LJ-MosinFreak-Buck
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Thank you, MB. I'll PM you when I get the first chapter done.
I'm Kinda Writing a Short Story.
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mortablunt
Member
I look forward to it.
There are always detractors in anything you might set out to do..You want to start a business; you will fail...you want to write a story then you will never get published infinitum.
I can not spell; growing up in Texas you can not spell by the sound of the words.....good excuse???....Also years and years of short hand copying rapid paced radio transmissions occasionally did not help...
I wrote an article and set it to a magazine called Yacht Line dealing with sea sickness many years ago and low and behold it got published. Then there was U.S. Aviator with a rather large article on the single engine aircraft called "The Swift and me".....which lead to writing for Southern Skies on a monthly basis with Airshow news and travels...I was on the circuit......All of this was fun and something to do while locking the kids out of the study!!!
I only bring this up not to pull my own string...Think my English Grammar teacher would have done a slow roll in there grave if they had know I was actually writing and being published.
As others have said, some of you disjointed sentence structure could be improved but it is readable. Spelling consist of a good spell checker; problem solved..... If you believe in what you are doing then do it IMO. The only thing that really stood out to me was when:
I do not know how many rounds were on target or missed but in my opinion 4 shots (or less) Knock the torso back while the knees buckle. You end up with knees forward legs bent torso lying flat on its' back...probably easier to write it the way you did?? Certainly no expert on the killing of people but when a kill shot or DRT is administered the legs are the first to go......not always; have heard of a headless body that kept running for a few steps but usually in my experience the legs go.
I agree Gene could have been better represented in your story if he just looked at Robert and kept saying time after time he did not want to talk . Final confrontation before opening up and talking IMO needs to be reworked for I do not find the situation in the bar as something other than low grade "B" movie script.....but hey it is your story and if that is the way you saw it then, "go for it"! Interesting premise for a story good luck.
I can not spell; growing up in Texas you can not spell by the sound of the words.....good excuse???....Also years and years of short hand copying rapid paced radio transmissions occasionally did not help...
I wrote an article and set it to a magazine called Yacht Line dealing with sea sickness many years ago and low and behold it got published. Then there was U.S. Aviator with a rather large article on the single engine aircraft called "The Swift and me".....which lead to writing for Southern Skies on a monthly basis with Airshow news and travels...I was on the circuit......All of this was fun and something to do while locking the kids out of the study!!!
I only bring this up not to pull my own string...Think my English Grammar teacher would have done a slow roll in there grave if they had know I was actually writing and being published.
As others have said, some of you disjointed sentence structure could be improved but it is readable. Spelling consist of a good spell checker; problem solved..... If you believe in what you are doing then do it IMO. The only thing that really stood out to me was when:
I do not know how many rounds were on target or missed but in my opinion 4 shots (or less) Knock the torso back while the knees buckle. You end up with knees forward legs bent torso lying flat on its' back...probably easier to write it the way you did?? Certainly no expert on the killing of people but when a kill shot or DRT is administered the legs are the first to go......not always; have heard of a headless body that kept running for a few steps but usually in my experience the legs go.
I agree Gene could have been better represented in your story if he just looked at Robert and kept saying time after time he did not want to talk . Final confrontation before opening up and talking IMO needs to be reworked for I do not find the situation in the bar as something other than low grade "B" movie script.....but hey it is your story and if that is the way you saw it then, "go for it"! Interesting premise for a story good luck.
LJ-MosinFreak-Buck
Member
Thank you, Sky. I think I'll keep the prologue as is. Then, later on in the story go deeper into how Robert Strong got the information out of Eugene Stilz. This excerpt from my OP, fortunately, sets me up for going this route, I just caught this, and realized I can use this to my benefit in leaving the prologue as is:
Coyote3855
Member
A couple of suggestions. Find a copy of "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott. Excellent how-to book for novice writers. Check out your local university or community college for a creative writing class. Read some short stories by O. Henry. He's dated (died in 1910), but a master at the craft.
wannabeagunsmith
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I think you did a great job, and you also did a great job on carrying out the book. Most of my short stories don't get beyond the drawing board.
