How do you handle people who stare you down?

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I'll relate a story about how to respond correctly to a stare down, but I doubt it will sit well with someone who thinks they have to respond at all.

There was once a Japanese Tea Ceremony Master who had a beautiful daughter. The daughter caught the eye of the local Warlord (read bully here) who wanted her for his own. He approached the Tea Master and demanded his daughter. The Tea Master declined politely, claiming the daughter was unworthy of the warlord. The Warlord became enraged and insulted...demanding that his honor be settled by trial by combat the next day.

The Tea Master was distressed as he had no skill with the sword. He consulted with a Sword Master as to how to proceed. The sword master told him to attend the duel and draw his sword. Then to focus his attention as he normally would on his Tea Ceremony...ignoring the warlord completely.

The Tea Master, while dubious of the advice, resigned himself to follow it. When the Warlord called him into the street the next day, he came out, bowed, drew his sword and relaxed into the calm of his Tea Ceremony. The Warlord saw the calm as a complete lack of fear and complete readiness to do battle...fearing that he had misjudged an easy victory, he withdrew from the field of combat

I've worked in a profession that required me to come into contact with folks on a daily basis where this would come into play. The response that I have found that works the best is just to respond with calm and competence. If your are truly competent to handle the situation, it requires no proclamation or posturing...it just is
 
I find an exit and disengage or deescalate as appropriate.

Good&Fruity,

Whether you realize this or not, you elected to participate in a dominance game with this individual, the outcome of which you were ultimately unable to control. In Meditations of Violence, Rory Miller refers to this dominance game as the "Monkey Dance", and provides some evolutionary context for the ritual.

Miller's description of the beginning of the classic Monkey Dance mirrors your description of your encounter: eye contact, hard stare, verbal challenge, etc. He emphasizes:

Once you feed into this contest, you are no longer in control. It is the product of millennia of evolution. I want to make the is perfectly clear: No matter how much I refer to the Monkey Dance as a dominance game, you do not play it. It plays you
Click to expand...

Miller, Meditations...p. 43

It's critical to understand that the presence of a firearm does not insulate you from the consequences of agreeing to participate here -- rather, it potentially magnifies them.

At the end of the day, when developing your strategy for dealing with unknown contacts (credit: Southnarc), I'd recommend starting with your goals: what's your main objective in the encounter? Then ensure that each piece of your strategy advances those goals. If you've got something in there that's irrelevant or, worse, pushes you away from the overall goal, it's time to reevaluate the strategy.
 
I read something a long time ago that I think we can all benefit from. I used to practice it and should do again. It defuses your emotions very well IMO:

When in a situation like this, ask yourself:

1) Am I willing to fight this person? If not disengage, if yes, proceed to #2

2) Am I willing to hurt this person? If not disengage, if yes, proceed to #3

3) Am I willing to risk everything and what am I risking it for? If not disengage.
 
Whenever a situation like that occurs to me, I do not respond. I've been yelled at, cussed out, flipped off, etc. as I walk away, sometimes even leaving a store that I needed something at to get out of the situation.
I'm a big guy, and somehow people seem to pick out guys like me to try to instigate something to prove something to their buddies.
I make it clear that I am not afraid of them, but do extract myself from the situation as soon as possible. On a couple of occasions the guy calling me out started to follow after me. All it took was a half step in their direction on both occasions for them to back down, then I continued on. Of course the obscenities ensued, but I can handle that. People that act like Jr. High bullies don't deserve my time or attention.
Guys at work who are my age come in all the time talking about the fight they got in the weekend before. I can proudly say that I have never been in a physical fight with anyone, simply never had to.
 
What do I do when people stare at me?

I don't even make eye contact if I can help it. I do try to be aware of other's behavior.

And I don't believe it's illegal to stare at someone either.

I thought the idea was to AVOID confrontations, especially if you're armed.

At least that's what they taught me in my CHL class years ago.
 
Hunter125, I think it's funny that you say that people pick on big guys like you to prove something. I usually hear big guys bragging about how nobody messes with them, and smaller people complaining that people always mess with them...
 
Good&Fruity said:
Hunter125, I think it's funny that you say that people pick on big guys like you to prove something. I usually hear big guys bragging about how nobody messes with them, and smaller people complaining that people always mess with them...
Click to expand...

