You Know You're a Mall Ninja If...

[Geronimo45]

... you are a practitioner of the all-but-lost art of Ninjitsu
... your SO is 'the most tactical woman you've ever known'
... your clothes could survive a half-dozen world wars, sulfuric acid, most nuclear explosions, and Tide with Bleach.
... you, on the other hand, go cukoo without your cocoa puffs.
... you are prepared for Russian mobsters, Imperial Stormtroopers, and Sith Lords. Children who have lost their parents are handcuffed and held until called for.
... since you are not allowed to send shoplifters to Gitmo, you and the rest of your Tactical Team are building your own version.
... your headlights are IR.
... you wear night vision goggles to the bathroom.

 

[DRMMR02]

...you have special boots that allow you to climb walls.

 

[CountGlockula]

...you buy the book "Secrets of the Ninja" as a kid, try out a fatal move on your friend and was close to snapping his back.

 

[ezypikns]

You clank......

when you walk?

 

[Hoppy590]

.... your Special Weapons number one customer

 

[Twycross]

...You have ever had a 'Plan A' involving stopping multiple .308 shots with your back.

...Your M4gery weighs in excess of 15lb, or has more than one laser attached.

...You have ever built a tactical go-cart, or up-armored a wheelbarrow.

...You cannot hit the paper at 7 yards with a shotgun, but are confident that when the terrorists show up at Pizza Hut, you will be able to make a 400 yard headshot with a BB gun.

...You refuse to wear any article of clothing containing less than 8 pockets, excluding black ballcaps and possibly underwear.

...You consider an NEF .300 WinMag to be an excellent, concealable, mall-defence weapon.

...You have ever carried more than two OC cans, or a set of handcuffs (excluding LEOs).

 

[cassandrasdaddy]

you

wear a gunbelt over your bathrobe

 

[Low-Sci]

-Your "intensive training program" consists of ten push-ups for physical crosstraining and a "Where's Waldo" book.

-Your low-light force-on-force training is halted because the RO told you "to stop clowning around and go to bed already," to which you replied "Sorry, goodnight mom!"

-Any child has ever confused you for the unidentified potential terrorist known only as "Smokey The Bear."

-You have shot several dishes of fine china, trying to figure out which manufactures are "trauma plates."

-You carry a knife, in case you need a silent kill after you manage to sneak up on your opponent while wearing wingtips on a tile floor.

-You eat MREs because they last longer in the harsh, flourescent environment than a sack lunch does.

-You have attempted to simulate the recoil of a .50 caliber rifle by putting a 2x4 against your shoulder and ramming a wall.

 

[Lebben-B]

...You regard "The Zombie Survival Guide" as a comprehensive work of non-fiction.

 

[jagdpanzer347]

All your trauma plates are belong to me.....

-jagd

 

[Legionnaire]

You have attempted to simulate the recoil of a .50 caliber rifle by putting a 2x4 against your shoulder and ramming a wall.

 

[CornCod]

You have a water pistol with a picatinny rail on it.

 

[Big Calhoun]

...you and your buddies sit around comparing what AirSoft gun would scare would-be shoplifters worse.
...you and your buddies sit around reading karate magazines and perusing the ads for 'chinese stars', wishing your 'duty commander' would authorize their use.
...you drive around the parking lot with your emergency lights on...when the mall is closed and no one is there!
...you wear a 'XX'PD hat with your mall uniform.
...you keep a shotgun rack in your mall truck to impress the underage girls as you cruise the lots.

If you strike fear in the hearts of little children, but make grown-ups laugh...you, sir (or madam), or a Mall Ninja.

 

[DogBonz]

At the mall????

wear a gunbelt over your bathrobe

 

[SamTuckerMTNMAN]

you make threads

about mall ninjas

st

 

[EttenBoom]

You practice shooting with your pants around your ankles, just in case terrorists storm the mall restroom while your pinching one.

You've mastered the art of concealing an pistol (w/ fake supressor) while naked.

 

[Spreadfire Arms]

photo courtesy of UZITalk:

 

[BobTheTomato]

Multiple rounds of .308 to the back is in your plan.....

 

[benEzra]

You're so proficient in the martial arts, you can email a takedown.

 

[jungleroy]

If you carry a 5 or 6 D-cell flashlight and you never work after dark.

Your sence's are so acute that you don't realize that one of the atractive food court girls has put a kickme sign off the back of your duty-belt,( I witnessed that one, could not stop laughing once I had made it out to my truck).

 

[crunker]

You consider the possibilty of taking multiple .338 Lapua hits to the back so serious that you tape Level IV trauma plates to the outside of your heavy body armor.

You spend $23k a year on ammunition.

You actually think it's possible that "they" will let you keep an MP7-PDW close at hand (I wish).

You believe ninjutsu is useful in real-life combat, instead of the stealthy assassination/special missions it was designed for.

 

[Colt]

You may be a mall ninja if you believe that you are an authority figure, even in a small way.

 

[308win]

Mothers pushing strollers are constantly running over your spit shined 5.11 boots because your urban cammie bdu's blend so well with the terrazo tile in the woman's restroom.

Teenagers are always putting used chewing gum in your ear because you insist on taking up a prone surveilance position in the plastic potted palm whilst wearing your 5.11 woodland pattern cammies.

 

[Gromulin]

...you consider this thread to be a source of reference material:
Shrine of the Mall Ninja

 

[hotsauce]

You really like your Glock 21 but think that 14 rounds of 45acp just is'nt enough.