You might just be a Mall Ninja if:

[Rachen]

Let the fun begin.

I saw this story on freerepublic.com, and it was sure funny as hell. It was originally posted on firing line forums.

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Mall Ninja Stories (Or "There I was") Humor
The Firing Line Forum ^ | Various | Various


Posted on 07/22/2006 6:49:39 AM PDT by 5Madman2


Elizabeth Petersen

03-20-2001, 09:50 PM

This story is true. Names and places has been changed to protect the truly asinine.

So no *****…there I was…

Friday night in the city. I met a friend of mine for dinner. We’ll call him Jack. Jack is an undercover Narcotics detective for a large metropolitan police department.

Jack and I always met after our respective shifts for a late meal at a little 24-hour restaurant downtown. The food was lousy, but the night cook made a decent cup of coffee, and the waitresses were nice.

We had both changed into jeans and T-shirts. We were both armed, as usual, he with his duty weapon, me with a sweet little .380 that was virtually unnoticeable.

Dinner was wolfed down. Neither one of us had eaten all day – there had been no time for that. I’d spent my shift running from one medical call to another. My partner’s driving habits made it impossible to eat on the go – there is no such thing as a smooth riding ambulance, no matter what the brass says. Jack’s day had gone about the same.

We paid the bill and sauntered out into the parking lot for a smoke. Jack’s car, a nondescript looking white 4-door sedan was backed up against a high cement wall at the rear of the lot, behind the restaurant. We talked for a long time, mostly about work and our pathetic love lives. The temperature dropped, and we climbed into Jack’s car to continue our *****-a-thon. Half an hour later, the world got a WHOLE lot stranger.

It all started with a jet-black SUV that came flying around the corner, as if the driver’s ass was fire and his hair was catchin’. The vehicle came bouncing into the parking lot and skidded to a stop nose to nose with Jack’s car. The high beams were on. Jack and I were momentarily blinded. I caught the “What in the HELL is all this?” look from Jack as the SUV’s driver side door swung open. Silhouetted by the headlights, we saw the shape of a man, dressed head-to-toe in black combat fatigues. His buzz cut head was covered with a black baseball cap. I could see Jack’s right hand move slowly to the gun holstered at his side. He gave me a “Be Ready” signal.

The ersatz storm trooper approached Jack’s car slowly, his movements a parody of every classic late night B grade kung fu flick. He was holding an obscenely large flashlight in one hand, and what appeared to be an ASP in the other. The dude was sporting an impressive duty rig. The thing had more gadgets and gizmos on it than Batman’s utility belt. The crown jewel was the HUMONGUS Desert Eagle .50 cal tucked into a three-way holster. I wasn’t too worried. By the time this Strange Ranger managed to get that monstrosity out of the holster, Jack would have already aerated him.

I was amazed Wonder Boy was even able to stand up; more amazed that the belt stayed on his thin hips. I was thinking it must take a dozen or more snap-type belt keepers to hold that thing in place.

“Don’t move and keep your hands where I can see them,” we heard Wonder Boy say through the open window. He had his flashlight right in Jack’s face.

Jack and I noticed the badge at the same time. It was clipped to Wonder Boy’s belt. It said “ARMED SECURITY OFFICER”.

I think Jack experienced a total neuro-synaptic meltdown at that moment. He started to laugh. He laughed like a complete lunatic. I started to get a little worried. Expressions of amusement for Jack normally consisted of a surprised grunt or a smile, at best. Hearing him laugh like that made me think that maybe ol’ Jacko had finally tripped the light fantastic.

Wonder Boy seemed unfazed. “We got a call back at Control about a suspicious vehicle.”

That made Jack laugh even harder. I think it was the way the guy stressed the word “Control”. Wonder Boy looked hurt. I could only sit and stare in bemused wonderment. Was this guy for REAL?

Jack, being the good-natured fellow that he is, chose not to deflate the wanna-be vigilante’s Big Moment. Not yet at least. So he decided to play along a little.

“So…uh…what’s the problem, officer?” Jack asked, forcing a wide-eyed “I didn’t do nothin’ wrong” look. I fought to keep a straight face and not ruin Jack’s fun.

“We got a call from an employee here about a suspicious car in the parking lot. Said it had been here for a while. Two unknown occupants. Might even be armed.”

“Oh really? WOW…might even be armed huh?” Jack was savoring his role.

“Yeah.” Wonder Boy looked confused.

“And what if they ARE armed?”

Wonder Boy paled. “Let me see some ID.”

