bad situation.. dont know what to do

[HighVelocity]

If the guy is into drugs then odds are good he may have a felony conviction in his past. Felon + Guns = back to the pokey.
Get somebody to run a background check on him and if he's a felon then turn him in.

 

[gunsmith]

Stay out of it!

Your setting yourself up big time.

 

[Fire4Effect]

As far as the boyfriend goes, I doubt that there will be any "reasoning" with him. Anything you say will be taken as an open challenge. More than likely the reason the 16 yr old stays with him is because of the "teenage rebellion" phase. This girl is about to become a serious drain on the family and probably the Welfare system. I doubt very seriously that the boyfriend is the only one doing drugs.

Starplayer... concentrate on the g/f you have, and wash your hands of her sisters drama.

 

[DRZinn]

Saying he's going to get you and sending a pic of a gun sounds like a threat to me, depending on timing. The police might be interested.

 

[Cosmoline]

She's 16, dates a 21 year old guy

You say 16 is age of consent where you are. Was she 16 when she first started seeing him or when she got pregnant?

If legal action is impossible for that or for drugs, there really isn't any more you can do. Don't try to meet him or talk "man to man" with him. Nothing good can come of it, as you assuming that he is a man--something I see little evidence of. The parents can try to impose more controls, but that's their business not your's.

 

[BullfrogKen]

From a man who has had to walk away from his entire immediate family due to destructive lifestyle choices . . .


Keep to yourself. You shining your armor for your girlfriend, showing her how the white knight can save the day, is going to backfire . . . In more ways than just pissing this guy and her sister off. You're involving yourself in a family dynamic that existed YEARS before you got involved, and in terms of influence, you ain't got it. If her parents have lost control . . . then she's going to do what she wants . . . She's thinking, "To hell with them. Oh, and who were you, again? Yeah, to hell with you, too."


I'm not speaking lightly about this subject. You have 2 years invested? I haven't spoken to my parents and two sisters more than a few times a year for over a decade. I saw my sister's boyfriend on America's Most Wanted 4 years ago. I'm coming from a little more experience with this when I tell you let this gal life her life, deadly mistakes and all.

At 16, she's no longer receptive her parent's influence. Either they were able to get her started right, and she listened, or she rebelled, and she's going to do what she wants. Interfere at your own risk.

 

[grimjaw]

I swear that some people are born losers.

One of my ex-girlfriends has a sister that has done nothing but throw away her opportunities and damage herself and others (to include a daughter). She and her husband (another winner):

- are terrible with finances, in debt, but still spend wastefully (bought an Xbox 360 when they can't even afford rent some months)
- have horrible self-discipline, and are passing this trait on to their daughter
- smoke, drink, curse, and behave like children in front of their child; it's one thing to enjoy a cigarette (I don't), it's another to waste money on a chain smoking habit that you could be using to pay the phone bill

I advised my ex (who is still a friend) not to move in with them, and write them off. She did not. Now she's worse off financially than before, even though moving in with her sister was supposed to help them both get on their feet financially. The sister and husband have just used it as an excuse to be more wasteful.

You can't help some people no matter how hard you try, and that will probably bother you. It's good that it bothers you. It shows that you have a conscience. But don't make the mistake that you can help someone so self-destructive. Think of her as a suicide bomber and RUN AWAY. Remember Jack Abbot.

The sister is not your responsibility, legally or otherwise. Your best bet is to avoid her and the boyfriend/drug addict at all costs. If the sister seriously wants help, she'll go to her parents and things will turn around. Until she does, you're just asking for a confrontation that doesn't serve anyone but the problem boyfriend.

I have seen this numerous times, unfortunately, including the girl that lived across the street from my parents impregnated at 15 by a 22 year old. She turned things around eventually, is raising her son with the help of her parents, and is finished with college now. It took time and pain, though. For every one of that type I've seen, I see two that are permanent problems for themselves and everyone around them.

jmm, never married w/no kids (and relieved to be so every time I hear about one of these stories)

 

[JohnKSa]

Here is some advice that is generally applicable.

1. Never bet your life on someone else's sanity. People are remarkably bad at being able to tell how crazy someone is until it's too late.

2. Avoid a person (and avoid being a person) who even HINTS that shooting someone is a good way to solve a minor dispute.​

Here is some advice that is specifically applicable.

Leave it alone. Be prepared to defend yourself, but otherwise you need to pretend like this guy doesn't exist.