G&F... and your point is what? You just confronted ezypikins for what purpose? IMHO, this speaks volumes about you. FWIW, I'm not calling you out. It's just an observation... one which you might want to consider for self-reflection. Why are you so confrontational?
 
Calmly remove sunglasses look back at him and say U.S imigrations agent let's see your identification! No I really wouldn't I open carry also and there are just some people who feel that they need to confront you on it .I normally ignore people who are just out to badger you and anyone who tries to say you are doing anything illegal i just hand a print out of Ohio open carry laws and walk away.I actually had one guy say sorry to me after reading the hand out while I pumped my gas he is a local and a ccw permit holder.
 
I was helping my brother not to long ago on the side of the road pulling his bumper out of the fender well so he could drive his truck back to the house. See someone had ran a stop sign and hit him. There was a hole lot of " Oh they are White the cops are going to side with them going on " and other derogatory things said about me and my brother in Spanish as they just stared us down. The cops stayed till after the two involved in the wreck and the 9 others that showed up took off.
When the DPS took off two thug's came back and started walking around our two trucks just staring at us , So yeah I'm going to stare at them too I'm about to pull out a bumper using a chain and pickup truck. I was talking on the phone with the insurance agent making sure it was ok that I pulled this bumper out during this. One of the thug's then yells at me saying "What are you looking at " I said nothing but still kept a eye on him. He then starts walking to towards me making some hand gestures and such. He yells " get back here homes and lets do this" was talking to the other thug that didn't want part of what ever he was planing to do. I say this cause he had just started walking away and would not look back during this confrontation. So back to the guy walking to me and my brother, he gets maybe 20 feet from us and then reaches into his pocket and starts to pull out a hand gun. He only had just the grips out of his pocket by the time i told him I was on the Phone with the Sheriff's department. He said I dont care as he lowered his hand back into his pocket, I told him they were on there way back right now! Lucky for me and my brother this kid turned and ran off down the road.

Just thought i would share my ordeal with someone staring. This has also helped me make up my mind on getting a CHL.
 
There is nothing as disarming to the unarmed as a smile from those who are.
Just smile with big sharky teeth, nod and say "YUP!" Go about your business.
 
I'm with Hunter in the Big guy club, at 6'5"--- Big enough to hit my head on everything low... too short to see it in time and avoid it...

It's true... we tall folk get either the welcome "don't step on me mister" de-escalations from folks who think we're going to eat them, or the "Jack the Giant killer" sorts who are attracted to us like Yellow-jackets to a BBQ, and much less friendly.

I've found a pleasant smile really creeps out the guy screaming obscenities... Just keep your trap shut, don't get tunnel vision... find a way out.. offer to buy a drink, summon the cops... whatever you need to do.

To others, we're so big, even if you were in the right, you "should have known better, and how could you do such a thing... they couldn't hurt you... " (Feh...)

Gentle giant is the only safe route, but reserve the Fee-fi-foe-fum for when it's needed.
 
Good&Fruity said:
...He comments on my gun saying something like 'you got that strap'. My response was "what about it?". He goes, "it makes you feel big huh?"...
Click to expand...

My usual reply to this sort of thing is along the lines of "Well, I have to do something since my penis is so small and I can't afford a hot rod."
 
Usually if I notice someone is staring at me I just look directly at them & nod my head. Kind of acknowledging they are there without getting confrontational. Then go back to whatever I am doing.

He comments on my gun saying something like 'you got that strap'. My response was "what about it?". He goes, "it makes you feel big huh?"
Click to expand...

As to how I would have responded to this it really would depend on where I was at that day. I would have either just ignored him or more probably said, Nope, not really. To be honest though I usually don't open carry as I don't really care to call attention to myself. That is a personal choice though.
 
This is a great example of why I don't open carry in civies, except for having a sidearm while hunting. I probably would have just ignored him, unless he got closer and began to pose a potential threat. Typically my response to people on the street, and it's worked well so far. The main thing with ignoring people is make sure you keep watching their hands, instead of turning your back. That's probably the worst thing you could do.

Also, I interpreted "You got that strap?" to be I-don't-speak-English for "You carry a gun?"
 
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Look away and ignore them.

If they verbally confront you, ignore them/and or leave the area.

If they try and physically assualt you with a deadly weapon or disparity of force, draw your weapon.

Being armed means taking MORE [stuff] from the average idiot, not less.
 
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