LJ-MosinFreak-Buck
Member
Thank you, WBAGS. I often get writers block in stories and loose interest. I'm going to try and follow through on this one.
Something of interest for your story line....I saw this vid a while ago and according to the info the Chinese have more women in uniform ( over 300 million ) than we have in total population. Hate the music but it has a few interesting things represented as facts. I do know their Airforce and Navy are getting a serious revamp. http://youtu.be/aP33K72nmDo
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LJ-MosinFreak-Buck
Member
Well I'll definately use that video to aid my story line. Thanks for the link, Sky.
Mikhail Weiss
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I agree with heron, here...
...and I'll elaborate a bit by saying this: the loose writing exhibits all the qualities of being written quickly. Too many “be verbs,” too much repetition/redundancy, too many qualifying statements (which, in turn, erode the force of the writing).
Unfortunately, I disagree with heron, here...
...but we're all on the same page, here...
Yes. Here are some:
This is what Ringolevio is getting at. If you want your work to be taken seriously, it has to be presented seriously. The more chances you give editors or readers to throw your work away, the more likely they will. So, always present your best work.
This advice is sound, too...
...because it addresses your original post, in which you mention that you're, “Kinda Writing a Short Story,” and then mention that you're, “going in no major direction,” and that you plan to write chapters, and that the offered piece is, in fact, a prologue. Thus it sounds much more like you're writing a novel than a short story (the latter of which don't typically have prologues or chapters).
Meanwhile, since you're writing speculative fiction, I thought you might find the SFWA (Science Fiction Writers of America) word counts, per category, of interest.
Short Story: under 7,500 words
Novelette: 7,500 to 17,500 words
Novella: 17,500 to 40,000 words
Novel: over 40,000 words
Now, having said all that jazz, do I think the offered sample works as a short story? No. Not really. The important action and emotional content seems too diffuse in those 2,043 words. As mentioned by others, the veteran is a cliche (though he improves some when given the opportunity to speak), and there's an air of self-importance about the journalist that makes me suspicious of his narrative reliability. That is, he sees himself as equal to a hardened combat veteran when, presumably, his own participation in combat was merely an incidental, if not accidental, act of self preservation. (His job, after all, was not to engage and destroy the enemy, but merely record events.)
Do I think the sample works as a prologue, or a first chapter? Maybe. I reckon that would really depend on two things: one, how the rest of the story shapes up; two, what you do to clarify and develop the present material, which seems in need of sharpening.
Meanwhile, I have a question and a comment.
First:
Here's the question: What's a 67 on an ASVAB?
Here's the comment: Keep writing. There are really only two ways to get better. One is to read good writing. The other is to keep honing your craft.
Best of luck.
...and I'll elaborate a bit by saying this: the loose writing exhibits all the qualities of being written quickly. Too many “be verbs,” too much repetition/redundancy, too many qualifying statements (which, in turn, erode the force of the writing).
Unfortunately, I disagree with heron, here...
...but we're all on the same page, here...
Yes. Here are some:
- chin-cheek [This pause-inducing construction requires readers to decode your meaning before moving on. Minor, but it interrupts flow.]
- cheak bones [misspelling]
- Stilzs' [The apostrophe is in the wrong place.]
- the only thing that shone above the grim-looking exterior were his blue eyes. [Oops, subject and verb disagree in number.]
- over-night [This is actually one word.]
- I pulled up a stool next to him-- [There are many occasions where the dash can be used, but this doesn't look like one of them. Yes, a dash is often used to show a break in narrative or action, but here it simply looks unnecessary.]
- I'm wasn't sure... [Yeah, that's wrong.]
- bar-tender [One word.]
- I had seen him over the next couple weeks, seeing Eugene at the bar, in the same stool. [Awkward construction, and Eugene certainly is not, was not, and cannot be “in” the stool, but rather “on” it.]
