I agree with
heron, here...
First thing I notice is that the writing seems a little scattered overall; you seem to change topics in mid-paragraph at times. Tighten up and stay focused; follow a thought to its completion before going on to the next.
...and I'll elaborate a bit by saying this: the loose writing exhibits all the qualities of being written quickly. Too many “be verbs,” too much repetition/redundancy, too many qualifying statements (which, in turn, erode the force of the writing).
Unfortunately, I
disagree with
heron, here...
Your descriptions of action and setting are quite good.
...but we're all on the same page, here...
Make sure to clean up the spelling and grammar*
LJ-MosinFreak-Buck
Any grammatical and spelling errors that jump out to you?
Yes. Here are some:
- chin-cheek [This pause-inducing construction requires readers to decode your meaning before moving on. Minor, but it interrupts flow.]
- cheak bones [misspelling]
- Stilzs' [The apostrophe is in the wrong place.]
- the only thing that shone above the grim-looking exterior were his blue eyes. [Oops, subject and verb disagree in number.]
- over-night [This is actually one word.]
- I pulled up a stool next to him-- [There are many occasions where the dash can be used, but this doesn't look like one of them. Yes, a dash is often used to show a break in narrative or action, but here it simply looks unnecessary.]
- I'm wasn't sure... [Yeah, that's wrong.]
- bar-tender [One word.]
- I had seen him over the next couple weeks, seeing Eugene at the bar, in the same stool. [Awkward construction, and Eugene certainly is not, was not, and cannot be “in” the stool, but rather “on” it.]
- pesturing [Spelling error.]
- Here's what happened-- [Switching from what appears to be a lead-in to an anecdote about a good-looking girl and a desperate president to one about Stilz is confusing. As a reader, I'm thinking, “Hey, weren't you going to tell an anecdote about a girl and a president?” And the reporter's subsequent interrupted thought requires readers to hang onto the notion of the interrupted-thought for a long time before getting the payoff, “drink.” What's more, the sentential staging is pretty awkward.]
- "Call me Gene. I hate that formal crap," said Stilz, acted like he hadn't even heard the compliment. [Improper tense.]
- I didn't answer for a minute, and sat there taking in the visage in front of me. Surely, this man in front of me deserved many things, things that weren't given, things that never would be. [Redundant. No, this isn't the only redundancy in the sample, either.]
- recieving [Spelling error.]
- I still hear popping in my bottom jaw from time to time, and that punch was one hell of a punch. I don't remember recieving worse in my time! [Hmm. Okay, but you didn't describe a punch, earlier. Instead, you gave readers this...] He hooked his right arm across my chin. [That sounds, at best like a clothes-lining maneuver, not a punch. If you had written, say, “He smashed a big ol' knobby fist onto the point of my chinny-chin-chin,” readers would probably understand your guy had been punched.]
- re-live [That's actually one word.]
- *I wish I could burn all those images I captured, from my mind and the film. [Extraneous comma.]
- it's nauseating..*[You either have one too many, or one too few, periods.]
- *A man named Eric Dawson had given me his pistol-a Glock 17, and I remember that clearly, the lettering on the slide was filled with a dried, white liquid-he told me that I would probably need it. [Improper formation of dashes in this sentence end up looking like hyphens, which is momentarily confusing.]
- *Little did I know, that in a short time, I would. [Comma is in the wrong place to make this a successful parenthetical.]
- 1942 [For lack of a colon, your hour-and-minute time has turned into a year.]
- I immediately felt the nausea coming, and swooned, one time, two times, three... I don't remember. I caught that horrible scene on tape, too. [Wait a minute. Your guy swoons one or two or three times, and shoots a guy, and manages to film each swoon and gunshot? Up to now I imagined your guy was using a handheld camera. Perhaps that needs clarification...]
- arms length [This should be arm's length.]
This is what
Ringolevio is getting at. If you want your work to be taken seriously, it has to be presented seriously. The more chances you give editors or readers to throw your work away, the more likely they will. So, always present your best work.
This advice is sound, too...
But there's a lot more to being a writer, like knowing whether what you're attempting is a*short story*or a*novel.
...because it addresses your original post, in which you mention that you're, “Kinda Writing a Short Story,” and then mention that you're, “going in no major direction,” and that you plan to write chapters, and that the offered piece is, in fact, a prologue. Thus it sounds much more like you're writing a novel than a short story (the latter of which don't typically have prologues or chapters).
Meanwhile, since you're writing speculative fiction, I thought you might find the SFWA (Science Fiction Writers of America) word counts, per category, of interest.
Short Story: under 7,500 words
Novelette: 7,500 to 17,500 words
Novella: 17,500 to 40,000 words
Novel: over 40,000 words
Now, having said all that jazz, do I think the offered sample works as a short story? No. Not really. The important action and emotional content seems too diffuse in those 2,043 words. As mentioned by others, the veteran is a cliche (though he improves some when given the opportunity to speak), and there's an air of self-importance about the journalist that makes me suspicious of his narrative reliability. That is, he sees himself as equal to a hardened combat veteran when, presumably, his own participation in combat was merely an incidental, if not accidental, act of self preservation. (His job, after all, was not to engage and destroy the enemy, but merely record events.)
Do I think the sample works as a prologue, or a first chapter? Maybe. I reckon that would really depend on two things: one, how the rest of the story shapes up; two, what you do to clarify and develop the present material, which seems in need of sharpening.
Meanwhile, I have a question and a comment.
First:
I got a 67 for an ASVAB score, so I don't think comments like Ringolevio's hold any merit, but againt, while his criticism was there, his rude comments were, too.
Here's the question: What's a 67 on an ASVAB?
Here's the comment: Keep writing. There are really only two ways to get better. One is to read good writing. The other is to keep honing your craft.
Best of luck.