Hunting Jokes

A friend of mine told his wife before he left for work one Friday morning that he was going hunting with "the boys" after work, so don't wait supper on him. But instead of coming home at dark, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by one very angry wife. After about ten minutes of hard screaming, she stopped shouting and quietly asked him, “how would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

“That would be fine with me”, he replied.

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to barely see her out of the corner of his left eye.
 
A guy goes hunting and comes home after being away the entire weekend. He mentions to the wife, "Honey, weren't you going to get me some extra socks before I left Friday for hunting?" Yes, she said with an angry remark, "I packed them in right next to your hunting rifle in the rifle case!!!"
 
Excuse me if I retell this one poorly/incorrectly.....goes something like this:

A new guy at the company is invited by the boss and gang to go duck hunting.
He shows up at the lake without a shotgun.

The boss asks him what the heck he was thinking?
New guys says don't worry about it, he didn't need a gun.... he will just "ugly them out of the sky".

So boss takes him to his blind to put him to the test.
Calls and gets a single coming in straight ahead.

Guy hops up and makes the strangest face at the bird.... and it drops from the sky, stone dead.

The boss is in shock.....bird must have been hit someplace else and just made it to their lake and died.
Coincidence.

So bossman calls some more and again gets a single...... coming in hard right..
New guy stands up, makes a goofy face again.....and the duck splashes down hard, deader than a doornail.

The boss is now a believer... so he asks the new guy where in the heck he learned how to "Ugly em outta the sky" ?

New guy says " I learned it from my wife".

Bossman says "Well gee, you'll have to bring her along next time !"

And the new guy shakes his head and says "Naw......

"She tears em up too much".
 
Not a joke, but a true humorous story relayed to me by the owner of a local gunshop. Years ago a local preacher came in and fell in love with a used shotgun on the rack. The preacher bought the gun but was then trying to figure out how to get it home without his wife finding out. The preacher and shop owner discussed several strategies, before the preacher left but none seemed to be a good plan.

A few weeks later the preacher was back in the shop and the owner asked him how he managed to get the shotgun home and stay out of trouble. The preacher said "I thought about it hard and long and finally decided I couldn't lie to my wife. When I got home I walked in the front door with the gun in plain sight. When my wife saw the shotgun, she asked "Well, did you kill anything today". To which he replied. "Nope, didn't even fire a shot". He then placed the shotgun in the safe and never said another word.
 
Two hunters go up to Canada and charter a float plane from Bob’s flying service to drop them off on a remote lake for a moose hunt.

A week later Bob flys in to pick up the two hunters. They are proudly standing besides two gigantic bull moose heads and two huge piles of meat. Bob informs them that he’ll have to charge them for an extra meat hauling flight because of the weight.

The hunters immediately protested one says well we used Jack’s flying service last year and he didn’t need an extra meat hauling flight! Bob thought it over and decided that while they’d be way over weight he’d sure hate to give up any business to Jack!

So they loaded up the hunters and all their gear and they loaded up the two moose and strapped the heads and antlers to the wings.

Bob taxied all the way to the end of the lake and fire walled the engine and the float plane slowly accelerated, and was struggling to gain speed and just before the end of the lake Bob the pilot yanked the flaps and broke water but he couldn’t clear the trees! The plane smashed into the trees and crashed into the forest.

The two hunters cleared themselves from the smoldering wreckage and they pulled Bob out of the crumpled cockpit and dusted him off.

The hunters looked at Bob and said you know you’re one heck of a good Pilot Bob!!

Bob asked how they figured that!?!

The hunters said well geez Bob you got 50 yards further than Jack did last year!
 
I have a true story about a young college man and his girl friend deer hunting for the first time.
At lunch time we were planning going into town. The young lady went to the front of a truck, pointed her lever action 30/30 in a safe direction away from the truck and away everyone else and started to unload. About half done with gloves on, the gun discharged into a mound of snow. Everyone was startled, but it was a safe incident. Her boy friend approached her from the rear of the truck fingering the mud on its door panels as he came up from behind her. He said are you alright, but look what happened to the truck and he showed her the line, like maybe it was from her rifle. She believed him for about 2 minutes, until she saw the rest of us just going about our business. Her gun was pointed in the opposite direction from the truck. I wonder if they are still dating????
 
Most of the hunting ones I know are taken already. Maybe I'll think of one later. How 'bout a fishing one?

Sven and Ole are out ice fishin' sunnies. Ole has a nice pile of fish by his hole, Sven has only a dinky perch. He says "Hey Ole, vats da secret fur catchin all dem sunnies?"

Gom gebba guram.

Vat?!!

GOM GEEBBA GURRAM!

Vats dat ya damn Norwegian square head?

Ole spits a big wad of stuff in his hand "Ya gotta keep da vurms varm!"
 
River fly fishing older men were watching a couple of young'ens bringing fish one right after another. One guy goes up to kids and says you almost got limit, what your secret. The kid mumbles wodok ldobb wieleb. The guy says ya right and walks away. A little later the other man walks up as the kids are starting to pack up and asks the same question. This time the kid spits out three worms into his hand and says "warm worms"!