- pesturing [Spelling error.]
- Here's what happened-- [Switching from what appears to be a lead-in to an anecdote about a good-looking girl and a desperate president to one about Stilz is confusing. As a reader, I'm thinking, “Hey, weren't you going to tell an anecdote about a girl and a president?” And the reporter's subsequent interrupted thought requires readers to hang onto the notion of the interrupted-thought for a long time before getting the payoff, “drink.” What's more, the sentential staging is pretty awkward.]
- "Call me Gene. I hate that formal crap," said Stilz, acted like he hadn't even heard the compliment. [Improper tense.]
- I didn't answer for a minute, and sat there taking in the visage in front of me. Surely, this man in front of me deserved many things, things that weren't given, things that never would be. [Redundant. No, this isn't the only redundancy in the sample, either.]
- recieving [Spelling error.]
- I still hear popping in my bottom jaw from time to time, and that punch was one hell of a punch. I don't remember recieving worse in my time! [Hmm. Okay, but you didn't describe a punch, earlier. Instead, you gave readers this...] He hooked his right arm across my chin. [That sounds, at best like a clothes-lining maneuver, not a punch. If you had written, say, “He smashed a big ol' knobby fist onto the point of my chinny-chin-chin,” readers would probably understand your guy had been punched.]
- re-live [That's actually one word.]
- *I wish I could burn all those images I captured, from my mind and the film. [Extraneous comma.]
- it's nauseating..*[You either have one too many, or one too few, periods.]
- *A man named Eric Dawson had given me his pistol-a Glock 17, and I remember that clearly, the lettering on the slide was filled with a dried, white liquid-he told me that I would probably need it. [Improper formation of dashes in this sentence end up looking like hyphens, which is momentarily confusing.]
- *Little did I know, that in a short time, I would. [Comma is in the wrong place to make this a successful parenthetical.]
- 1942 [For lack of a colon, your hour-and-minute time has turned into a year.]
- I immediately felt the nausea coming, and swooned, one time, two times, three... I don't remember. I caught that horrible scene on tape, too. [Wait a minute. Your guy swoons one or two or three times, and shoots a guy, and manages to film each swoon and gunshot? Up to now I imagined your guy was using a handheld camera. Perhaps that needs clarification...]
- arms length [This should be arm's length.]
This is what Ringolevio is getting at. If you want your work to be taken seriously, it has to be presented seriously. The more chances you give editors or readers to throw your work away, the more likely they will. So, always present your best work.
This advice is sound, too...
...because it addresses your original post, in which you mention that you're, “Kinda Writing a Short Story,” and then mention that you're, “going in no major direction,” and that you plan to write chapters, and that the offered piece is, in fact, a prologue. Thus it sounds much more like you're writing a novel than a short story (the latter of which don't typically have prologues or chapters).
Meanwhile, since you're writing speculative fiction, I thought you might find the SFWA (Science Fiction Writers of America) word counts, per category, of interest.
Short Story: under 7,500 words
Novelette: 7,500 to 17,500 words
Novella: 17,500 to 40,000 words
Novel: over 40,000 words
Now, having said all that jazz, do I think the offered sample works as a short story? No. Not really. The important action and emotional content seems too diffuse in those 2,043 words. As mentioned by others, the veteran is a cliche (though he improves some when given the opportunity to speak), and there's an air of self-importance about the journalist that makes me suspicious of his narrative reliability. That is, he sees himself as equal to a hardened combat veteran when, presumably, his own participation in combat was merely an incidental, if not accidental, act of self preservation. (His job, after all, was not to engage and destroy the enemy, but merely record events.)
Do I think the sample works as a prologue, or a first chapter? Maybe. I reckon that would really depend on two things: one, how the rest of the story shapes up; two, what you do to clarify and develop the present material, which seems in need of sharpening.
Meanwhile, I have a question and a comment.
First:
Here's the question: What's a 67 on an ASVAB?