If YOU push this, you have a VERY good chance of ruining Jane's life, Jane's sister's life, your life and generally messing up the entire situation. If it comes down to the nitty gritty, you may want to be handy, but you should have done NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NADA, ZIP, ZERO, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING that might contribute to a showdown.

If you antagonize the sphincter and end up having to shoot Jane's sister's boyfriend you will not be the hero. You will not endear yourself to Jane's sister, Jane, or Jane's parents. You will be the jerk who shot Jane's sister's boyfriend. "Heck, they would have worked it out and lived happily ever after if only you had just kept out of it." (I know, I know, but that's how it will play.)

It's likely that I haven't been direct enough with my comments--but maybe you're getting the idea.

 

[Ovid]

The (alleged) jerk BF could get hit by a bus tonight, and by next month your GF's sister would most likely be entangled with yet another jerk.

 

[silicon wolverine]

SOme people simply cant be helped. Follow all the adivce youve heard here and distance yourself from her anyway possible.

SW

 

[bogie]

If doofus has threatened you, at all, on any sort of media (paper, e-mail, whatever...) get him charged with assault.

Jail has a way of cooling folks off.

 

[NineseveN]

Walk away...if you feel you must intervene, work on the 16yo, not the guy, it can only end badly.

 

[Browns Fan]

I remember reading an article a few yrs back in Time/Newsweek (whatever, fill in the blank) about a study done by a psychologist who proved that, based on their lack of maturity, teenagers make their decisions by emotion, not intellect.

I try to keep that in mind when dealing with my 15 yr old daughter. It does make it a little easier to understand where she's coming from, and it helps to keep my temper in check.

 

[HankB]

There's an old saying which might be applicable to your attempts to deal with the boyfriend:

"When you wrestle with a pig, all you get is dirty . . . and the pig, well, he enjoys it."

You might suggest a restraining order to the parents, but if THEY can't (or won't) go this route, drop it and distance yourself - there's WAY too much downside for you.

 

[Just_a_dude_with_a_gun]

Regardless of the situation, you have to remember certain things.

1) You are not this girl's brother. You are not even her brother-in-law,
because you are not married to her sister. "Practically married"
means nothing.

2) Knowing trouble's a brewin' is reason enough for a ccw holder to call
an authority, in place of acting themselves.

3) If he's so bad, there must be something he's doing that is illegal.
If you know he'll be somewhere with his (equally seedy) friends
having some fun (party, hanging out at the lake, smoking dope)
Rat him out, and get him arrested.

 

[High Planes Drifter]

Stay out of it. This isnt your problem; its Janes families problem if they choose to deal with it. Question: where in the is Janes' /Sisters' dad ,and what is he doing about this? If I had a 16yr old daughter and she brought home a 21 year old man , be it a med. school student or a junkie, all of that nonsense about age of consent would go out the window; right before he did.

 

[Kharn]

Definitely go for the restraining order, and hope the cops pick him up for dope or prior felonies when they go to get his rifle (which you conveniently have a photo of).

Kharn

 

[V4Vendetta]

I'm reminded of the story about the prodigal son. For those of you who don't know the story, I'll tell it.

A son goes to his father & asks for his part of the family fortune.
The father grants his son's request.
The son goes & lives a debauched life with whores.
The son goes broke & loses all his money.
The son then has to get a job working for a Gentile herding pigs for minimum wage.
The son comes to his senses, goes home & begs his fathers forgiveness.
The father forgives his son.

Notice how as soon as the son went broke, the father didn't just go get him & bail him out of trouble. He let his child come to his senses on his own. That may be hard but it's what needs to be done.

 

[riverdog]

. . .and somebody needs to be there to pick up the pieces.

 

[SSN Vet]

True Love is....

Tough Love.

Facilitating and fianancing the 16 year old daughter's rebelliion isn't doing her any favors.

The law of "reaping what you sow" can't be negated by crossing fingers, spending a little money or re-assigning blame.

The last I knew it takes two to tango, so unless this guy raped her....she's as responsible for getting pregnant as he is. No one is helping her by sweeping the consequences for her bad choices under the rug or absolving her of responsibility.

It's often not untill people reap the FULL measure of what they sow that they "take a smart pill".

Be there for her when she wakes up. Help her get her feet back on the ground. Don't rub it in and say I told you so. But don't facilitate or enable her destruction.

The reality is, she can't undo what she's already done. Bad choices will often have consequences that can't be erased....BUT.... she can still turn off the path of self destruction and live a meaningful and productive life.