“No.”

“Uh…No?”

“No.”

“Uh…why not?”

“Oh, fine. Here.” Jack dug in his back pocket. Wonder Boy looked like he was about to drop a serious load. Jack smiled as he handed him his black leather bi-fold wallet. Wonder Boy took it and opened it. He looked at it for a very long time. Then he looked at Jack. Then back at the wallet. Then at me. I smiled and waved. I knew the sight of that gold shield and police ID card had just sent Wonder Boy’s blood pressure skyrocketing into the stratosphere. I almost felt sorry for him as he mumbled an apology. Almost, but not quite.

Jack checked the guy’s employment credentials: Wonder Boy worked for a company that had been hired by the restaurant owner to patrol the lot and discourage loitering. He then gave him a stern lecture about the illegality of his actions, from the illegal detention (he blocked our car with his own) to the stupidity of approaching a vehicle with “possibly armed occupants.” Wonder Boy looked positively destroyed. Jack promised not to report him to his supervisors on the condition that he brush up on local law regarding what he could and could not do. Wonder Boy thanked him profusely then scurried back to his truck. He drove off in the same manner in which he had approached.

I couldn’t stand it any more. I laughed. I laughed so hard I thought I was gonna piddle myself.

 

[Tribal]

...you have more pockets than fingers and toes

...all of your clothes match even though you're color-blind

...you carry more weapons than you have hands

...you can't remember the last time you wore a suit or sportcoat, but you have three shoulder holsters

 

[MASTEROFMALICE]

Are you trying to tell me that carrying a Desert Eagle as a carry piece ISN'T normal?

 

[Rachen]

Hey, don't shoot the messenger Master: The original article is on thefiringline.com. Written by Elizabeth Peterson. She's an emergency medical technician and her friend is a city narcotics detective. A lot of folks on freerepublic and challenging her story.

 

[hotpig]

You have to use the official Mall Ninja ammo.


http://www.extremeshockusa.com/

 

[dcal]

It's extreme to the max.

That story was great, I love how the writing itself was done in the style of a typical mall ninja post.

 

[MASTEROFMALICE]

I don't doubt the story at all. As lame as most people think security guards are, you should see them from a cops point of view. It isn't often, but every now and then one will come over and try to "fit in" with us by acting like they think cops act, which is usually a caricature of actual cops.

Have you ever seen the movie Malibu's Most Wanted? The white people in the movie want to "act black" and so they exaggerate their blackness until it's just funny.

Security guards sometimes do that too.

Example:
-When a mall security guard refers to a shoplifter he'll use some official sounding word like "perpetrator" (e.g. I then pursued the perpetrator in a north by northwesterly direction.)

-When a cop refers to a shoplifter he'll use an industry term such as "that stupid bastard" (e.g. I had to chase that stupid bastard through the parking lot.)

 

[TCB in TN]

Example:
-When a mall security guard refers to a shoplifter he'll use some official sounding word like "perpetrator" (e.g. I then pursued the perpetrator in a north by northwesterly direction.)

-When a cop refers to a shoplifter he'll use an industry term such as "that stupid bastard" (e.g. I had to chase that stupid bastard through the parking lot.)

Oh my gosh that gives me a flash back to a discussion I had about a month ago with a local Deputy who I have known for years. It has almost the exact same comment.

chase that stupid bastard through the parking lot

But it was "That stupid bastard thought that he was Burt Renyolds, trying to outrun us like in Smokey and the Bandit!

 

[kermit315]

MASTEROFMALICE, I am using that for my sig now....that is just too damn funny.

 

[1 old 0311]

Thefiringline? THAT seems to be where the 'Ninja's' gather. Leave them there!

 

[MASTEROFMALICE]

....if the only way you can tell you're "SWAT" is by the fact that your hat, your fanny pack, and your Dodge Durango windshield visor all say so...

Bonus points for oriental men who wear a SWAT baseball cap while holding a 30 lbs AR-15 with a television attached to it. Certain members should understand the reference.

 

[never_retreat]

If you have a tacticool wheelbarrow.

 

[Code Monkey]

Not exactly Mall Ninja, more like SUBWAY COWBOY!

http://www.thehighroad.org/showthread.php?p=3963252#post3963252

December 6th, 2007, 06:24 PM
#45
Rachen
Senior Member


Join Date: 03-16-06
Location: New York
Posts: 422

Sometimes,
I carry my massive LeMat when I have to take the subway during the bleak hours. I guess I am lucky I don't have to take the A or the 2,4,5.