Here's the comment: Keep writing. There are really only two ways to get better. One is to read good writing. The other is to keep honing your craft.
Best of luck.
LJ-MosinFreak-Buck
Member
Thanks Mikhail. I actually asked for the wrongs that jumped out so I could correct 'em. You're the only one that has put them out there, so I'll be editing momentarily.
I appreciate your comments.
On the ASVAB test (Military uses this a lot and can determine where they want to place you should you decide to recruit) the number is the percentile. 67 means that I am in the 67 percentile, meaning I scored better than 67% of my peers. I know, in this day an age, that shouldn't be surprising, but the guys who gave me the test said my strongest points were english, history, and science. The History and science are there, but I guess I've lost my touch with the writing and grammar.
I'll probably end up turning this in to a Novella or Novel. I have a bad habit of getting writer's block and forgetting about it. I'll work on that.
I appreciate your comments.
On the ASVAB test (Military uses this a lot and can determine where they want to place you should you decide to recruit) the number is the percentile. 67 means that I am in the 67 percentile, meaning I scored better than 67% of my peers. I know, in this day an age, that shouldn't be surprising, but the guys who gave me the test said my strongest points were english, history, and science. The History and science are there, but I guess I've lost my touch with the writing and grammar.
I'll probably end up turning this in to a Novella or Novel. I have a bad habit of getting writer's block and forgetting about it. I'll work on that.
Mikhail Weiss
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Thanks for the explanation about the ASVAB. I took it back in 10th grade — the version they give to school kiddies, evidently — and instead of receiving one raw score, I received a collection of scores in different areas.
I can certainly see the story working at greater length, at least given its present narrative pace, and novella-length seems about right-ish. Doesn't mean it'll be an easy sell at that length, even if it turns out very good. Print space is always at a premium, and though markets for novella-length fiction exist, selling at that length requires a superb story. Not a good story. A superb one.
Whatever the length at which you write, however, do finish the story. A finished story will teach you far more than an unfinished one.
I can certainly see the story working at greater length, at least given its present narrative pace, and novella-length seems about right-ish. Doesn't mean it'll be an easy sell at that length, even if it turns out very good. Print space is always at a premium, and though markets for novella-length fiction exist, selling at that length requires a superb story. Not a good story. A superb one.
Whatever the length at which you write, however, do finish the story. A finished story will teach you far more than an unfinished one.
LJ-MosinFreak-Buck
Member
Indeed. I'd like to go novel length, though. I intend for Robert Strong to interview many veterans of that war. Professional soldiers and militiamen alike.
I like your analysis of Robert. Last I knew, though, that anyone who served in a war, even the cooks in foreign bases, were veterans. And since Robert defended himself against that soldier, I would figure that he'd been one, too.
As far as the camera catching that scene, I should have clarified what kind of cameras he had. One of them was a helmet-camera. I should have explained that better. More editing on the way!
I like your analysis of Robert. Last I knew, though, that anyone who served in a war, even the cooks in foreign bases, were veterans. And since Robert defended himself against that soldier, I would figure that he'd been one, too.
As far as the camera catching that scene, I should have clarified what kind of cameras he had. One of them was a helmet-camera. I should have explained that better. More editing on the way!
No way. If that is true I am a damn genius.
I got a 99.
As for writing advice, I would concur with a common topic in this thread already. Read a lot of good authors and keep writing. It sounds odd, but good writing comes with practice. Like exercise for your creativity. One of the best pieces of writer's advice I have heard comes from Kurt Vonnegut: be merciless with your cuts. Write out a story and cut half of it. 50% of anything is complete crap anyways... Lean and mean.
LJ-MosinFreak-Buck
Member
Good advice, Dan, and with the ASVAB, nice job! That's how they explained it to me, so, if I'm mistaken, I apologize. I only spouted what they told me.
NoirFan
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- 671
Mosin,
Thanks for sharing your writing, it can be tough to do on an open forum. I love fiction of all kinds and I salute anyone with the initiative to actually produce their own written content.
