Open Carry.
There are no words that I can speak to take away your pain. If there were, you bet sure as heck I'd say them.
What I can tell you is that you are not alone. We (THR) are here for you. I think I speak for us all when I say that when you, our brother hurts, we hurt, too.
Do not blame yourself, the object, or anything else for that matter. I speak out of experience. My Big Bro killed himself 10 years ago this september.
I wish I could tell you the pain will stop. It will not. The pain will lessen. You WILL COPE.
Here is a letter I wrote to Mad Ogre about how he helped me. It is the second letter on this page.
Again, remember that we are all with you. just as your pain is our pain, our strength is yours.
Man, words are inadequate. I wish I were there to help.
P.S.
Walkers in Darkness Is a great help in such times.
*Goes off to pray long and hard for you and yours*