When the girls inched closer, I would have reached into my bag, which is always on my lap, and thumbed back the hammer to the grapeshot barrel. When they attacked, I would have let them have a searing blast of grapeshot at point blank range.............But I don't think thats a wise action to explain to the judges later.

But as a peaceful and calm person as I am, I would have mediated and pleaded with the girls to the last minute before letting them have it. I can't stand sh*t like this. Attacking someone for no reason. Gang initiation or no, well if they are initiating a new member, that new member could smile at death, and anybody else who wants to join in the fun can say hi to the grim reaper too.

I am a hard working man who supports his family and cares dearly about all his friends. I won't ever take scumbaggedness like this.

I would have changed cars before anything else could happen. I like to avoid situations, actually there are a lot of times on the subways when I changed cars to avoid a potentially dangerous situation. Always expect the worst, and when you know that things are about take a turn to the sh*tty brothel toilet, time to leave.

Unlike those nasty pop songs these filthy teens listen to nowadays, which last no longer than a month or two, the LeMat has lasted for over 150 years, and more than several scum were smitten by it during the War of Northern Aggression. This video is an example of materialism and consumerism gone completely wild. What has happened to the America of buckskinners, tanned deer hides, the smell of gunpowder in the morning, and untained meadows and clear crisp pastures as written in Frazier's novels.
__________________
NRA MEMBER
MEMBER OF THE ORDER OF THE CONFEDERATE ROSE
Sic Semper Tyrannis

And this one would be Campus Ninja! Watch out! Here he comes!!!

http://www.thehighroad.org/showthread.php?p=4239806#post4239806

February 26th, 2008, 10:30 PM
#43
Rachen
Senior Member


Join Date: 03-16-06
Location: New York
Posts: 422

Even though I don't carry to class because of the stupid gun free zone, I am still pretty much a student of Chinese Wushu for the past 7 years.
If someone barges into my class and holds a gun to anyone's head, I would find ways to get close to the perp and break their neck and spine, and crawling/running while crouched low and between people and rows of desks makes good distractions and also throws the brains of anybody into momentary confusion. Enough confusion to get right there in front of them, up close and personal.

Sheeple might be scared of guns pointed at them but there are certain people who are just not intimidated. Maybe impressed, but not intimidated.

That joker could have died or become a vegetable. After all the recent disasters in colleges, this sh*t cannot be excused. He should feel lucky that nobody in that class decided they got nothing to lose and decided to react in a particular way that would have made our ancestors at Bunker Hill and Fort Ticonderoga proud.
__________________
NRA MEMBER
MEMBER OF THE ORDER OF THE CONFEDERATE ROSE
Sic Semper Tyrannis

These and many more tall tales to come in the following months!

Whoopee.

 

[tn-dave]

I am a hard working man who supports his family and cares dearly about all his friends. I won't ever take scumbaggedness like this.

great quote. I'm going to like this thread.

 

[jrfoxx]

Made this just the other night, for just this type of circumstance.I think it came out pretty good, and illustrates the mall ninja fairly well, and with proper humor.My only regret is that I 'm not fat enough to realy do the Ninja true justice, and my camera and photo software arent really good enough to show as much detail as I wanted, (some required ninja items are difficult to see, like the vest full of mags, the 3 mag thigh pouch, the 2nd 1911 in the vest holster, etc), but hey, I tred.
It did give me a new respect for SWAT guys and the like, who actually have to wear all this kind of stuff for extended periods.MAN,is that get-up hot, uncomfortable, and heavy! And I didnt even have a full, 20lb duty belt on top of all the rest!

P.S.-in my defense, I own several pairs of BDU's in different colors simply because they are cheap, very durable, comfortale, and I have a weird thing for having lots of big, deep pockets to carry junk around,the boots, and ski mask are Navy issue required uniform items (sill in the reserves), the gloves are for cold weather shooting (I do all my shooting outdoors in the National Forest; they are 5:11 Tactical brand, very nice and effective, highly recomended for like $20).The vest was a joke Christmas gift from the wife.The 3 AR mag thight pouch...I have no excuse for really, it was $15, and just seemed kinda neat and potentially useful in limited circumstances.

 

[MASTEROFMALICE]

I ran scumbaggedness through the spellchecker. Nothing.

On the upside, it's gotta be worth at least 100 points in Scrabble.

 

[sm]

http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/

 

[FourNineFoxtrot]

Oh, fun, let's all crap on Security Guards.