Since you are kind of writing in documentary style I'd offer some very general advice here; go and read some of the better war memoirs, like "Helmet for my Pillow" and "With the Old Breed". Here is an awesome site where Soviet soldiers talk about their experiences in WWII: http://english.iremember.ru/. Don't focus too much on the guns. Soldiers don't seem to care about them that much other than making sure they are kept clean and work. A lot of real soldiers' stories are about staying warm, keeping your feet dry, finding food, finding a safe place to take a crap, getting lost, being bored, and very occasionally, terrifying combat.
From a realism perspective, don't ignore the atrocities against civilians which would take place in such a scenario. Read "Berlin: the Downfall 1945" and "The Rape of Nanking" to see what happens when civilians trying to survive are dehumanized and labeled as collaborators by both sides.
Thanks for sharing your writing, it can be tough to do on an open forum. I love fiction of all kinds and I salute anyone with the initiative to actually produce their own written content.
Since you are kind of writing in documentary style I'd offer some very general advice here; go and read some of the better war memoirs, like "Helmet for my Pillow" and "With the Old Breed". Here is an awesome site where Soviet soldiers talk about their experiences in WWII: http://english.iremember.ru/. Don't focus too much on the guns. Soldiers don't seem to care about them that much other than making sure they are kept clean and work. A lot of real soldiers' stories are about staying warm, keeping your feet dry, finding food, finding a safe place to take a crap, getting lost, being bored, and very occasionally, terrifying combat.
From a realism perspective, don't ignore the atrocities against civilians which would take place in such a scenario. Read "Berlin: the Downfall 1945" and "The Rape of Nanking" to see what happens when civilians trying to survive are dehumanized and labeled as collaborators by both sides.
LJ-MosinFreak-Buck
Member
NoirFan:
Way ahead of you, there. I already had the idea in my head that turned the situation into all out war.
A member posting in this thread mentioned that I should have the reason as China taking possession of the collateral that was pledged in case of default.
China's military came and repossessed the land we pledged (in the book) and to put it shortly, became bored and did things that started the fighting. Rape. Pillage. Looting. Stuff like that.
I was also going to follow through with the deeper side of things. What you said in your post, looking for food, finding a safe place to crap, et cetera. The only reason I described the pistol, for Robert's side of the story, because of the white lettering. They stood out to him, and that's why I put it that way.
Thanks for the kind comments. There will be more posted. I'm going to pm a couple beta-readers so I can get the excerpts edited properly before I post them up publicly.
Way ahead of you, there. I already had the idea in my head that turned the situation into all out war.
A member posting in this thread mentioned that I should have the reason as China taking possession of the collateral that was pledged in case of default.
China's military came and repossessed the land we pledged (in the book) and to put it shortly, became bored and did things that started the fighting. Rape. Pillage. Looting. Stuff like that.
I was also going to follow through with the deeper side of things. What you said in your post, looking for food, finding a safe place to crap, et cetera. The only reason I described the pistol, for Robert's side of the story, because of the white lettering. They stood out to him, and that's why I put it that way.
Thanks for the kind comments. There will be more posted. I'm going to pm a couple beta-readers so I can get the excerpts edited properly before I post them up publicly.
LJ-MosinFreak-Buck
Member
I've edited the prologue and the post to fix the errors pointed out to me. Hopefully it makes a better read, I also added and omitted some information, hopefully it's easier to understand.
cambeul41
Member
I found this about the ASVAB
More about line scores
http://usmilitary.about.com/od/armyjoin/l/blarasvabscores.htm
http://usmilitary.about.com/od/joiningthemilitary/a/asvabcommission.htm
More about line scores
http://usmilitary.about.com/od/armyjoin/l/blarasvabscores.htm
LJ-MosinFreak-Buck
Member
I don't know if they explained to me wrong or not, but they told me I had scored better than 67% of my peers. Like I said, I was spouting what they had told me.
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