I can tell a real secret. Years ago when DNR would stock ponds with rainbow for city kids. I would take cheap bacon and fry it until the fat turned white. Then cut the white fat off, dice it and pour the grease and diced fat over whole corn. I would put several corns on a long #8 hook and tip the barb with a piece of fat. At opening day, we had limit within a 1/2 hour. The grease mimics the pellet flavor that the fish were accustom to in the rearing ponds. The corn is a natural attractant. After the water warms in a couple of weeks, the fish aren't so interested because they are now eating aquatic insects, like hellgrammites. Nothing goes to waste. After cutting off the fat, we finished cooking the bacon and ate it for breakfast.
Lesson #2. A buddy didn't believe us, so he started to cast a Mepps spinner. He said "see I'm still catching fish." We told him he still had grease on hands. We washed his hands with alcohol and he changed to another Mepps. He didn't catch another fish, trying to prove us wrong.
 
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Another fishing joke. The warden always heard the local just called Joe was a fish poacher, but could never catch him. One day the warden stayed up all night and caught Joe leaving to go "fishing". Joe told the warden, "Come on. Get in the boat with me and we can fish together." So the warden did and Joe motored out to the middle of the lake. As the anchor was dropped, Joe grabbed a stick a dynamite out of his tackle box, lit it, and threw it into the water. The warden screamed at him, "you can't do that, it's illegal." Joe jusdt looked at the warden and took another stick of dynamite, this time with a little longer fuse, lit it and tossed it into the warden's lap and said, " You going to jaw at me while goin to hell or are you going to fish!"
 
The were two Grizzly bear hunters in Alaska using a man for bait, tied to a tree. After a couple hours a big bear shows up and starts chewing on the tied up man. One hunter shoots the bear and drags it away and then starts patching their "bait". As they are nursing the guy back to health a white limo shows up and the Holy Father steps out and say "Bless you two good Samaritans for coming to the aid of your fellow man." And then he gets back into the limo and leaves. The second hunters says we can't let this guy die, I want to get a bear too. You know how hard it is to find a liberal in Alaska?
 
Eino is in danger of failing the 10th grade and not being able to work in the copper mines. His teacher offers him a deal. "Eino, you always spend too much time chasing girls, skipping out to hunt the woods or chew tobacco, you're no good at school but I think you should finish the 10th grade. I don't wanna hold you back and see you again next year. I'll let you pass so you can go work in the mine on one condition. By tomorrow, you have to write a poem about a foreign land, and recite it in front of the class!"

Well Eino's walking through the woods back to his families shanty and trying to think of a poem, or even a foreign land for that matter. He remembers hearing a nursery rhyme about one, so he decides to make his poem about that.

The next morning, with a jaunty stride he walks directly to the front of class, spits his wad of snus out the window on his way by, and begins his poem.

"Me and Tim a'hunting go. Through hills so high, and valleys low. We traveled far across the woods, until we found somthing really good. What we found was 3 pretty girls, red and brown and blondie curls. There behind the Olson's slough, I buck one and Timbuktu!"
 
A hunter is showing off his bird dog to his buddy. The dog goes to a bush, sniffs, and wags his tail once.
"What does that mean?" asks the buddy.
"That means there's one bird in that bush" replies the hunter, and sure enough they flush one bird.
The dog goes to another bush, sniffs, and wags his tail twice.
"What does that mean?" asks the buddy.
"That means there's two birds in that bush" replies the hunter, and sure enough they flush two birds.
The dog goes to a third bush and comes back with a branch in his mouth and begins furiously humping the buddy's leg.
"What the HECK does that mean?!" yells the buddy.
"That means there's more f***ing birds in that bush than you can shake a stick at."
 
Years ago, my Uncle Bob and I were out looking for a place to hunt. As we passed a typical farm, with a couple of cows in the pasture and a really sickly looking horse by the barn, I told Uncle Bob to stop, because I saw a pretty good buck by the edge of the pasture, so I was going to ask the farmer for permission to hunt. Bob shook his head, and said "Good luck, farmers around her don't like hunters from the city much." So I went up to the door, knocked, introduced myself, and asked for permission to hunt. Guy gave me a funny look and said "Well, since you asked, I guess you can if you do me a favor." He continued, "My sickly old horse over there needs to be put down, the vet is out of town, and I don't have the heart to do it myself. If you can give him a mercy shot right between the eyes, you and your uncle can hunt all season."

Well, I'm no horse hunter, but I agreed. On the way back to the truck, Uncle Bob was laughing and said "He ran you off, didn't he?" I decided to have some fun with Bob and said "Damn right - nobody talks to me like that!" So I grabbed my rifle and started loading it. Bob said "Hey, wait a minute, you can't kill a man because he cussed you out" So I said, "No, but I damn sure can shoot his horse" So I laid my rifle across the hood, and BANG!" Down goes Old Dobbin, right between the eyes.

BANG! BANG! Two more shots from behind me - there's Uncle Bob with a smoking gun,saying "And I got two of his cows! Now let's get out of here!"
 
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