MASTEROFMALICE said:

As lame as most people think security guards are, you should see them from a cops point of view. It isn't often, but every now and then one will come over and try to "fit in" with us by acting like they think cops act, which is usually a caricature of actual cops.

How dare those worthless rent-a-cops try to be friendly with real cops. Don't they know their place?

Change a few words in the above quote, and you know what you get?

As lame as most people think black people are, you should see them from a white person's point of view. It isn't often, but every now and then one will come over and try to "fit in" with us by acting like they think white people act, which is usually a caricature of actual white people.

The above, modified post is to illustrate my point: This was so insulting and derogatory that it sounds eerily similar to racist diatribes I've heard. But this isn't about racism. This is about elitism. And whichever nouns are used, those words are elitist to the core.

 

[silverlance]

But did he have the special wall climbing boots?

 

[MASTEROFMALICE]

Fourninefoxtrot clearly wants to put my sense of humor to the test. Fair enough.

I'll REBOLD what I wrote so that instead of twisting my words around you can read it as intended.

As lame as most people think security guards are, you should see them from a cops point of view. It isn't often, but every now and then one will come over and try to "fit in" with us by acting like they think cops act, which is usually a caricature of actual cops.

In short:Some security guards act like asses and it's funny. Yeah, I said it's FUNNY.

I suppose my Scrabble comment upset you, too, because you seem like a Yahtzee guy to me.

 

[FourNineFoxtrot]

My sense of humor works fine when my job isn't the butt of thoughtless, insulting jokes.

I worked as a security guard for a few years, and during that time most of the cops I had "professional" encounters with wouldn't give me the time of day.

To be specific, I worked at an Indian casino as a uniformed, unarmed security guard. I worked with Tribal Police, our on-site police force (armed, POST certified). I stopped saying hello to most of them when they wouldn't acknowledge my existence. I also had occasion to deal with our county sheriffs from time to time. I don't think any of them deigned to speak a word to me, either.

I've had my fill of police elitism, and I've had my fill of people crapping on security guards. We have a bad rep, but we do a thankless, forgotten job and we get zero credit for it.

So I'll leave you to your little mall-ninja thread. Have fun. Have a blast. I'll just go duct tape trauma plates to my vest, or whatever it is that we mall ninjas are supposed to do.

 

[Treo]

Y'all talk all the smack you want about Mall Ninjas let's see who's talking about you 7 years after your first post

 

[hotpig]

I have been on both sides of the fence. I have worked both armed and unarmed security.

In the county I worked you have to stand in the sex offender registration line to renew your SO License. The County Police are less than personable to most.

I was lucky because my employer hired dozens of the local cops. Our continuing education was also far above the County licensing requirements. In general we were treated a little better.

The last time I was there to renew my license I went straight from my full time job. I had my full uniform on and a light jacket.

The jacket had a imprint of my Fire Department badge showing that I am a Captain in the Arson Unit. I was immediately whisked out of the line and taken behind the sacred counter to a Office. Once in the office I became a sir and was offered coffee while my license was expedited.

I have done many things in my life and have had a few different jobs. Every one of the jobs had some sort of double standard. The Police are only a little more obvious than most.

 

[The Tourist]

I've had my fill of police elitism, and I've had my fill of people crapping on security guards.

If you're sincere about saying that, then I'd advise the old canard, "Doctor, heal thyself."

The fact of the matter is that you are not the police. I do not need your permission to walk or shop in any venue that has been opened to the public by a merchant.

BTW, my wife and I were quite amused one afternoon when I cut my sandwich in half with a jackknife. That act brought two security guards together to discuss any possible plans I might have for overthrowing democracy. What made me grin the most was my wife's comment, "I get the fat one..."

Here's the way this washes out. You do not carry a Writ of Mandamus. You are not empowered by a judge to act in any reguard other than an average citizen. To imply any special status is basically playing dress-up.

 

[Tom Servo]

I've had my fill of police elitism, and I've had my fill of people crapping on security guards. We have a bad rep, but we do a thankless, forgotten job and we get zero credit for it.

49F, I don't think anyone here means to demean security guards. For what you guys get paid, I sure don't have the guts to do your job. (Heck, after finding out what City of Atlanta pays, I wouldn't walk their beat, either )

The subject of the parody is a certain subset of people, with whom I doubt any bonafide security guard would associate. It's a bit like saying Reno 911 demeans all police officers.

If anything, the original Mall Ninja threads are as much riff on a certain subset of the gun culture as they are anybody in mall security.