I will always have a profound respect for my parents, who drew a line in the sand about "the rules of the house" and didn't back down. Both my older brother and sister were "kicked out of the house" (as it was called back then). But they were both welcomed back and assisted when they put the drugs behind them. As the little brother...I got an early introduction to the "party path", but had no lack of understanding about where that line in the sand was and which side of it I needed to stay on. Though they still have their "scars" and some doors of opportunity were forever shut, both my older siblings are sober, own their own homes and have fairly "functional" families of their own. Ironically, it's the "goody two shoes" sister, who was better at covering her tracks and never got caught, who has the most problems today.

"Parent" is an incredibly hard and painful job to do right. Not one to be taken lightly. The responsibilities can't be ducked.

Legal precedence in the U.S. (established by the U.S. Supreme Court) is that parents have the right to control where and under what conditions (assuming they are not abusive) their children live, untill age 18. They can send her to boot camp/ reform school (often done in Mexico) and have her taken there in hand cuffs if need be. They can even have her adjudicated as a delinquent an placed in state custody.

Future brother-in-laws and even older sisters can offer help and support, but the responsibility and authority is the parents and the parents alone.

Be careful you don't shipwreck your own future and your relationship with the older sister by trying to solve a problem that isn't yours to solve.

 

[ARTiger]

To stay out of it seems the most sensible course of action. If the16 y/o is into drugged out losers, this will probably just be the first in a long string of them. If her parents and sister can't influence her behaviour enough to alter that course - this may seem harsh - but, she's on her own. Maybe she needs to hit the wall to find out she's not invincible.

If you want to drop a dime (anonymously) about the drugs, then hey, you're just being a good citizen. Also, where I live sending someone an e-mail or text message with "I'm going to get you" accompanied by pics of a gun would be considered terroristic threatening. At very least keep that documented so that if you do get in a SHTF situation with the loser and have to resort to force, you would be doing so against someone who had previously threatened you.

 

[El Barto]

I think the “problem” is with the girl and I say that because I have had a similar problem. My older sister was a teenage runaway many years ago and fortunately everything worked out for her but she has never set boundaries for her own kids fearing they would become runaways. So my niece started “dating” when she was 11, got pregnant when she was 12 by a 30 yr old guy but had an abortion. She has always dated older guys and it was common practice for them to climb in through her bedroom window and spend the night. My sister knew of this.

My sister’s family lives in a very small town in North Carolina and there is not much there to offer young adults. My wife and I tried to be a positive influence to my niece. We flew her to stay with us for a while, and showed her that she could realize her dream of being a nurse and exploring the world. We had even started applying to colleges for her and for a while, things looked good. But then she went back home.

Then we found out that she is pregnant and is getting married at 17. Her fiancé is only 19 and he is not the best of character and my niece has admitted that they fight all the time.

My advice is to show Jane’s sister the light and have a positive influence on her life. Show her how much better things could be and help her out all you can. Use persuasion to distance her from the bad parts of her life. Other than that, just be there when she needs you. Remember, kids have short attention spans.

As for the boyfriend, don’t instigate anything but be prepared. Let him make the first move and then take care of him, but remember to follow the law.

 

[BigFatKen]

16 vs. 17 or 20?

I read the link to the age of consent on the teen talk. It may be set up so a 18 year old is not charged for sex with a 16 year old. But it may also be a crime for someone over 21 to have a sex with a 16 year old. If the teen line is completly true, then a 50+ president could have sex with 16 year olds too.

 

[TonyB]

While I do believe that the boyfriend needs a good beating...you're probably not the one to administer it(you'd probably lose your ccw)...I'd call the police about the threats to yourself,just in case.Plus if some day he ends up being shot by you(in self defense)there is a record that he made threats.
Remember the good old days when you would just smack a guy like this around,and he'd disappear?Those days are gone.

 

['Card]

Let me chime in with some more 'personal experience' for you.

My sister used to get involved with drug addicts, thieves, and assorted other losers on a regular basis, and I used to have pretty much the same attitude as you've got about it. I blamed the guys she was running around with - not her. Because of that, I ended up doing a lot of things back then that I'm pretty ashamed of now. I beat up some people that didn't deserve it, and took some amazingly stupid chanches - like kicking down the door of a crack house with a bad attitude and a cocked-and-loaded 870, for example.

The thing is, she just kept going back to the same kind of person and the same kind of situation time after time after time. It's not the guy that's the problem. It's the girl. Until she's got enough self-esteem to make reasonable decisions, nothing you can do is going to change the long-term outcome.

As frustrating as it is, there are times in your life when all potential actions on your part will only result in negative outcomes. This is one of those times.