for them to learn the proper way to handle one. Also the NRA has a program that teaches children to not handle firearms without an adult.
we do teach our children how to avoid danger. teaching them how to safely use a car is considered a rite of passage among teenagers. Teaching a child to safely use a firearm is the same.

The average rate for accidental firearm deaths is 1,500 a year while the accidental death rate for doctors and hospitals is 120,000 (Schlafly, 17). Now consider that there are around 50 million guns owned privately in America. The accident rate isn’t as bad as say accidental deaths involving cars. Another surprising fact: in the 20th century 170 million people were killed by their own government (Cottrol). Most of those were killed after being disarmed, Hitler, and Stalin both used gun control to disarm political opponents and silence them. You can see that there a lot of things more dangerous out there than guns in law-abiding hands.
how many cars are in America?
the "another surprising fact" deserves it's own paragraph, it doesn't match with the accident rate which started this one. this could lead into your conclusion better.

The last reason I believe gun control is wrong is that guns are aeffective means of self-defense. Despite what some say guns are effective means of self-defense and they are commonly used for it. The Department of Justice estimates the guns are used defensively anywhere from 750,000 to 3.6 million times a year (Emerson, 11). The percent of these that shots are fired is somewhere around ten percent. Guns are also the most effective means of self-defense. “Women facing violent assault were two and half times more likely to suffer serious injury if they had no firearm compared to those who did” (Rabik, 146). That debunks the idea that if a woman has a firearm and is attacked it will be taken away and used against her, which is simple not true. The idea that shootings are an epidemic in states that allow the carry of a concealed weapon is also false. “Over on million Americans have been licensed to carry firearms” (Cottral). Nor are people who carry concealed weapons legally any more likely to be arrested. Florida since 1987 has had laws stating anyone who meets the requirements must be issued a permit; in fact the arrest rate for those that hold a permit is one in fourteen thousand (Reynolds, 116). Criminals don’t follow the law and enacting laws that keep law-abiding citizens from protecting themselves only serves to makes the criminals life a little safer. “The requirements in most states include a background check, 10 to 15 hours of training with a test over the laws of self-defense, and a test of the applicants accuracy, the test must also be passed every time the permit is renewed” (Reynolds, 116). The states are not allowing anyone to just apply and receive a permit but are making sure that the people who hold these permits actually have some training. This is why I feel guns are effective for self-defense.
first two sentences are the same.
"over one million Americans have CCW" add data on how many use their weapons?
"the arrest rate for those that hold a permit is one in fourteen thousand" versus XXX rate for the overall population

Gun Control doesn’t affect crime, demonized an inanimate object, and denies citizens of their right to defend themselves. Politicians will continue to try and pass more gun control laws unless we speak up. If you don’t care either way go out and shoot with a responsible firearm owner and see how much fun it is.
recreational use of firearms is never mentioned directly until now. inappropriate conclusion unless a paragraph is added (maybe in the recreational use of "assault weapons").
"Politicians will continue to try and pass more gun control laws unless we speak up" Yet people continue to support gun control laws believing that they will reduce crime.
 
Thanks for all the input.

MattC this is a supposed to be a 10th grade persuasive paper

I'll definitly print this thread out. I really didn't trust another 10th grader or Word to catch all of the grammer mistakes, and I wanted to make sure I was giving the best represenation to our side that I could

Also I'm aim more for the fence sitters as I don't believe that there is a hardcore anti in the class. That is why i put any emphasis on the fact that there are alot more things dangerous than firearms
 
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Gun Control doesn’t affect crime, demonizedes an inanimate object, and denies citizens of their right to defend themselves. Politicians will continue to try and pass more gun(fell good?0 control laws unless we speak up. If you don’t care either way go out and shoot with a responsible firearm owner and see how much fun it is.

you are right, your closing paragraph is weak.

Is your central argument really that 'because it is fun, it should be legal?

What about 'If you don't care either way about shooting, ask yourself this, what if the government comes for a hobby YOU enjoy, saying you don't NEED it?
 
Great paper!

Excellent comments on syntax, grammar, logic, etc.

One point nobody seems to have covered --when starting a sentence with a number, the number should be spelled out, as:

"Eighty thousand...."

Not "80,000."
 
Here's my personalized version of the first paragraph. I was gonna do the whole thing, but I'm too tired. feel free to use it:

Few issues seem to stir emotions like gun control. I believe that gun control is wrong for several reasons. Banning effective means of self-defense like firearms has no effect on crime rates, as evidenced in cities like Chicago, New York, and Washington D.C.; cities with some of the strictest gun laws and correspondingly high crime rates. Some say it’s for the children, yet more children drown in pools than die from guns. Others say it prevents criminals from arming themselves. Hogwash. Criminals are criminals because they don't adhere to the law to begin with, be they gun laws or any other law. Therefore I don’t believe gun control is about safety. Then what is it about?
 
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